Identity Restoration Blog

New Year's Eve Devotional

Sat, 23 Dec 2023 15:22:15 GMT

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

As you consider this year ending, are there things you would like to let go of and leave behind? Find a quiet moment to ask God about this and make a note of what you discover.

If you aren’t sure what to leave behind, use this list as a guide and see if anything stands out to you:

Feeling not good enough, powerless, alone, stuck, unsafe, hopeless, disconnected, broken, disappointed, or rejected

Believing that you are unwanted, don’t belong, that it is all your fault, or that you have no purpose

Struggling with thinking you are worthless, unknown, unprotected, a failure, damaged, not capable, or stupid

(These are all things to leave behind! If you are dealing with any of these, know that freedom is available. God has greater things in store for you. Please continue to pursue healing. You won’t regret it!)

As you review this list, ask the Lord if there is anyone you need to forgive. If someone comes to mind, go ahead and speak out forgiveness. You don’t need to wait until the feelings are there in order to forgive. Go ahead and speak it out, as an act of letting go, and continue on with the devotional. You can always work through any residual feelings later.

Next, let’s repeat this process regarding what you would like to receive in 2024. This is where it gets good! As much as you are able, let yourself dream with God in this step.

Again, find a quiet moment to ask God about this and make note of what you discover.

If you aren’t sure what to receive and take hold of in 2024, use this list as a guide and see if anything stands out to you:

Believing you are good enough, that all things are possible, that you can do it, that you are wanted, have a purpose, and that you are accepted, powerful, and included

Knowing that you belong, you are valuable, known, safe, wise, successful, and free

Feeling connected, whole, protected, strong, capable, pleasing, and able to experience peace and joy

(This is just a small sample of all that is available to us in God! As we said, greater things are in store for you. Keep going!)

A great question for God would be, “What truths about my identity do You want me to receive for 2024?” Go ahead and ask Him this now and make note of what you discover.

Now let’s put it all together!

We have written this sample prayer to use as a guide for your time with God, but this is only to get you started. Feel free to make this your own and to connect with God and express your heart in whatever way you need.

“Lord, I no longer wish to carry ______________. I choose to let it go and leave it behind so that I am able to receive _____________ for this new year. I repent for anything I have been believing which has led me to needlessly carry heavy burdens in 2023. I choose to forgive and release those things, and to receive all that You have for me in 2024, including _____________. Thank You for your grace and Your mercy. Thank You for helping me live in freedom, peace, and joy. I come into agreement with the truth of my identity in Christ, and I submit all my thoughts to obedience in Christ. Thank You, Jesus!”

You’re doing great! To wrap up your time, ask the Holy Spirit to empower you and guide you in 2024. Celebrate with God all the cherished memories of 2023, invite Him to envelop the difficult memories for you, and dream with Him about what 2024 could hold for you.

We hope this devotional blesses you and inspires you to spend time with God and receive the love and help He has for you. This year, make it a regular exercise to release, forgive, and receive all that God wants for you. May you experience the goodness of the Lord each and every day! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

* For a more comprehensive experience of this release and receive activity, you can find it in the “Who Do You Think You Are?” 21 Day Devotiona l or Bible study . If you need personalized help, we recommend an Identity Coaching session.

What Now?

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Tue, 23 Nov 2021 15:28:43 GMT

What do you do now? Wow, that is a good question! You may have already had that thought at some point during this process. What do you think you should do now? Before reading on, think about that for a moment. What do you think is the next best move for you?

Before we look at what to do now, let’s look back and see how far you have come. Hopefully, you were able to engage in the exercise from the Grateful Celebration blog and look back on your journey to celebrate your memorial stones of maturity. You are now more aware of yourself and your relationships, retooled for success, establishing healthier boundaries for yourself, letting yourself think your thoughts and feel your feelings, taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, getting to know yourself better, holistically taking care of yourself, growing in your faith, believing in yourself, dreaming again, establishing healthier life patterns, discerning truth, and celebrating your success. If all went well during this process, you are experiencing life a little differently than you did before your healing encounter. You are different. You think differently, see differently, and can discern truth more effectively. This is a great place to be. Now that you are here, what do you do?

The real answer to that question never changes for me. In every step of our process, we seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Each practical step may look different, but the foundation of it always needs to be based in seeking the kingdom of God.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
– Matthew 6:33

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
– Romans 14:17

Expression of Scripture:

Worship God by being about, going about, desiring, endeavoring for, enquiring for, requiring, and seeking His kingdom of righteousness, peace, and joy first, at the beginning, in the first order of importance, before anything else, and all these things will be added to you.
– Chapter Ten, Identity Restoration

It is good to remember that we are on a journey of pursuing righteousness, peace, and joy, not a journey of pursuing unresolved trauma to get healed from. Jesus set us free so we could be free. He did not set us free to submit to a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). We are slaves to righteousness, not fear, shame, and guilt.

Hopefully, in the areas where you were stuck, and you had a fixed mindset, you are now freer in your thinking and can have a growth mindset. You can continue to grow, to know God better, and to know yourself more clearly. You are free to live free.

Some clients who I have worked with in the past have been stuck in a pursuit of finding and resolving unresolved trauma. This is not what I would call freedom. The pursuit of healing is the pursuit of the kingdom of God. We don’t need to focus on or worry about our past traumas that have caused the current lies. There is a delicate balance of acknowledging the truth of who we are, along with the reality that we do not fully believe that truth and are in a healing process. Remember, healing is just a manifested revelation of truth through spiritual discernment. The truth is already true, we just don’t believe it. We don’t want a victim mindset of a constant need for healing, and we don’t want a denial mindset of thinking we have already resolved all our issues. We need to accept that we are on a journey of discovery.

He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that He might fill all things. And He gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.
– Ephesians 4:10-14

When we all reach the unity of the faith and the maturity of the full measure of the stature of Christ, we can say we are done with this healing journey. Until then, we need to repent and believe the good news. Continue to follow Jesus into life, pursue the kingdom of God, and check yourself to see if you are in the faith when behaviors, attitudes, actions, or mindsets arise that do not look like Jesus.

In Deuteronomy the Word tells us that the Lord gave us choices. We can choose life or death, blessing or curses. Therefore, choose life and blessing so that you may live a blessed life.

As you are seeking the kingdom of God first, these are some things you can do now. All the desires of your new clean heart that have been stirred—pursue them! All the hopes that have been renewed—pursue them! All the dreams that have been rebirthed—pursue them! You have permission to live, to live free, and to live abundantly. Explore your creativity that may have been set free, learn the things you have been wanting to learn, and try the things you have been wanting to try. It is never too late to live free.

You have permission to try, to make mistakes, and to fail. None of these affect your identity. Trust your heart, check your thoughts, and connect with God. He is faithful and wants to fulfill the desires of your heart. Remember from the Self-Nurture blog, discipleship is following Jesus into life. Living involves growth. You have permission to grow, to mature, and to be more like Christ. You can do this. I am proud of you that you are this far on your journey. You are so much more amazing than you even know. God created you in His image to fulfill a purpose. In Christ, you have a purpose, you are valuable, and you are good.

Be free, be blessed, and enjoy your peace.

Ray

Healing Resources:

Who Do You Think You Are? Bible Study

https://www.faithbygrace.org/who-do-you-think-you-are_bible-study

Who Do You Think You Are? Devotional

https://www.faithbygrace.org/identity-restoration

Identity Restoration Book

https://www.faithbygrace.org/identity-restoration

Finding A New Normal Book

https://www.faithbygrace.org/finding-a-new-normal5219b678

Your True Identity podcast

https://www.faithbygrace.org/podcasts

Blog

https://www.faithbygrace.org/blog

Identity, Grief, Couples, Dreams, Recovery Coaching and spiritual mentoring

https://www.faithbygrace.org/identity-coaching

Grateful Celebration

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Sat, 06 Nov 2021 18:40:35 GMT

Is gratitude a part of your daily thinking? Can you celebrate the level of healing and revelation you are walking in now? Hopefully it is, and you can. It is such an important part of the maturing into yourself process.

The idea of gratitude and celebration was not normal for me. I grew up in a family culture of negativity and complaining. It was a foundational part of my thinking and processing. This is one of the things that helped develop my addiction to negativity and rejection. It took me years of focus and many encounters with the Lord to break this cycle. It still is not always easy for me to celebrate and be grateful. I must intentionally focus on it.

Along with the cultural and generational influences that each one of us must conquer and rise above, there are some biological issues we have to overcome as well. There is something called negativity bias that all of us must deal with. Some psychological research shows that our brains react more strongly to negative stimuli, and we need at least a five to one ratio of positivity to negativity just to have an equilibrium.

This negativity bias can cause you to remember traumatic experiences more often than good experiences, ruminate on negative details, focus on criticism, and more easily believe lies about yourself, your situation, and others. This can be destructive to your self-image, your purpose, and your relationships. Just think about that for a moment. Simply understanding and taking authority over this one biological hurdle can dramatically change your life.

This may or may not be an issue for you. You may have grown up in a healthier environment where you were trained to think more positively and be grateful. Praise God if that is you. If that is not you, don’t worry; freedom is available. Especially now that you have experienced some level of healing, the ability to be grateful and think more positively will be more natural. Like I had mentioned, I was addicted to negativity, and would fixate on criticism, rejection, and regret. It was an extreme and miserable issue for me. I am no longer stuck there! If I can be free, you can be free. You can transition into a lifestyle of gratitude and celebration that will increase your freedom, peace, and joy.

There are many coaching clients who I have worked with who were trained to deny their thoughts and pretend and perform an image of positivity. That is not what I am talking about. We still need to capture every thought and bring it into the obedience of Christ. We must acknowledge and consider our negative thoughts so we can reconsider and believe the good news. The positive reality of Jesus Christ is good news. Changing your thinking patterns may take practice and training, but it is worth it.

We can start with the simple celebration that you have made it this far in the Maturing Into Yourself process. I am personally grateful you got here. I am so grateful that you are still reading, listening, learning, and hopefully being blessed by this blog. I never stop being amazed that what I have learned through my trauma and my healing brings healing to others. That is something I can easily celebrate and be grateful for.

As we looked at in the Building Your Faith blog, one of the ways to build faith is to remember and celebrate what God has done. Let’s review some of the growth we have experienced so far in this blog series and celebrate it. We have become aware of, and have taken personal responsibility for, our emotional and mental health. We can be present, discern, establish boundaries, communicate our needs, and adjust our dysfunctional relationships. We know ourselves better, can now accept ourselves, love ourselves, nurture ourselves, and better care for our needs. We can dream, believe in ourselves, and pursue healing freely. We are more free. You are more free!

As we looked at in the Building Faith blog, the Lord often instructed His followers to build memorials, have feasts, and establish traditions of celebration. We can find these patterns of celebration in the Old and New Testament. As I was writing this, there were a few Scriptures that I was reminded of. I hope they are an inspiration to you.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us.” – 1 Samuel 7:12

This verse in 1 Samuel came to mind and reminded me of the hymn, Come Though Fount. If you can, I recommend taking some time and letting yourself meditate on the presence of God and how He has helped you, while listening to this hymn. It is a beautiful and moving experience.

And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate. – Luke 15:23-24

This verse in Luke came to mind and reminded me of how the Father celebrates our return to Him. If you can, I recommend taking some time and celebrating with the Lord that you once were dead, but now you are alive in Him. You were lost, but now you are found. Another great experience could be meditating on the presence of God and celebrating with Him while listening to the Hymn, Amazing Grace.

Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven, the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth. – 1 Corinthians 5:8

This verse in 1 Corinthians came to mind and reminded me of another verse.

For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God. – 1 John 3:20-21

We no longer need to come to God in condemnation. Even if our hearts do condemn us, God is greater. We can now come to God in confidence, in sincerity, and in the truth of who we are in Christ. For some reason, these verses remind me of my all-time favorite hymn, How Great though Art. If you can, I recommend taking the time to come confidently to the Lord in praise, while listening to this hymn, and let your soul sing out in celebration for what God has done for you.

There are many memorial stones we can look back on and celebrate. If you are willing, take a moment and look back on your journey of healing and maturing. Yes, I know it probably has been at least a little messy, but freedom is always better. It would be a great exercise for you to pause here and write this out so you can celebrate the memorial stones of accomplishments through your healing and maturing journey. If you do experience negative thoughts during this exercise, apply the five to one ratio and see how it goes for you. For each negative thought, find at least five things to celebrate and be grateful for. This ratio may be a little different for each one of us. I have seen the negative bias explained as four to seven times more powerful than positivity in our brains. Five is not a magic number. Practice and see what works for you.

Positive thoughts do not necessarily change your situation. Transitioning your thinking to be more thankful and grateful can help give you the hope to be able to make a change. You can do this. You can be free and enjoy your peace.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:8-9

Blessings,

Ray

Personal Responsibility

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 15:06:18 GMT

Does the term personal responsibility stir up excitement and hope in you, or does it stir up fear and shame? What if you could take personal responsibility for everything in your life and thrive in freedom, peace, and joy?

What I mean by personal responsibility is each of us taking ownership of our own thoughts, emotions, choices, decisions, behaviors, relationships, attitudes, and direction in life. I believe that personal responsibility is one of the greatest keys to freedom. Without it, we will struggle to have our basic needs met and to fully experience our righteousness, peace, and joy.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. – Romans 14:17

When sin entered the world through the lies of the enemy, fear, shame, and guilt began stealing our purpose, killing our security, and destroying our relationships. Purpose, security, and relationship are basic needs that are foundational in the kingdom. Let’s separately look at how each one of these are affected by personal responsibility.

Security

The core of our security is our peace in the Holy Spirit. This peace is what will define the authority that we walk in as followers of Christ. When we can take personal responsibility for our peace in the Lord we will have assurance in our security, contentment, and authority. This assurance will affect our ability to feel safe, to trust, and to rest in the truth of who we are in Christ. When we can trust and rest in the truth, patience and humility will flourish in our lives as we courageously walk in the victory of our faith.

Peace is a natural aspect of our identity in Christ. As I have explained in my Identity Restoration book, the enemy is trying to kill our authority by getting us to believe his lies. When we believe a lie about an aspect of our identity that is intended to manifest peace, we will manifest fear. This fear, unchecked, will eventually bring us to a place of powerlessness where we are tricked into thinking there is nothing we can do to experience peace. When we are powerless to accept personal responsibility for our own peace, we will attempt to control the circumstances, environments, relationships, and people in our lives to manage our peace and security. Control is at best a lack of personal responsibility, and at worst a refusal to be responsible for our own peace and security.

Now that you have experienced some level of healing, anywhere in your life that you were operating in fear and control, you can now take personal responsibility for your own peace and begin to trust God. What I mean by taking responsibility for our peace and security is to accept that our peace is a manifestation of our faith. What we think and believe will determine how we feel and whether we will experience peace or fear. Peace is a manifestation of believing the truth of who God is and who we are in Christ. When we believe it, we will feel it. You have the authority to believe the truth of who you are in Christ and to live in peace.

Purpose

The core of our purpose is joy in the Holy Spirit. This joy is what will determine the expression of our identity in Christ. When we can take personal responsibility for our joy in the Lord, we will have the affirmation of our purpose, approval, and identity. This affirmation will affect our ability to feel accepted, to hope, and to delight in the truth of who we are in Christ. When we can hope and delight in the truth, gratitude and determination will flourish in our lives as we optimistically walk in the fulfillment of our faith.

Joy is a natural aspect of our identity in Christ. The enemy is trying to steal our identity by getting us to believe his lies. When we believe a lie about an aspect of our identity that is intended to manifest joy, we will manifest shame. This shame, unchecked, will eventually bring us to a place of helplessness where we are tricked into thinking there is no hope for joy. When we are hopeless and cannot take personal responsibility for our own joy, we will attempt to find joy and purpose in our status, our finances, our career, or any number of false identities.

Now that you have experienced some level of healing, anywhere in your life that you were stuck in shame and false identities, you can now take personal responsibility for your own joy and hope in the Lord. What I mean by taking responsibility for our joy and purpose is to accept that our joy is a manifestation of our faith. What we think and believe about ourselves, and God, will determine whether we will experience joy or shame. God purposely created you with clarity and you have permission to live in joy.

Relationship

The core of our relationships is our righteousness and freedom in the Holy Spirit. This freedom is what will define our relationships in Christ. When we can take personal responsibility for our freedom, we will have confidence in our relationships, innocence, and community. This confidence will affect our ability to feel loved, respected, and connected. When we feel loved and respected in our relationships, compassion, empathy, and generosity will flourish in our lives as we walk in the kindness and harmony of our faith.

Freedom is a natural aspect of our identity in Christ. The enemy is trying to destroy our community by getting us to believe his lies. When we believe a lie about an aspect of our identity that is intended to manifest freedom, we will manifest guilt. This guilt, unchecked, will eventually bring us to a place of loneliness where we are tricked into thinking we are being punished and there is no way to be free. This lonely punishment will keep us from taking personal responsibility for our own freedom, and we will isolate ourselves and blame others for it.

Now that you have experienced some level of healing, anywhere in your life that you were alone in guilt and blame, you can now take personal responsibility for your own freedom and experience your righteous relationship with God. What I mean by taking responsibility for our freedom and relationships is to accept that our freedom is a manifestation of our faith. What we think and believe about ourselves, God, and others will determine whether we will experience guilt or freedom. You are righteous in Christ; you belong to Him and you can live free.

When we can accept personal responsibility for our own freedom, peace, and joy, we will experience security and purpose in our lives and relationships. When we do not, this will lead us into unhealthy, codependent relationships with people, circumstances, and things. These unhealthy relationships will keep us hiding in fear, covering ourselves in shame, and blaming others for it.

This personal responsibility all starts with taking ownership of our own thoughts and emotions . Learning the difference between thoughts and emotions is extremely important in this process. When we can accept that our emotions are a result of our own thoughts and beliefs, we can begin to experience joy in our purpose, security in our peace, and freedom in our relationships.

Personal responsibility is a blessing, not a burden.

You can do this,

Ray

Spiritual Boundaries

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 15:31:47 GMT

Spiritual boundaries are an interesting topic. Do spiritual boundaries make sense to you? The things of the Spirit are sometimes so abstract for our understanding. Boundaries in this area can be even more unclear than emotional or intellectual boundaries.

As we are recovering from previous trauma and are maturing into our true selves, it is important for us to understand and implement spiritual boundaries. At some level, everything is connected to the spiritual. In reality, we can not get away from that. In this blog we are going to explore some aspects of boundaries in the spiritual realm.

The Scripture that came to mind when I was thinking about spiritual boundaries is in James:

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and He Himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

– James 1:13-15

This Scripture may seem a little abstract in regard to spiritual boundaries, but let me explain. One of the earliest revelations God gave me (in regard to the Identity Restoration concept) was this verse in James. He connected it to the enemy lying to Adam and Eve in the third chapter of Genesis. This is also why we have already looked at boundaries in our thoughts and emotions. Understanding and stewarding our thoughts and emotions is directly connected to our spiritual boundaries. Let’s look at Genesis 3 in relation to the James verse.

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. (the father of lies introducing a lie) For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw (desire) that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit (conception) and ate, (sin is birthed) and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. (fully grown) Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. (death)

– Genesis 3:4-7

This is the basic tactic the enemy uses to entice us into sin and destruction. As a new creation, we are kingdom seekers by nature. It is who we are. The enemy knows this, and he is constantly trying to entice us with things that seem like the kingdom of God. He offers them to us as quicker, easier, better, and more fulfilling. In reality, they are not. This tactic of enticing us to desire the things of the world through lies is how he tries to steal our identity, kill our authority, and destroy our community. Through these lies the enemy lures us into a relationship with him where we conceive and birth sin that grows into death and the destruction of our lives.

There are two different kingdoms. The kingdom of God and the kingdom of the world. Having healthy boundaries in this area of our lives is essential to healthy growth. There are many ways these boundaries get confused. Here are a few of them.

One of the most common areas of spiritual confusion I experience with my clients is them not understanding the difference between their own self-protections and demons. Now don’t get me wrong, demons are real and they are a real problem. They just usually are not the problem we are dealing with. So often we have been trained through unhealthy religious teaching to assume what is happening is demonic. This is why mature discernment is so important. If you have not read The Importance of Discernment blog yet, please take the time to review it. So often, our own patterns, habits, behaviors, and old tapes that are running in our head get labeled as demonic attack. This will unfortunately cause us to battle with ourselves and cause even more trauma as we try to cast out a wounded area of our hearts. A better approach as we are maturing into ourselves is to not assume anything and instead allow God to help us discern what is happening.

Speaking of demonic battle, this is another area where some of my clients have trouble. Getting information about something does not necessarily mean we are called to take it on as an assignment. This is one of the problems prophetic seers may experience. Just in case you are not familiar with this term, a “prophetic seer” is gifted with a greater ability than normal to see into the spirit realm. Often when I work with seers, they are stuck in demonic battle that is causing relational, mental, and emotional issues for them. As in the natural world, just because you see something does not mean you need to act on it. Asking God what to do with the information is a healthier approach.

Prophetic feelers have their own challenges. Like seers, a prophetic feeler is gifted with a greater ability than normal to feel the things of the spirit. Many of the feelers I have worked with take what they are feeling and automatically make it a spiritual issue. This bypasses discernment all together and does not allow for someone to know whether they are dealing with their own lies and wounds, or a spiritual atmosphere. This again can put us in a position of battling ourselves and causing more personal and relational harm in the situation. The more we get to know ourselves and allow our hearts to have choices, the less this will happen.

Spiritual codependence is another area where we will violate boundaries. None of us can save anyone. Just like healing, salvation is a revelation of truth through spiritual discernment. Whether we are trying to make something happen for someone, control the environment around them, perform for them, or worry about their faith, we are not helping. Instead, this invites the enemy into the process and just causes problems for us and them. This can cause all types of emotional, mental, and relational issues. Trusting God is a healthier approach. Choosing faith and believing God with other people’s salvation and their faith walk will make everyone’s lives better.

Knowing the Word of God, the character and nature of Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father God, along with our own identity in Christ will greatly help us have clarity with spiritual boundaries. Taking the time to investigate and discern mentally, emotionally, and spiritually will help us mature and live a life filled with more freedom, peace, and joy.

Take your time, there is no hurry. You do not have to figure it all out right away. As you grow in maturity this will allow you to know the good, perfect, and acceptable will of God. It will help you accept the things of the Spirit of God, find what is good, right, true, and pleasing to the Lord, abound in knowledge, and distinguish good from evil. This will empower you to be able to establish healthy boundaries between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of the world.

Blessings,

Ray

The Importance of Discernment

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Sat, 22 May 2021 19:09:08 GMT

Would you like to understand discernment better? What if you could discern more effectively? Would that help your life?

Discernment may or may not be a topic you focus on much, but it is a particularly important part of our maturity. Often, I have found that people think they are discerning when in reality they are just projecting a predetermined opinion on a situation based off of their own woundedness. Now that you have experienced a healing encounter it should be easier for you to discern in the areas where previously you were believing lies, self-protecting, and projecting.

To start, let’s look at some Scriptures that talk about discernment.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. – Romans 12:2

For the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. – Ephesians 5:9-10

The word used in these two Scriptures for discern is Strong’s G1381, dokimazō. It means: to test, approve, allow, discern, examine, prove, try.

The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. – 1 Corinthians 2:14

The word used in this Scripture for discerned is Strong’s G350, anakrinō. It means: to properly scrutinize, investigate, interrogate, determine, question, discern, examine, judge, search.

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment . – Philippians 1:9

The word used in this Scripture for discernment is Strong’s G144, aisthēsis. It means: perception, discernment, judgment.

But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. – Hebrews 5:14

The word used in this Scripture for discernment is Strong’s, diakrisis. It means: judicial estimation, discern, disputation (debate).

Each of these words together express discernment and discerning as testing, approving, allowing, examining, proving, trying, properly scrutinizing, investigating, interrogating, determining, questioning, judging, searching, perceiving, judicially estimating, and debating. This is so much more than just feeling something. One of my biggest issues with what has been described as discernment over the years is that it is often limited to a feeling. The most common mistake people make regarding discernment is they will just accept what they are feeling as a fact of what they think they are discerning.

Our feelings will be a part of discernment, but relying on our feelings for discernment is misleading and destructive. We need to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, examine those emotions, scrutinize them, determine why we are feeling them, and perceive what is truly happening. We cannot just rely on a gut feeling as a final answer. I am not saying we need to discount or deny our feelings. I am saying we need to allow, test, discern, examine, properly scrutinize, investigate, determine, question, judge, and search out our feelings. This will allow us to know the good, perfect, and acceptable will of God, accept the things of the Spirit of God, find what is good, right, true, and pleasing to the Lord, abound in knowledge, and distinguish good from evil.

Understanding the difference between our thoughts and feelings is critical in the discerning process. If you have not read the I Think I Feel blog, please take the time to review that. Discernment requires emotional awareness and clarity of thought. If we are triggered by a lie, and are reacting out of unresolved trauma, we will not have the ability to discern properly. This is what causes us to project our predetermined opinion on situations.

What you think and feel about yourself directly affects your discernment. That is why healing and identity is so important. Now that you have experienced some type of healing, and you can believe who you are, you can discern from your true identity in areas where you could not before. This will begin to change how you perceive people and situations. Especially if you were previously codependently finding your identity in other situations, people, or events. If you were finding your identity in other things, you were not able to properly discern and make good choices. Now you can be you, discern properly, and make healthy choices.

This will be a new experience for some and will sometimes include emotional swings now that you can see clearly. It is OK. Having Awareness of the Functional Dysfunction , the Old Tools , and the Pendulum Swing is part of the maturity process and will help you discern more effectively. Don’t expect to be an expert right away. Take your time and let yourself practice discernment. Test it, examine it, scrutinize it, question it, investigate, and perceive.

Remember, Holy Spirit is revealing all truth to us. Even the healing you experienced was a revelation of truth through spiritual discernment. Discernment is a natural aspect of your identity in Christ. Allow yourself to have emotions. Consider the thoughts you have. Practice capturing your thoughts, bring them into the light, reconsider them, and believe the truth. When you can properly discern you will understand the will of God, accept the truth from Holy Spirit, experience the fruit of being pleasing to God, allow your love to abound in knowledge, and be able to distinguish good from evil. This will help you mature into yourself as a child of God.

You can do this. Be free and enjoy your peace.

Ray

When To Pursue More Healing

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Tue, 11 May 2021 19:44:51 GMT

Do you know if you are in a place where you need to pursue more healing? Are you thriving in freedom, peace, and joy?

After my clients experience a healing encounter, I am often asked, “When should I have another session?” I will usually let them know that the goal is not to engage in continual sessions with me, although there is a time and a place to receive help and guidance from others. All my resources, including an Identity Coaching session, are designed to equip you to be able to process on your own and live a lifestyle of freedom. Sometimes we can process with God on our own, and sometimes we need help. In this blog we will explore how to know when we need help to pursue more healing.

By now, hopefully you have been able to accept your need for healing. We are all in a process of discovering our true identity. As we have already looked at, healing is just a manifested revelation of truth through spiritual discernment. The truth of who we are in Christ is already true, we just do not fully know, believe, or live out that truth. If our thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, and lives do not represent Jesus, it is because we are believing lies and self-protecting in our own effort. What we are being “healed” of are the lies and self-protections. Acknowledging our need for healing is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage and honesty.

Another way we could look at our healing journey is just to look at it in the terms of discipleship. Our healing journey is really a discipleship journey. We follow Jesus and are disciples by faith, not by knowledge. That is why we must go beyond our intellect and knowledge to get to our beliefs. Repentance and obedience are from the heart. We are on a constant journey until we attain to the unity of the faith and knowledge of Jesus, to the full measure of maturity and stature of Christ (Ephesians 4:13). I am not sure about you, but I can guarantee you that I have not attained that yet. Until I do, I will continue to pursue healing.

Now, the question is, “When do I pursue more healing?” On any journey, we are not always actively engaged in every aspect of the journey. There are seasons of focus as we are moving forward. Sometimes we are traveling down the road enjoying the experience, and sometimes we are pulling off to the side to do some needed maintenance. The focus of this journey is the pursuit of the kingdom of God first in everything we do. Freedom, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit is the kingdom of God. As we are pursuing the kingdom there will be times when we hit a pothole or speed bump of fear, shame, or guilt in the road. We do not need to pull over and do maintenance for every bump we hit. If we continually experience a thump-thump-thump of fear, shame, or guilt, we do need to pull over and find out what it is before it causes more damage.

Once you have experienced a pit stop and have resolved the issue that was causing the “thump,” let yourself enjoy the ride for a while. There is no need to look for issues that may be there. If there is no evidence of a problem, I do not recommend looking for one. Jesus has set us free so that we can enjoy our freedom, not so that we can become yoked to the slavery of having to constantly look for issues to be resolved. We are not slaves to our issues. We are slaves to righteousness. Allow yourself to be free and enjoy your peace.

While you are maturing and living your life, becoming more aware, establishing new boundaries, and communicating your needs, you will eventually find new areas of opportunity for growth. As we looked at already, we have intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational boundaries that we are managing. Self-protections are not the same as boundaries. The difference between a wall of self-protection and a boundary is that boundaries still allow others to see you, experience you, and have the choice to honor you. They are flexible and movable based on your needs. A wall is immovable, impenetrable, impersonal, and gives people no choice. As you have choices, and allow others to have choices, you will discover the health of the relationship.

If you can be present in your life and experience freedom, peace, and joy—do it! Use the healthy tools you have learned to live, thrive, and grow. If you are experiencing ongoing fear, shame, or guilt, find out why. Often, people repeatedly tell their stories of past trauma. This would be an example of the thump-thump-thump we looked at earlier. If you find yourself retelling old stories of your past trauma, here is a simple gauge to help you. If you have shared the story more than three times and it is not a testimony, it is time to pursue healing. This is an extremely easy tool to use to let yourself know whether you are getting stuck in a loop of reliving the unresolved trauma, or if you are healed of it.

All of us need affirmation and understanding in our journey of healing. There is a legitimate need to share our stories. Unfortunately, the continual retelling of past trauma keeps us in a loop of reexperiencing the hurt and pain of that trauma. This is destructive to our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. You do not have to continue doing this to yourself. Freedom in Christ is available. If you are stuck in one of these loops, and you can’t process it yourself, seek help. If you want help working through it yourself, get my book, Identity Restoration . If you would like someone to help you work through it, consider an Identity Coaching session.

There is not something wrong with you if you need to pursue more healing. Remember, all of us are on this healing journey together. You are not uniquely screwed up. You are uniquely created in Christ for good works that God prepared beforehand (Ephesians 2:10). You have permission to live free experiencing freedom, peace, and joy. If things do not seem right, you also have permission to examine yourself to see whether you are believing lies and self-protecting.

Blessings on your journey,

Ray

Establishing New Patterns

Tue, 04 May 2021 21:00:33 GMT

Practical Steps for Spiritual Wholeness – Laura Burwick

I remember in the beginning of my healing journey as an adult, feeling that I would never be complete. I had given my life to Jesus as a teenager but had no idea what that meant, and no one taught me. My first kiss and the first time I experimented with cigarettes was at my church youth group. I remember feeling so disconnected from the Lord and ashamed. I did not understand how to change my behavior. I had no idea it was my heart and a relationship that the Lord wanted. I have learned how to move forward towards emotional wellbeing and how not to focus on circumstances.

Along with my personal journey I have had the opportunity to help and counsel many individuals, couples, and families in their journey towards emotional wellbeing. The theme that runs true for everyone is this—how do I avoid pain, disappointment, being vulnerable, and feeling uncomfortable? Sadly, the answer is we don’t! Just because we may not consciously address our issues does not mean we are not affected by them. They have a tendency to be hindrances and can keep us stuck in an old wine skin.

I believe one of the first practical steps for spiritual wholeness starts with being willing to give up control and let the Lord guide your healing. A mentor said to me recently, “My belief that there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix was my way of trying to control God.” It took me some time to evaluate the statement. Deciding what we need to change on our own is the definition of operating out of my own strength and not relying on Him. It is a way of staying focused on me instead of Him and who He says I am. My conclusion is that trusting God with my life and surrendering to Him is much more frightening than deciding what I think needs to be fixed. It also takes away my excuse to stay small and not answer His call on my life. Staying small can be not volunteering to lead at your church, or hosting a Bible study, or applying for the promotion at work. After all, if I still need to be fixed, it disqualifies me from moving forward.

Second practical step for spiritual wholeness is to accept that when we move forward, we will experience resistance. Resistance isn’t always the devil. The patterns and cycles in our lives have been developed as a result of our life experiences. Sometimes even the patterns that are self-destructive are still what we know and understand. Change means taking risks and being vulnerable. It can mean having that difficult conversation with a friend or co-worker, asking for help and not isolating, being intentional and taking our thoughts and beliefs captive on a daily basis, or re-evaluating and believing that what God says about us is the truth.

Third practical step for spiritual wholeness is to recognize the resistance and have a process in place to manage our relationship with our hearts and the Lord. This is a critical step to moving towards emotional wellbeing. It is learning to recognize the patterns and cycles in our lives, when we are trying to control the Lord, or when we are operating out of our own strength and understanding. It is the place where we learn tools and create a process that enables us to change no matter the circumstances. It brings us back to our heart and relationship with the Lord. It is the place we learn to listen to the Lord and ask Him what He would have us do.

Emotional wellbeing is attainable; it’s a process of learning to trust the Lord and yourself. We do not always feel whole, but the truth is we are whole and have everything we need in Jesus. Our responsibility is to have a process in place and realize that we are not in this alone. If you would like to learn new tools and build your own process for sustainable emotional health, I am here to help. I have over 30 years experience helping individuals and families. In a session, we will explore any belief systems you have that are barriers to you moving forward.

For questions or to schedule a Recovery Coaching session, click HERE.

Blessings,

Laura

Dreaming Again

Sun, 25 Apr 2021 10:56:09 GMT

Dreaming Again - by Colleen De Silva

“I want you to tell the world that I AM fun.” - Holy Spirit

Allowing ourselves to dream again after a healing encounter can feel brand new and even uncomfortable at first. Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means that we are stepping into new territories and unfamiliar lands with God. When we go to new places we have to walk around and get familiar before we feel like it’s home.

The concept of dreaming includes nighttime dreams, visions, and aspirational/life dreams. For this blog, I will discuss maturing into our aspirational/life dreams.

After a healing encounter our hearts are more open to the impossible and we are willing to be honest in the present. So many times we realize that what we thought we wanted and enjoyed isn’t really what we want and enjoy anymore. We can also realize that what we want, but didn’t think we could have, is actually what God wants for us too. In both situations, we end up having to reevaluate and dream again .

My story was that I had always secretly wanted to be a film actor. I could never justify this as a Christian but when I went to a ministry school, I had several healing encounters and made a decision to try this acting thing out. I was asked to act in a short film playing a villain. I still struggled with feeling ashamed but I chose to take the role. I stepped into new territory.

On the film day, I finally invited Holy Spirit into this new world. I told Him I was feeling ashamed and afraid to fail. Then, I heard Him respond, “Sweetheart, you are going to do great.” I continued, “I don’t know how to be a villain. Will you please help me?” Then, to my surprise, He said, “Why don’t you slowly drag a chair around the character. It will scratch the floor to intimidate and scare him.” What?! I thought He’d say something like, “You’re on your own kid,” or “I don’t want you to play a villain.” No, He gave me advice. I experienced God’s partnership in my acting dream.

Since then, Holy Spirit has given me more acting advice and amazing revelations. One in particular convicted me to never put God in a box when it comes to dreams. After the premier of a short film I acted in, I heard about an audience member having a breakthrough in the area of grief. While she watched the film, she felt at peace with her father’s death and was able to let the trauma and pain go. After hearing this, Holy Spirit said, “Colleen, the breakthrough that you carry emanated through the screen and brought breakthrough to her.” What she didn’t know is that I too had lost my dad, and that I had experienced breakthrough and healing during filming.

What we carry and the dreams we desire are important. We may not understand how they all fit together but that’s not our responsibility to know. Ours is to be like little children and walk with Jesus through the uncomfortable feelings of stepping into new territories. It’s where we discover even more about God, who He created us to be, and what gifts we carry. Maturing into ourselves is an ongoing process and it takes childlikeness to grow. Maturing does not mean that we lose our childlikeness. In order to dream again, we have to become like children!

Jesus said to the disciples after they asked Him who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 18:1-3) Children are free from worry, they wait for their guardians to guide them... to tell them it’s dinner time, time to do homework, time to go to bed. They listen and obey. What do children do when they aren’t sleeping, eating, and learning? They are PLAYING! This is so important because children really do know how to have fun, don’t they?

As Christians we forget this part of childlikeness. We make excuses as to why we don’t follow the dreams God has planted in our hearts, or if we pursue them, we are ashamed and feel the need to justify them. When we were children running around and playing, not once did we justify playtime, we begged for it! As children, we automatically felt permission to be joyful and free. Do you find yourself justifying your actions when you are doing something you love or enjoy? “I am going to have a spa day because I need it for this reason and that reason... oh and... God told me to do it. So, I’m good... I think?”

You’re not alone! The majority, if not ALL, of Christians have spoken something similar. It’s as if we think that being a Christian is all sacrifice and no play. If this were true, then why did Jesus die for our sins and send the Holy Spirit? A beautiful Spirit that is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. All of these are good things and “against such things there is NO law.” (Galatians 5:22-23) Jesus sent a fun Holy Spirit to guide our days and to hang out with us all the time! When I asked Holy Spirit what He’d like me to focus on for this blog, I heard Him say, “I want you to tell the world that I am fun.” He is fun and wants to have fun dreaming again with us!

Has anyone ever asked you to tell them what your perfect day would look like? A perfect day that has no constraints or impossibilities. This question allows you to dream without the fear of time or age, lack of money, family expectations or anything else! I encourage you to ask yourself what your perfect day would look like. Invite Holy Spirit to sit with you as you write it down and ponder. Be very honest with yourself. Then, ask Holy Spirit and yourself what you believe that is preventing you from having this perfect day? This is a practical way to catapult you into dreaming again with Holy Spirit.

We were meant to LOVE our lives, to enJOY what we do, to have PEACE in the process, to PATIENTLY wait for God’s best, to be KIND to ourselves and others, to receive GOODNESS, to FAITHFULLY dream for the impossible, to receive gentleness and be GENTLE with ourselves and others, and last but not least, to use SELF-CONTROL because we are powerful human beings. Let’s experience dreaming again by taking small steps, even in the uncomfortable, and watch God’s miracles happen as we dream again.

Have fun,

Colleen

Believing in Yourself

Wed, 14 Apr 2021 15:26:00 GMT

How to Believe in You! - by Heather Wright

One of the most common responses I hear (and experience myself) after a breakthrough encounter with the Lord is, “This is wonderful and feels so freeing, but can I really do it?” The need for confidence that you “have what it takes” to carry out what you received is real, although the premise of the question may not be. Here are some ideas that can help us overcome self-doubt so we can live fully in the revelation of our true identity.

Often when we feel overwhelmed about living out something new it’s because we’re focused on what it is we need to be doing. We get trapped in our minds trying to figure out how to work that all out because we “don’t know how.” With our brains stuck in a wad, the feeling that change is too hard is sure to follow. The chain of occurrences I’m laying out below reveals that the true challenge isn’t that we don’t know what to do or how to do it, but that doing is the wrong place to start. Confidence won’t be gained through what we do, or how we’re perceived by others as we do it. Confidence is an inside job. It begins in our minds.

Paul showed us this key in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

To create a new pattern, or habit, of acting and speaking confidently in your newly revealed identity you will want to back track to the beginning of the chain. Shift your focus by deciding to believe in you – the true you that Jesus just revealed to you. This is the key to maturing into the full expression of that aspect of yourself. When you believe in you, your thoughts will tend to be empowering, which will give you feelings that are positive -- even joyful, leading to choices that bring words and actions that support the true you. With practice, this will become your new pattern, or habit of living. That’s the kind of confidence that will remain strong and stable no matter how anyone else responds. That’s the kind of confidence Jesus walked in regardless of anything else, and it’s available for you too!

The Chain of Transformed Living

Belief – Thoughts – Feelings – Choices -- Actions/Words (i.e. doing) – Habits/Pattern

(What you believe will determine the thoughts you are thinking. What you think about determines how you feel. The choices you make and action you take will be created out of the emotion you are experiencing. Over time this becomes a new normal pattern or habit.)

To set yourself up for successfully believing in you, start by accepting self-doubt (the questioning if you can do this) as normal. If doubt is present, it’s just a messenger that potential is there and you are ready to bloom in this area of your life. Rather than fighting or resisting it, embrace self-doubt as a friend that can give you compassion for yourself and others as you go forward. Through the power of the cross you can convert doubt into confidence/Godfidence that you have everything you need in your oneness with God to be transformed. You’re not doing life on your own anymore. Jesus fills in all the gaps to empower and perfect you. And now rather than striving to do things to perfect the new you, you start believing you are perfect and get to have fun practicing being the new you. (Perfect makes practice … fun!)

One of the most effective ways to practice believing in you is starting with the clean slate when you first wake up in the morning. Before you pick up your phone or put your feet on the floor, allow yourself to engage with Holy Spirit in renewing your mind. Let go of all former perceptions and patterns of thought you used to have about yourself and let yourself go into a new place with Him. Here you can imagine and create with Him what it’s like to be the true you. Let yourself be curious. Enjoy just hanging out with Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. Here are some questions you can ask as you explore:

What do I value most as I consider viewing life in this new aspect of myself? What does it feel like to believe this about myself? How does this facet of me reveal God to the world? Let yourself absorb it all. Then begin to bring it back to your present day. What does it look like for you to believe in you this way today? How will you prioritize? What will you wear? What will your posture be when you enter the rooms you need to go into today? How will your voice sound when you speak? What words will you say? How does that feel? More than likely you will find yourself smiling as you consider these things. And that’s a great sign that you are beginning to believe in you. Now you are ready to “wear” your true self and step into your day.

There will be more to come about tools to help you in the practice of maturing into yourself, but none are more important than what you are believing. Celebrate the wonder of even the smallest ways you see that “belief in you” beginning to shine through. If it’s for one minute, celebrate that minute. Don’t worry about the other minutes. With continued practice believing in you, reminding yourself who you really are, the minutes you sustain the true you will expand. Look for the jewels of how the Holy Spirit is bringing things together for you. The unfolding process of “you” can be delightful, peaceful and fun. It’s happening perfectly.

Here’s to YOU!

Heather

Building Your Faith

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 16:13:00 GMT

Faith and trust. What do you find yourself trusting in? Are you content where you are with your faith and your trust in the Lord? Does your faith cause you to experience freedom, peace, and joy in all aspects of your life?

Almost every client I work with talks to me about their desire to develop their faith in the Lord and their trust in Him. It seems this a struggle for many. It is probably the most common topic of conversation I have with my clients. Personally, I know this is one of my greatest struggles. Just last week, after watching God continually meet people in the depths of their lifelong pain and hurt, and miraculously comfort them, heal them, love them, and restore them to the truth of who they are in Him, I was dumbfounded with the level of unbelief I still have. It amazes me that I can live such a supernatural life and still not fully trust Him. It is a constant journey of growth for me. Sometimes I feel victorious in this journey, and sometimes I feel defeated—but I press on and I do not quit. While on this journey, there are a few things I have learned that help me grow in my faith. Hopefully, they will help you too.

Let’s start with a simple definition of faith from Scripture because if we are hoping to build something, it seems appropriate to know what it is. In Hebrews, God’s Word tells us that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Being sure and certain of our hope - Christ in us, the hope of glory - what a hope! Think about that for a minute. Are you sure and certain of the glory of Christ in you? If you are able, let yourself meditate on Hebrews 11:1 and Colossians 1:27, and let your heart and mind ponder the idea of the hope and glory of Christ in you. That truth alone can build your faith.

As we continue in our maturity process, faith will be a key factor in our growth. As I was thinking about building our faith, the first Scripture that came to mind was in Romans.

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ. – Romans 10:17

If faith comes from hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ, His Word needs to be a significant part of our development. As I have shared before, almost every significant encounter I have had with the Lord started with studying His Word. The Bible is such a beautiful gift to us. As we looked at in the Spiritual-Care blog, time with God in His Word is essential in our growth. We have access to God’s Word through reading the Bible, and through direct revelation from Holy Spirit. Now that you have experienced some level of healing, hopefully you are in an even better position to receive truth from Holy Spirit. There are two Scriptures that I thought would help us understand Holy Spirit’s role in hearing the Word.

These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. – John 14:25-26

When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth, for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak, and He will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify Me, for He will take what is Mine and declare it to you. All that the Father has is Mine; therefore I said that He will take what is Mine and declare it to you. – John 16:13-15

As we look at these Scriptures, we can see that the Holy Spirit is our helper, guide, and teacher. He is “speaking” to us. He is reminding us of everything Jesus said, guiding us into all the truth, and glorifying Jesus by declaring to us the things of God. In 1 Corinthians, His Word tells us that our understanding of the things of God come through spiritual discernment. So, Holy Spirit is speaking, declaring, and teaching the things of God to us and helping us understand them through spiritual discernment.

Even when we are reading the Bible, the understanding only comes through spiritual discernment. It is always Holy Spirit teaching us. We are not figuring it out on our own. This process of spiritual discernment can happen in many ways. We can receive truth from the Bible, in prayer, hearing a sermon, talking with a friend, in a dream, encountering God in a vision, or intentionally allowing ourselves to be aware of His presence. Regardless of the experience, listening to Holy Spirit so we can hear the truth is needed. He can talk to us through thoughts, impressions, visions, feelings, memories, sensations, circumstances, an audible voice, and even our imaginations. He can meet us anywhere and reveal truth in whatever way we need.

If we want to build our faith, we need to listen to Holy Spirit in every way that He is speaking and declaring truth to us. It never stops amazing me how God meets people in a way that they can handle and understand. It is almost never the same. Unfortunately, the world, the culture, false religion, and our traumatic experiences have trained us to discount or not even be able to receive from Holy Spirit. Most of the time we do not even have the faith to listen so that we can grow in faith. It has taken me a long time to trust the voice of God in my life. In the beginning of my journey of faith, I met Jesus and started following Him in a visual encounter. I have experienced revelation visually in my mind’s eye, intellectually through prayer, emotionally through confession, and even audibly through hearing God a few times. He has fully engaged my intellect, my emotions, my senses, and my imagination in multiple ways. He is not limited. If you are having trouble relating to the different ways of spiritual discernment, I recommend an Identity Coaching session to be able to encounter God, get to know your true identity, and give your heart a choice.

Now that we are listening to Holy Spirit in every situation, let’s look at some of the practical ways we can build our faith. One of the kingdom principles I see throughout God’s Word is the concept of remembrance. Even the previous Scripture talks about Holy Spirit bringing things to our remembrance. From early in the Bible, God instructed His followers to establish memorials, celebrations, feasts, and traditions—all to remember. Remembering the truth and the work of the Lord will stir up faith.

I recommend finding ways to create memorial stones of your faith journey to celebrate the work of God and your growth. Be creative and let yourself have some tangible memorials that will remind you of what God has done in your life. This could be anything, even an actual stone. I also recommend finding ways to celebrate. Just like the feasts, and the holidays, let yourself celebrate the good things God has done in your life. Build new traditions of celebration in your life to remind you of the truth you are grounded in.

A lot of the principles we looked at in the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual self-care blogs will help you as well. Capturing every thought, bringing it into the light, repenting, believing the truth, speaking that truth over yourself, and encouraging yourself in the Lord. Celebrate the truth and declare it in faith! If you struggle with this, my Who Do You Think You Are? Bible study will help you. As you build your faith, you will recognize the fruit of the Spirit and the gifts of the Spirit manifesting in your life. This will build your faith as well. As the Lord works in you to will and to work according to His good pleasure, it will continue to build your faith. Galatians 3:5 tells us that the Lord supplies the Spirit to us and works miracles among us by hearing and faith. Celebrating those miracles and remembering them will continue to build your faith.

Establishing healthy boundaries and surrounding yourself with people that you can build up and who can build you up is also a great way to stir up faith. Invest in the relationships that build you up in faith and help you grow. Thankfully, you are more equipped now to establish healthy boundaries and communicate.

Take risks, try new things, celebrate, enjoy yourself, and be free. You can do this.

Blessings,

Ray

Spiritual Care

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Sat, 13 Mar 2021 18:52:18 GMT

Spiritual self-care, also known as spiritual disciplines, is a necessary aspect of our maturity. Without it, do not expect to emotionally and mentally mature into your true self.

What I mean by spiritual self-care is to intentionally nurture and develop your spiritual health in a way that develops your relationship with the Lord and brings you peace, joy, and freedom. As holistic beings, our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health are all tied together. If we want to fully mature into our true selves, we need to address all aspects of our being.

As I was thinking and praying about this blog, it became clear to me that this is an area of my life that needs some maturity. I have been working on my emotional, mental, and physical health to catch up with my spiritual health and I ended up dropping some of the spiritual disciplines in the process. To be honest, I have been evaluating the health of some of the religious practices in my life for a few years now.

This is something I take as seriously as I can take anything seriously. What a privilege it is to be invited into a spiritual relationship and journey with the King of Kings who gave everything to redeem us! It is overwhelming sometimes when I think about it. In this blog we are going to explore the different ways we can nurture and develop our spiritual health and relationship with the Lord.

Spiritual disciplines can sound rather daunting, but in reality, they are just expressions of our faith and life with the Lord. That is why I like to think about it as spiritual self-care. As we care for ourselves spiritually, we are expressing the different nuances of our relationship with God, and our identity in Christ. In the same way we need to approach our maturity in a holistic way, I believe we need to nurture our spiritual relationship holistically with Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father God. I have found that if we have an unbalanced approach, we will have an unbalanced spiritual life.

Now that you have experienced some healing, you will be more free to grow in your spiritual care. The purpose of focusing on our spiritual self-care is not to get better at each of the disciplines, but rather to grow and mature in our relationship with God. This ongoing journey will look different for each of us.

I want to share with you some of the aspects I have found helpful in having a balanced approach to growing our relationship. Your process may look different, and that is OK. Each one of us needs to walk out our faith in our own relationship with the Lord. In no particular order, these are the aspects I have found helpful: Community, Communion, Worship, Meditation, Word, Prayer, Giving, Serving, Fasting, Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Repentance. Let’s look at each of these individually.

Community:

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. – Romans 12:4-5

Relationship and community are foundational components of our spiritual care. One of the ways we experience love is by having our needs met. We build each other up and encourage each other in community. Most of the spiritual disciplines require some level of community to be able to express them. We are all part of the body of Christ, and we each serve different purposes together as one body. We love, and are loved, by each one of us expressing our faith, serving each other, and taking care of each other’s needs. There are many ways we can connect and do life together. There is no specific way we need to do this. To be a body though, there is a necessity to be connected in some way. As we grow in maturity, we will naturally desire connection and relationship with others.

Communion:

The cup of blessing that we bless, is it not a participation in the blood of Christ? The bread that we break, is it not a participation in the body of Christ? – 1 Corinthians 10:16

I see communion more as an expression of the recognition, acceptance, and celebration of the Lord’s provision any time I am engaging in eating or drinking, rather than a tradition we must do as part of a liturgy. It is such a humbling and grounding experience to intentionally take the time with Jesus and others to join in the remembrance of His sacrifice, death, resurrection, and future return. It is such a good practice to remember Him.

Worship:

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. – Romans 12:1

Years ago, I was reading this Scripture and I felt the Lord revealed to me that the foundational aspect of worship is agreement. The demonstration of worship is the expression of that agreement. This comes in more forms than just music and singing. There is something special about corporate “worship.” During this past year of having so much of our normal lives shut down due to the pandemic, corporate worship is the thing I miss most about church gatherings. I really recommend finding ways to express your agreement with the Lord and experience His presence.

Meditation:

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. – Psalms 19:14

Meditation is just a time of resting in the Lord and intentionally focusing on His presence. This allows us to take our experience with Him beyond an intellectual thought of Scripture and into an experiential revelation of His truth. Letting ourselves engage our senses physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in our relationship with God will help us to mature into the fullness of who we are in Christ. This can be as simple as practicing the presence of God in our day to day lives to time in our prayer closet or experiencing dreams and visions with the Lord.

Word:

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ. – Romans 10:17

Almost all my encounters and visions with God were inspired from a time of study in His Word. The Word of God is so important in the development of our relationship with Him. Most of my engagement with the Word of God is through audio. Even though I have been healed of my dyslexia issues, reading is still not natural for me. I have an audio Bible on my phone and computer, a Logos Bible study program, and Blue Letter Bible that I commonly use for time in the Word. Almost all the Scripture I use and quote is ESV. I use NKJ and ESV for study. The audio versions I use are NIV, NLT, and ESV. I recommend finding a way to spend time in God’s Word in whatever way works with you, your needs, and your personality.

Prayer:

For I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance. – Philippians 1:19

I have found that it is hard to have a relationship with someone you do not communicate with. Prayer is just a relational conversation with the Lord. As we converse with Him, I recommend that we speak and listen. So often the listening piece is missing in the relationship. Hopefully, now that you have experienced some healing you are able to listen more and trust that God is engaging with you. Unfortunately, so many of my clients have been religiously trained to discount, deny, or rationalize away God’s part of the prayer conversation. I recommend establishing an ongoing prayer life where you communicate with the Lord, and make space for Him to communicate with you.

Giving:

You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God. – 2 Corinthians 9:11

Finding a way to express your agreement with God and invest into the kingdom through giving is such a glorious growing opportunity. Each one of us has been created to pursue and fulfill the desires of our hearts. Letting ourselves be part of different expressions of kingdom development through giving helps us experience that fulfillment. Whatever your compassion and your calling lead you to, I recommend finding ways to invest into that.

Serving:

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. – 1 Peter 4:10

Allowing ourselves to express our God-given gifts and talents to serve others is good stewardship. It allows us to get to know ourselves better and mature in our gifting. As we already looked at, one of the ways we love each other is by taking care of each other’s needs. Using our gifts to serve will help us to experience and understand love, as well as prepare us to receive love.

Fasting:

And they said to Him, “The disciples of John fast often and offer prayers, and so do the disciples of the Pharisees, but yours eat and drink.” – Luke 5:33

I have found fasting to be one of the best reset buttons in my life. It affects my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. The fasts that are the most beneficial for me are the water fasts. I highly recommend implementing fasting into your lifestyle in a way that is healthy for you and your needs. The benefits are immeasurable. It doesn’t have to be food if that is a trigger for you. Do what is healthy and the most loving for you.

Gratitude:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

As we are recovering from our previous trauma, an intentional attitude of gratefulness will help train our thinking to focus on the good things we have. This is not about denial; it is about focus. We still need to be honest with ourselves and God with what we are thinking and feeling as we practice focusing on the things we are grateful for. Whenever I apply this, it is helpful to my attitude and emotional health.

Forgiveness:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32

Forgiveness is a key component to a lifestyle of freedom. Letting go of offenses and debts we think people owe us is essential to maturity. Unforgiveness is a toxic problem that will develop a mindset of bitterness and keep us from experiencing freedom. I highly recommend reviewing Chapter Seven of my Identity Restoration book if you have any issues with forgiveness.

Repentance:

The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel. – Mark 1:15

Now that you have experienced healing and freedom in your life, you will have the ability to choose. You can reconsider what you are thinking and have the freedom to believe the truth. In my opinion there is nothing more practical you can do to impact your life and your maturity. If you can change your thinking, you can change your life.

I hope this is helpful for you! As with any religious practice, these can all be taken out of context and become just a meaningless ritual. It is very important to remember that these are all intended to help nurture your relationship with God and allow you to live in freedom, peace, and joy. For freedom Christ has set you free. Stand firm in your freedom and don’t submit to another type of slavery.

Be free and enjoy your peace!

Ray

Emotional Care

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 15:21:38 GMT

Emotional self-care. If you aren’t doing it, you’re missing out. Believe me, you want to get really good at this! It is an important part of maturity and healthy relationships.

What I mean by emotional self-care is to intentionally nurture and develop your emotional health in a way that brings you peace, joy, and freedom. To allow yourself to acknowledge, accept, make space for, and express your emotions in a healthy way. This will be an ongoing learning experience that looks a little different for each one of us.

As with intellectual boundaries, one of the most important aspects of emotional self-care is to have healthy boundaries. If you have not read the Emotional Boundaries blog yet, please take the time to review it. It will help you understand how to take responsibility for your own emotions and allow other people to be responsible for theirs.

Learning emotional health has been a long and ongoing process for me. Growing up in a home where there was no room for my emotions made it difficult to mature in them. The lack of training created a void where I did the best I could by developing a variety of unhealthy patterns of denial, numbing, and deflection. The most common pattern was masking almost all the painful emotions I was experiencing with anger. I was not aware this was a self-protection system I had created; it just seemed like normal life for me. My inability to make room for the painful emotions helped me to accept the unhealthy lifestyle of anger. I am still working on deconstructing some of the old unhealthy structures I built. Hopefully, what I have learned along the way will be helpful for you.

One of the best places to start with emotional self-care is to accept that we are emotional beings, and we will have feelings. I have worked with so many people who express that they are not emotional people. I have found this to be untrue for everyone who claimed it. We all have emotions. If you need to, take a moment to let that sink in. Our job is to learn how to accept and steward them if we want to experience healthy lives and relationships.

Emotions are not a result of the fall. They are a God-given resource for us to be aware of our relational, mental, and spiritual health. They are like instruments on the dashboard of a car. They give us a reading of how things are going under our hood. That is why it is so important to start with emotional boundaries—acknowledging our feelings, and accepting they are ours. This will allow us to address whatever issues are being reported to us. Our feelings are a great guide to let us know what we are perceiving, thinking, and experiencing. If we are unable to acknowledge our emotions, we will tend to blame other people and circumstances for them. Making room for our emotions will help us find out what we are thinking that is creating the emotion. Painful emotions come from either lies or loss. If we refuse to accept the emotion and confront it, we will never be able to find out if it is a loss we need to grieve, or a lie we need to repent from.

As we allow ourselves permission to have emotions, and be aware of them, we will begin to have the ability to steward them in a healthy way. I have found for myself, and with many of my clients, it seems easier to have empathy and compassion for others than it is for ourselves. A good tool to see where we personally need empathy, compassion, and healing is to take notice of the areas we usually find ourselves connecting with other people’s trauma and emotions. If we are not aware of our own emotions in these situations, we tend to be codependently connected to other people’s feelings instead. As we can be present in our emotions, we can then have empathy and compassion for ourselves. Just like the Word mentions in Matthew 7, and Luke 6, we need to address the emotional log in our own eyes before trying to help someone else with the emotional speck in theirs.

There is an additional dynamic to the need for emotional empathy and compassion for ourselves. I have found it extremely helpful to not only have a sense of empathy for our younger selves who experienced the emotional trauma, but also for our present self in the moment. Having an understanding that we were a young child at some point and experienced trauma is somewhat easy to have empathy for. But, it doesn’t seem to be as easy to have empathy for ourselves in the present moment as an adult still experiencing the emotional trauma. It is especially important to acknowledge both. If we can validate our emotions and have empathy for both our younger self and for our present self, we can then process the issue and find healing. Doing just one or the other can be incomplete and keep us in a place where we still act out of the unresolved trauma.

There are many ways we can help ourselves be present and mature in our emotions. One of the tools is learning how to breathe properly. I recommend researching the 7-11 breathing techniques for stress. This tool is much more beneficial than just for stress. The full lung breathing exercises, to help engage your parasympathetic nervous system, will help your body rest and allow you to slow down and connect with your thoughts and feelings. Using the awareness breathing techniques, along with the Three Steps to Life in Chapter Five of my Identity Restoration book, will help you immensely in your journey of maturity. As we become aware of our emotions, we will become more aware of our thoughts. If you remember, our emotions are an expression of our thoughts. We will then be empowered with the opportunity to repent and believe the good news. Along with awareness, we also need to give ourselves permission to express our emotions. As we are working out our emotions, having a safe outlet to express them is invaluable.

Some additional practices that are beneficial to our emotional health are physical exercise, forgiveness, healthy eating habits, managing our self-talk, cultivating hobbies, experiences, and relationships we enjoy, focusing on intentional gratitude, and giving ourselves permission to make mistakes. This will greatly impact our ability to steward our emotions. If we can look at our emotional health in combination with our physical, mental, and spiritual health, we will be much more balanced in our lives. There are multiple resources online to help you learn and grow in your emotional health. A simple way to start could just be searching “emotional self-care” online.

You have permission to feel, and you have permission to pursue a healthy lifestyle of freedom, peace, and joy.

Blessings on your journey,

Ray

Mental Care

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Sun, 17 Jan 2021 13:14:36 GMT

Mental self-care. Have you given this some thought? Do you spend any time on this? If not, I really recommend that you do. It is such an important part of our maturity.

What I mean by mental self-care, is to intentionally nurture and develop your intellect and your thought life in a way that brings you peace, joy, and freedom. To personally invest in yourself and pursue the healthy desires of your mind—learning, growing, and maturing. This will look a little different for each one of us.

As we looked at in the Intellectual Boundaries blog, one of the most important aspects of mental self-care is to have healthy boundaries with our thoughts. If you have not read that blog, please take the time to review it. It will help you understand the concept of personal responsibility in thinking your own thoughts and allowing other people to think theirs. I believe this is one of the most important things you can do for your mental health.

I am far from being someone who would be considered an intellectual. My academic background is limited. I could barely read growing up and was dyslexic until I came to faith at the age of thirty. I was never officially diagnosed, and did not recognize the severity of the problem until it was healed. That healing opened me to a whole new world of reading that had been difficult for me before. When I was younger, I was totally uninterested in school, saw no real benefit in education, and cheated in many of my classes to make up for my reading issues. Math was the only subject that was easy for me.

I share this with you to show that mental self-care can have its challenges. We may have limitations or handicaps that make things more difficult. For me, even getting healed from the symptoms of dyslexia did not fix all my issues with reading. I was healed, but God did not backfill the experience. I am still a slow reader, and I do not have a love for it like some of my friends and family. I read for specific, informational purposes. It is not a comforting or relaxing time for me. I prefer to listen to books rather than read them. Thankfully, there are usually ways around our limitations.

The point is, now that you have experienced a healing encounter, there are areas of your mind that are immature and ready for growth. Finding ways to stimulate your intellect is important to your cognitive health. Since I am not an expert on this, I recommend researching beneficial ways that work for you, your lifestyle, and your desires.

Maybe there are things you have been wanting to learn, but your previous fear, shame, or guilt kept you from pursuing them. Maybe there is a language you have thought about learning, a musical instrument you have been wanting to play, or a class you have been wanting to take. There may be some games you have been wanting to learn to play but have not let yourself. Games are a great way to intellectually stimulate our minds. There could be a project in your home that will challenge your current knowledge or skill level. Learning and developing new skills is a great way to grow and mature. Now may be the time to do it.

Opening our minds up to new or different ideas outside of our understanding is so good for our maturity. Being able to discuss ideas with someone who sees things differently, and letting ourselves relate to how other people think, is so good for us and our development. I still remember early on in my faith as I was reading the Scriptures and getting revelation about what is now the foundation of my ministry. My friends were at various places on the spectrum of faith. I would talk and discuss these ideas with them and allow myself to understand their point of view. This helped me to refine and develop what I do now. It helped solidify what I do believe and gain understanding of the things I don’t. If I had only let myself hear, study, and talk to people who agree with what I already thought and knew, it would have been a dangerous limitation that could have stunted my growth.

One of the most common attacks from the enemy that I have seen in my client’s lives is an attack on their intellect. Accusations of stupidity are something many need to process through and be healed from. Sometimes these attacks were orchestrated by people that were close to them. I know this one personally. From patterns of abuse and accusations in my childhood, I believed I was stupid. I still remember when I first began to question that. In high school, while I was struggling to read, not applying myself, not studying, partying, and barely ever doing my homework, I was still doing better on tests and with my overall class grade than some of my friends who were trying to do well. This confused me! I remember thinking, “How can I be stupid if I am doing better than they are?” This was not resolved until much later in my life, but I did begin to question the accusations of my past and the ones in my own thoughts.

You now have freedom in your intellectual abilities that you may not have had before your healing encounter. You are free to learn without condemnation. Free to make mistakes and not be punished for them. Free to try new things and grow in understanding. In my opinion, one of the best tools for learning is trying something and making mistakes. Talk about experiential revelation! You have permission to try. Permission to make mistakes, learn, try again, and get better at whatever it is you are learning.

You can do this. You were created to be able to learn. You have everything you need to grow and mature.

Blessings,

Ray

Physical Care

Tue, 29 Dec 2020 02:29:41 GMT

Physical needs may not be the first thing that comes to mind when we think about mental and emotional healing. It is something that really needs to be considered in our maturing process. We are holistic beings, and our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health are all connected. As we continue to look at self-nurture, we are going to explore the need to care for ourselves physically.

Over the years I have noticed how the emotional and mental pain and trauma of my clients was affecting their health. I have also noticed how they would sometimes experience physical healing along with their breakthrough. This, along with my own research and healing, has changed the way I do Identity Coaching. I now see how the physical is so intimately connected to our mental and emotional health. This has led me to incorporate awareness breathing techniques in the coaching session so my clients can connect with and release the trauma stored in their body. If you have experienced an Identity Coaching session , you are familiar with this.

I have seen so many physical healings happen through prayer and coaching sessions. Some have been creative miracles, and some have been healing causally related to the processing of their unresolved trauma. Personally, I do not care how God does it, I just love watching the healing happen! I have seen Crohn’s Disease reversed, broken bones reset, migraines disappear, back pain resolved, brain fog cleared, eating disorders broken, Irritable Bowel Syndrome vanish, food and seasonal allergies gone, and even cancer disappear. It never stops being amazing.

You may or may not have experienced a tangible physical healing when you had your healing encounter. Whether you are aware of it or not, I believe you also experienced some level of physical healing along with the emotional or mental breakthrough. Now that you are more free, the attention to your physical health will benefit your maturity, as well as your ability to steward your thoughts and emotions.

I am not an expert on physical health, and this is not intended to give you medical advice. As part of your holistic maturity, I do recommend you get the medical advice you may need. It is not faith to ignore or deny an issue. If you are aware of some physical abnormality in your body, find out what it may be from a qualified person. Everybody has their own opinion on the medical profession, and how much they can trust them. Personally, I think they are still mostly just guessing, although it is an educated guess from people who are much more experienced and educated than we are on the subject. Part of the ability to physically nurture yourself is to know what your physical condition is and what your body needs. Getting advice from someone more qualified on the subject is a really good idea.

If you did experience physical healing during your encounter, there will be a process of maturity in your body as well. Regardless of what the issue was, you do not have the experience of operating in proper physical health in that area of your body. You may need a type of physical therapy to learn how to live your life with your new healed reality. You will need patience and practice to do this. Thankfully, you have the fruit of the Spirit in you.

Caring about the physical health of our bodies is a healthy and mature mindset. This type of mindset is not something I have always had. As a kid I was so wounded and confused that I could not even comprehend the idea of caring about my body. I was just surviving and trying to numb the emotional pain I was living in. I still remember a time in my early teens talking with a neighborhood friend about drugs. She told me that she would not do drugs because she cared about her body too much. I still clearly remember this conversation because it was such a weird concept. I could not even connect with the idea of caring about my body or myself in a nurturing way. I had no respect or understanding of how my actions and lifestyle was affecting my body or even that it mattered in any way. It was years later before I had any sense of stewarding and caring for my physical health. Our physical health matters. Your physical health matters, and you have permission to live healthier.

There are many ways that we can nurture ourselves physically as we continue to mature. Each one of these could have been affected by our unresolved traumas and could have been twisted into a self-protection that was adversely hurting our bodies. For example, our need to eat and fuel our bodies could have become an infatuation or a self-comfort that caused damage to our bodies. For me, food has always been a self-comfort. I must pay attention to this. I am now aware that the enemy used food against me, and I would unsuccessfully try to use it to manage my emotions. Others may have had eating disorders that caused them to purge or not eat. If you experienced healing with either one of these, you now need to learn how to manage eating in a healthier way and not use it as a self-protection or self-comfort. This could similarly apply to physical exercise, addictions, sleeping, rest, or other areas of your life. Wisdom, moderation, understanding, and grace are needed in all these areas.

I recommend you do some research in the area of need you have and make a plan to bless and nurture yourself physically. Let yourself get the rest you need. Find a way to exercise that fits your personality and lifestyle. Learn the foods and nutrients that are right for your health. Get a massage or go to the spa and treat yourself. Go see a physical therapist or chiropractor if it is appropriate for you. Schedule that doctor appointment you have been putting off. Just give yourself permission to manage the care of your body. If you don’t know how to do it, let others help you. Get the specialized help you need. You are worth it, and you can do this.

Blessings,

Ray

Self-Nurture

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 01:59:47 GMT

What do you think of when you think of self-nurture? Is that concept even a part of your thinking?

Is self-nurture even Christian? After all, aren’t we supposed to deny ourselves and carry our cross? How do we deny ourselves and nurture ourselves at the same time?

Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.” – Matthew 16:24

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” – Luke 9:23

Obviously, the Lord wants to express something here in His Word. In two of the gospels the Scripture is telling us to deny ourselves. How do we do that and nurture ourselves?

Unfortunately, there has been a lot of confusion around this topic for many of my clients. This caused them to have an unhealthy perspective about denying their own needs and only focusing on others. This perspective contributes to many of the relational and emotional issues in our lives. Hopefully, now that you have experienced a healing encounter, you will allow yourself to have needs and nurture yourself.

Self-nurture is the process of caring for and encouraging your own growth and development. This is a key factor in the process of maturing into yourself. I do not think we can fully mature without caring for our own needs. So it makes sense that we need to find an understanding of who or what it is we are being told to deny. I am reminded of an encounter I had one time when I was hearing a lot of teaching around the idea of denying ourselves daily and carrying our cross.

I was listening to Scripture and praying about this whole discipleship concept of “denying myself and carrying my cross” when the Lord drew me into a vision with Him. If you are not familiar with what I mean by vision - it is a spiritual, emotional, and visual encounter that happens in your mind’s eye that experientially seems just like real life. The encounter started with Father God entering the room with me and asking me a question. He said, “How many times was Jesus crucified on the cross?” This alone was an impactful experience for me. I could have stopped there and just have been filled with the revelation of Jesus and the completeness of His sacrifice for me, but the Father had more. Right after He told me this, Jesus entered the room and said, “Everyone follows Me into death, not everyone follows Me into life… Discipleship is following Me into life.” I was undone!

In that moment things became more clear to me. The “self” we are to deny is our old, dead self that was hostile to God and is no longer who we are. Carrying our cross daily is the continual reminder that the old self is dead. It is not an attempt to crucify the new self. If we are to follow Jesus, we need to deny our old, dead self, remind ourselves that this is no longer who we are, and follow Him into His abundant life as a new creation. This is discipleship. Our new self, with our new heart and new spirit, is redeemed, alive, righteous, fruitful, pure, and accepted. We can allow ourselves to be loved, known, trusted, pleasing, powerful, and have a purpose. We need to nurture our new self and allow ourselves to live, grow, and mature into the stature of the fullness of Christ.

So how do we care for and encourage ourselves? To start with, I would recommend that we follow David’s example in 1 Samuel 30:6 and “encourage ourselves in the Lord.” The Great Commandment tells us to love God, and love others as we love ourselves. Commonly this gets whittled down to just love God and love others. So often the concept of loving ourselves is missed, or even directly rejected. The problem with this is, we must let ourselves be loved in order to love God. We love because He first loved us. If we cannot love ourselves and allow ourselves to be loved, we can neither love God nor others. Often, what I see happen in people lives who do not love themselves is that they will use others in an attempt to feel loved. This is another way that we destroy our relationships.

Commonly the idea of self-nurture and taking care of your needs is looked upon as selfishness. This is not selfishness; this is healthy discipleship. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be able to take care of others. Not loving ourselves, or letting ourselves be loved, is selfishness. The problem with this is that selfishness keeps us from getting our real needs met. If we love, care for, and encourage ourselves in the Lord we will be able to have our real needs met and will naturally help others with their needs.

Refusing the lie that you are still that old, dead self is one of the ways you can love yourself. Choosing to believe you are a new creation in Christ is one of the ways you can love God and yourself. When you can love God and love yourself, you can delight in Him and He will fulfill the desires of your heart. The desires of your new heart are good, and He wants to fulfill them.

There are multiple aspects of self-nurture. We are going to explore some of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs over the next few blogs. We will look at how you can nurture yourself in these areas so you can love God and love others. God cares for you, and He wants you to abide in His love. You are worth it, and you can do this.

Blessings,

Ray

Getting to Know Yourself

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Wed, 25 Nov 2020 19:40:31 GMT

Do you know what your boundaries are? Do you know your personal needs, likes, and desires?

Unfortunately, many of my coaching clients are having trouble making decisions because they do not really know themselves. So many of the clients I work with share the difficulty they have making decisions because they are unaware of what they even like or really want.

It is exceedingly difficult to establish emotional, intellectual, or relational boundaries when you do not really know yourself. As we looked at in the Establishing Boundaries blog, if you do not know yourself, you cannot really know your needs. In this blog we are going to explore the discovery process of getting to know ourselves.

Now that we are more aware of the differences between our thoughts and emotions, and other people’s thoughts and emotions, it will be much easier to get to know ourselves better. When we have the freedom to explore, test, and experience life without managing other people’s thoughts and feelings, we will become aware of what we really think and feel.

The personal responsibility of doing and having things based on your own choices can be either very scary or very exhilarating. Sometimes this can be a new experience for you. If you’ve had a pattern of analyzing how other people think and feel about what you are doing or saying, there will now be a newfound freedom. In this freedom is where you get to explore, try new things, make mistakes, and learn what you like and do not like.

Just think for a moment what it would be like if you were able to make choices without any thought of relational retaliation, emotional punishment, or accusations. What if you could actually believe your heart is good, that you make good choices, that you are trustworthy, and that you have God and others’ interests in mind. What if you aren’t selfish just because you also have needs? What if you could live a life and have boundaries based upon your needs and your capacity. Wow, what could that look like?

You have permission to make mistakes. This is a good thing too, because if you live your life you will make mistakes. As you try new things, you will find that they are not all things you like or want. That is OK; that is how we learn. You may also find that things you have been doing because you “should” be doing them, aren’t things you like or want to do anymore. That is OK also.

I have been around the religious community enough to know that some of you may be triggering from what I am sharing. The idea of trusting yourself and following your heart can be challenging for some. Let me be clear—I am not saying to go live a lifestyle of sin and reject all your responsibilities in life. Mistakes are not sins. Let your childlike wonder be restored and allow yourself to follow the desires of your heart. Your new heart. Your redeemed, alive, righteous, fruitful, pure, and accepted heart. If you have trouble with this concept, my Who Do You Think You Are? Bible study may help you. You can also schedule an Identity Coaching session if you need help getting to know your heart and your true identity in Christ.

As a new creation, the natural desires of your heart will be true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. If you are having desires that are not honorable, just, and pure, that is not your heart, that is a lie and a wound. Your new heart in Christ is trustworthy.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalms 37:4 ESV

Delight – the Hebrew word used here is ‘anag (Strong’s H3045)

It means: to be soft – pliable – luxurious – delicate – to delight

Now that we have experienced healing in our hearts we can now softly, luxuriously, and delicately be pliable and able to delight in the Lord. As we can be vulnerable with God and trust Him and the truth of who He created us to be, He will give us the desires of our hearts. This area of trust, softness, and delight is where we will get to know ourselves. We will discover what we truly like, what we enjoy doing, and what we were gifted and called to do. We will begin to experience the natural expression of who we are.

As we get to know ourselves better, we will begin to adjust our boundaries. These new boundaries will be based on our needs and capacity, not the other person. This is not selfish; this is permission to exist, live, and thrive. Having healthy boundaries is better for everyone we are in relationship with. If we don’t have healthy boundaries, we will end up interacting with others through a self-protection of fear, shame, or guilt instead of being present. This will keep us from knowing ourselves or the others we are engaging with.

As your heart softens for the Lord and you begin to delight in Him, allow yourself the permission to be pliable and adjust your boundaries. It is OK that you won’t get it all right all the time. It will be a learning process. You will get better at this and you will mature into yourself. You can do this. Let yourself try, make mistakes, learn, try again, and grow.

I have a few questions to help you see how well you know yourself, and to help you get to know yourself better. Please take a few minutes with each one of these questions to think about them and let yourself dream.

What are the things that bring me peace?

What are the things that bring me joy?

What are the things that bring me freedom?

What do I enjoy doing the most?

What is my favorite form of creative expression?

Now, let’s ask God a few questions. Let yourself ask the Lord these questions and give yourself room to receive.

How can I make more room for these in my life?

What boundaries need to be modified in my life to help me?

Please let us know how we can help you as you journey through this process. We’d love to hear from you.

Blessings and Peace,

Ray

I think I feel

Mon, 02 Nov 2020 22:46:56 GMT

We have looked at intellectual boundaries and emotional boundaries with others, now I want to look at the boundaries between our own thoughts and emotions. This is probably one of the most confusing areas of boundaries that my clients are working through.

Everyone has thoughts and feelings. These are a normal part of life. The problem is, we are so used to them we sometimes tend to not be conscious of them. Often, my clients are unaware of the thoughts they are thinking, the emotions they are feeling, or even the difference between the two. The processes that are happening have become so familiar to them; it is like a foundational reality they are not even aware of. This can cause continual loops of occurrences they do not necessarily want to keep experiencing. Becoming aware of our thought processes and our emotions is a huge step in the development of change and freedom.

The first step in healthy communication and healthy relationships is learning the differences between our own thoughts and emotions. One of the reasons that emotions can get the best of us sometimes is because we do not understand or even know what we are actually feeling. When we can know and understand clear boundaries in our own thoughts and emotional life, we will begin to be able to establish healthy boundaries with other people’s thoughts and emotions. This will allow us to establish healthy relational boundaries with them as well.

The strongholds, arguments, imaginations, lofty opinions, and elevated false identities we have established in our thoughts have caused us to experience fear, guilt, and shame.

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ – 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

These strongholds, arguments, and lofty opinions are not an attack from the enemy that we need to spiritually defeat. They are our personal thoughts. Understanding this will help us tear them down. We have divine power to be able to repent, reconsider our thoughts, change our thinking, and believe the good news of freedom, peace, and joy.

The strongholds are the things we are personally holding on to for safety, and the positions we are defending, causing fear. The arguments are the imaginations, reasonings, and judgments we use to prove our positions and decisions right, causing guilt. The lofty opinions are the barriers and false identities we elevate above the knowledge of ourselves and God, causing shame. These strongholds, arguments, and lofty opinions are what we have the divine power to tear down.

The problem comes in when we misunderstand these and begin to label them as feelings. When we do this, we are unable to connect with what we are actually thinking or feeling, and we will react out of an imagined lofty stronghold instead of reality. When we can properly define thoughts, we can get in touch with the real emotion and find out what the belief system is that is creating that feeling. I break this out in detail and give you a practical application to be able to process your thoughts and feelings in Chapter Five of my book, I dentity Restoration .

The example I use in Chapter Five, Three Steps to Life, breaks out a situation where it seems like you may be experiencing manipulation. I used manipulation because it is such a common unhealthy communication tool. A lot of my clients have expressed similar situations and they described that they felt manipulated. The issue is that manipulation is not an emotion. It is a thought. What can happen is that a familiar feeling can get associated with a particular type of situation where you think you may have experienced manipulation. This thought of being manipulated can then get labeled as an emotion you are feeling. Then when you experience a certain situation you will “feel” manipulated. This is a real problem because it may be happening, or may just be a perception. Either way it can cause you to react out of an unresolved trauma from the past, instead of being able to be present and respond out of who you are. This will keep you from being able to find out the real feeling and be able to resolve the trauma.

Emotions are almost always an expression of our thoughts. When we can know the difference between thoughts and feelings, it can help us be able to capture our thoughts and make them obedient to the truth. When we can steward our thought life, we can then steward our emotions. The problem is not that our emotions are out of control, it is that our thoughts are out of control. It is futile to attempt to manage our emotions without managing our thoughts. Usually, even though there are some exceptions (such as loss), when we are emotionally overwhelmed, it is because our thoughts are running rampant creating strongholds of fear, arguments of guilt, and opinions of shame.

If you are having trouble defining the difference between your thoughts and emotions, help is available. An I dentity Coaching session will help you take inventory of your heart, discover your thought processes, help you understand your structures of defense, and find out what truth is available for you. You can get to know yourself and give your heart a choice.

Freedom is available.

Peace is possible.

Joy is real.

Blessings,

Ray

Taking New Territory

Wed, 21 Oct 2020 01:04:11 GMT

Do you have good emotional and intellectual boundaries? Not sure what that means or how to get there? In this blog we explore the process of living with healthy boundaries.

I believe that in order to have healthy relationships and healthy relational boundaries we have to start with developing a pattern of good intellectual and emotional boundaries. If you have had trouble with these in the past, you should find it a little easier now that you have experienced your healing encounter. It is good to remember though, we are all on a journey. As we begin to establish new healthy boundaries, we may become aware of more areas where we need healing. That is OK. Let yourself experience the freedom you have, and do not focus on the areas where you may need more healing. You can address that area once you take ownership of the healing you have experienced.

It reminds me of when God shared the process of entering the promised land in Exodus 23. He shared that not all the land would be cleared out right away. Little by little in a way they could steward, the Lord would give them new territory. As they took the new land, they were to drive out the inhabitants and make no covenant with them or their false gods. This is the same thing we need to do with everyone who has been inhabiting our thoughts and feelings.

I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and possess the land. And I will set your border from the Red Sea to the Sea of the Philistines, and from the wilderness to the Euphrates, for I will give the inhabitants of the land into your hand, and you shall drive them out before you. You shall make no covenant with them and their gods. They shall not dwell in your land, lest they make you sin against me; for if you serve their gods, it will surely be a snare to you.” – Exodus 23:29-33

We have all had teachings, training, habits, and mindsets drilled into our head since we were young. Not all of these are healthy or helpful. Some of these have become so familiar we don’t even realize it is an outside influence. We have accepted it as normal. If it is not freedom, peace, and joy—it is not normal. We now have the opportunity to erase those old tapes and drive out the wild beasts of fear, shame, or guilt that have multiplied against us.

Conceptually that sounds great, but how do we practically do this? That is a good question! To be honest, it is something I am still working through. I have spent years driving out the old unwanted inhabitants of my thoughts and feelings that were established through cultural influences, generational false beliefs, and traumatic experiences. I will share with you what I have learned through working with my clients over the years, as well as partnering with Jesus in my own journey.

One of the key tools I have developed over the years to help my clients walk out their freedom is the Three Steps to Life. This tool is designed to help you be present, choose reality, and experience God. The simplicity of this concept has helped some of my most sophisticatedly wounded clients begin to experience freedom, peace, and joy in their lives. If you want more information about this life changing tool, I break these steps out in detail in Chapter Five of my book, Identity Restoration . Let’s review them here.

Step One – Intentionally Stay Present

What I mean by this is to stay connected and present with yourself and your situation. This is a less common practice than you may think. So often, instead of living in the present moment, we will not only just live in the past or the future, but we will also choose to trigger off into some sort of self-protection in the way of fear, shame, or guilt. This can cause us to not truly be present, and instead of being able to engage in the moment and respond, it is more like we are just observing and reacting.

Staying present mentally and emotionally will help you to have the capacity to remove yourself from a situation if needed. It will also allow you to establish boundaries and healthy communication where needed instead of perpetuating a dysfunctional pattern. There has to be intentionality to this because of the many self-protections we have established that are distracting us from being present.

Step Two – Choose Reality

What I mean by choosing reality is to let yourself think your thoughts and feel your feelings. To actually acknowledge what it is you are thinking and feeling. So much of what is going on internally we do not even pay attention to. We tend to automatically just accept whatever is going on in our thoughts and feelings as reality without even stopping to check what they are. We can trust our feelings to tell us what we are feeling, but we cannot trust our feelings to tell us what other people are doing, thinking, or feeling. We need to capture our thoughts and pay attention to how our thoughts are affecting our feelings in a situation.

We cannot just accept how we feel as an accurate read of what is happening, although we can trust those feelings to help us find out what we believe is happening. If we are personally feeling an emotion that doesn’t fall in the categories of righteousness, peace, and joy, we are most likely believing a lie. A lie about God, ourselves, others, or the circumstance. The process of letting ourselves be present in the situation, and aware of our own thoughts and feelings is critical to establishing healthy intellectual and emotional boundaries. When we can begin to realize that we have our own thoughts and feelings that may or may not represent the situation, we can begin to understand how other people have their own thoughts and feelings. This will allow us to start driving out other people’s thoughts and feelings from our own.

Step Three – Connecting with God

What I mean by Connecting with God is to align yourself with the reality that God is already with you. This third step is the process of allowing yourself to acknowledge the presence of God however He is revealing Himself to you in that moment. Let yourself be in the presence of God. This will allow you to engage with the Lord and bring Him into your thoughts and feelings right in the situation or circumstance that you are actually experiencing.

These three steps are the foundational process of establishing new, healthy boundaries. If you want more help, my free email course, Three Secrets , will help you understand these steps better. As you begin to understand the boundaries and the differences between your own thoughts and emotions, you will be able to establish new communication habits and relational boundaries. We will look at the boundaries of emotions and thoughts in the next blog.

Blessings,

Ray

Emotional Boundaries

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 17:23:56 GMT

Do you feel personally responsible for anyone else’s feelings? Do you expect anyone else to make you feel a certain way? Are you having trouble managing your emotions based upon someone else’s behavior? This blog will help you figure out if these issues may be the result of emotional boundary violations.

Even the most stoic person is continually experiencing an internal emotional life. In the same way each one of us has our own thoughts, we also have our own feelings. If you need more information about the difference between thoughts and feelings, that information is available in Chapter Five of my book, Identity Restoration .

Even though our thoughts and emotions are two separate things, we need to understand that they are still directly connected to each other. Our feelings are an extension of our thoughts and beliefs. This may be why they get so confused and intertwined. Having emotional boundaries means that we each have our own joy, shame, fear, peace, guilt, and feelings of freedom. Even though we express our emotions in many ways, they only exist in our own internal world. It can become problematic when different internal worlds collide.

We explored the issues with thinking other people’s thoughts in the Intellectual Boundaries blog.

Before we look at the different ways these boundaries can be infringed upon, let me affirm you—You have the right to feel however you want to feel. Your feelings are not wrong, and you are not wrong for feeling them.

As I was expressing that, I realize this is one of the ways our boundaries are violated. One of the ways our emotional boundaries are crossed is when we tell ourselves, or others, what we should or should not be feeling. There is not a predefined, correct set of emotions for each circumstance. Every person is processing trauma, loss, and circumstances their own way, through their own beliefs and experiences. None of us are going to be exactly the same.

I still remember the first time someone told me I was not wrong for feeling the way I felt. I think I was about 19 years old. That moment in time is still stamped into my memory because it was such a huge revelation for me. I had grown up in a home where there was no room for my emotions, and if I expressed any of them, they were used against me. I can remember constantly being told how I should or should not feel, as well as being told that I was wrong for feeling certain ways. It was a very destructive environment of mental and emotional abuse. Being told that my feelings were not wrong, and that I was not wrong for feeling a certain way, shifted something in me. Although I did not pursue emotional health until many years later, I am still grateful for that small gesture of grace.

This leads me into the next area of emotional boundary issues I want to talk about. Since I really wasn’t allowed to have emotions growing up, I did everything I could to deny and numb them. The interesting thing about denying our emotions is that it never works! We all have emotions and we will experience them no matter what we do. Denying our own emotions, or anyone else’s emotions, is a deeply destructive practice. It will lead to relational disconnection and pain. Denying our emotions keeps us from ever being able to confront them, process them, and get healing. I have found anger to be the most common mask for denying other emotions, but it leads to all sorts of unhealthy ways of trying to numb emotions instead of resolving them. In almost every situation where someone is attempting to deny their emotions, they end up being controlled by them instead. Denying our emotions never works and it will never help us resolve what we are emotional about.

One of the other ways we break emotional boundaries is by blaming others for our feelings. You will hear this in statements like, “You made me feel…” The problem is that this is not really possible. Our emotions are always an extension of our thoughts and beliefs. Maybe someone did something that inspired us to believe or think a certain way, and that caused us to feel a certain way, but only we have control over our emotions. The only way that someone else has control over our emotions is if we internally set the parameters for their words and behaviors to influence our thoughts and feelings. That would be an unhealthy intellectual and emotional system that we personally design. This is also how we end up letting external circumstances or situations have control over our emotions. This often leads us to blame and accuse other people or circumstances for the way we feel. This lack of personal responsibility can lead to destructive patterns in our lives.

Another way I commonly see emotional boundaries being broken is when people react out of what they think other people are feeling. It is so easy to assign certain behaviors or expressions as representing specific emotions. The problem is that this is not always true. People will express and share their emotions in many different ways. This type of misunderstanding can cause us to take responsibility for other people’s emotions and begin to try to manage their feelings with our own behavior. This type of manipulation will potentially open up a whole lot of problems in our relationships and will begin to allow our perception of other people’s emotions to control our lives.

One of the more destructive ways I see this type of emotional comingling destroy people’s lives is when they believe they are discerning other people’s feelings and trauma, but they are actually just experiencing their own feelings based of off their imagination of what they think about someone else’s trauma. Sadly, this can put someone in a loop of spiritual battle that isn’t theirs and that may not even really exist. This is one of the reasons it is so important to know our own identity and understand the difference between thoughts and emotions. It is extremely helpful to be present and capture our thoughts before they capture us and take us on an unpleasant emotional ride.

In all of these scenarios, what can eventually happen is that we allow our emotions to define reality instead of being able to be present and discern what is happening. Many let their emotions confirm their thoughts about something and then allow those thoughts and feelings to be their experiential reality instead of truly living their lives. This is not the kingdom of God.

The beautiful thing is that now that you have experienced healing, know yourself better, and can believe who you are, you can begin to establish healthy intellectual and emotional boundaries. You get to have your own thoughts and feelings, and everyone else gets to have theirs. You are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions, and no one else is responsible for yours.

Anywhere you were intertwined with other people’s feelings, you can now be free. Take the time to celebrate and allow yourself to mature in your newfound freedom. You have what it takes!

In the next blog we will look at how you can begin to establish new patterns and habits, and how you can grow in developing healthy intellectual and emotional boundaries.

Blessings,

Ray

Intellectual Boundaries

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Wed, 23 Sep 2020 03:06:38 GMT

What do you think of when I mention intellectual boundaries? Does that even make sense to you? There seems to be a lot of confusion around this topic. I get so many questions about this.

Each one of us have our own thoughts and our own feelings. These thoughts and feelings exist in our internal world. We can share, communicate, empathize, relate, and express them—but they are our own. They do not belong to anyone else, and no one else’s thoughts and feelings belong to us. This delineation is where it can get messy, blurred, painful, and confusing. In my opinion, the confusion around these boundaries is a big part of the reason why they are often violated.

Understanding the difference between thoughts and emotions is something many of my coaching clients need help processing. I am not going to go deeply into the difference between thoughts and feelings in this blog. In Chapter Five of my book, I dentity Restoration , I explain the difference between thoughts and feelings and how they affect our perspectives. That book will help you if you want to understand this better. In this blog will be looking at boundaries around thoughts and feelings and how they are commonly violated.

Let’s start with the idea of intellectual boundaries. What I mean by this is that we each have our own thoughts, intentions, motives, beliefs, and perspectives. All of these are unique to us. Each person independently has their own. These have all been influenced through culture, our generational family traditions, our relationships, our experiences, and any traumatic events. We may have similar beliefs and thoughts, but no one has experienced exactly the same life as someone else and believes and thinks the same as them. What we believe and think about God, ourselves, and others will individually define how we experience our lives.

When I am talking about boundaries in these areas, what I am saying is that we do not have direct access to what other people have been through, what they are experiencing, what they are thinking, what their intentions are, what their motives are, what their beliefs are, or how they perceive. Other than what people will share and communicate with us, we only have access to our own.

These boundaries are violated when we define or think other people’s thoughts for them. One of the most common issues my coaching clients need to process through is how they engage in thinking other people’s thoughts for them. As you are processing your healing experience, and maturing into yourself, you may be recovering from the damage of thinking other people’s thoughts. Becoming aware of our own thoughts and allowing other people to have their own thoughts separate from us, is a significant part of the maturing process.

Reacting to how we think other people are thinking is one of the ways the enemy has deceived us into destroying our own relationships and community. It will keep us from being able to be present, experience life, and have authentic relationships. Let’s look at a couple of the ways this can happen.

One of the common ways this happens is what my clients describe as “people pleasing.” Think about that for a minute. Is that something you would consider to be an issue for yourself? Often people will engage in this process and say they are “trying to make sure that people are happy.” In reality, I would consider this an intellectual boundary violation because what is really happening is that they are manipulating people and situations to try to get people to think a certain way about them. This is so much more of a problem than just intellectual boundary violations, because it puts you in a continual loop of trying to manage your perception of people’s thoughts about you with on-going performances and behaviors. Not one of my clients has ever found this to fulfill the real need they have in the situation. Instead, it continues to confirm the lie they are believing that is causing them to perform and manipulate. I often see this behavioral loop disguised as “serving others.”

One of the other ways I see this played out in people’s lives is that they will create and internal imaginary world they live in based on their perception of what other people think of them. Sadly, I have seen this so many times. Instead of being able to be present in the moment and experience real life, they are reacting out of this imaginary world they have created and only get to observe other people living. This is so isolating and destructive. The experiences that some have through their lives has influenced them to perceive people’s actions, behaviors, facial expressions, and words to mean certain things. So, instead of being able to communicate properly and respond in the moment, they react out of the intentions, motives, thoughts, and beliefs they have predefined and assigned to these different interactions.

This behavior can lead to a myriad of problems. Once we start having predefined absolutes of what certain behaviors, facial expressions, or actions mean, we no longer will operate in healthy communication. Instead of communicating and discerning what we are experiencing, we will react out of our predetermined set of beliefs and move into some sort of self-protection. This can shut down intimacy, empathy, compassion, grace, and understanding. This may also cause people to accuse others of certain thoughts and motives inappropriately. They may then use those accusations as justification for setting an arbitrary boundary. Accusations are not boundaries; they are just another way of self-protecting.

If you have been thinking other people’s thoughts, or others have been responding to you based upon their own perceptions of what you are thinking or feeling, know that freedom is available. It is healthy to take an honest look at any intellectual boundary violations in your life. Maturing into yourself means that you can now allow yourself to be present, experience life, and communicate in a healthy way. Remember, our team is available if you need help with this. You can do this!

Establishing Boundaries

Wed, 09 Sep 2020 03:55:04 GMT

When you think of establishing boundaries, what comes to mind? What kind of boundaries do you think you have or think you need, and what are the ones that have been violated the most in your life? I have found that one of the most common boundary violations in relationships may not be what you think.

To have healthy relationships there needs to be intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical boundaries. I hear emotional and physical boundaries talked about, with the most common being physical. I have not personally experienced intellectual boundaries being discussed often, even though I believe this is the most common boundary that is crossed in relationships.

Usually, but not every time, before I see a physical boundary crossed in a relationship there has been a consistent pattern of emotional and intellectual boundary violations. If we are going to develop healthy relationships after a healing encounter, we will need to focus on honoring intellectual and emotional boundaries for ourselves and those we are in relationship with. This will allow us to also have healthy spiritual and physical boundaries with people.

There are many reasons why you may not have healthy relational boundaries. It could have been cultural or generational patterns, thematic abuse, one-time traumatic events, or simply a lack of training. All of these can keep you from truly knowing yourself. If you do not know yourself, you cannot really know your needs. With this lack of knowledge, along with unhealthy relational patterns, boundaries are not something that are really understood or communicated well. This is something I am still in the process of learning and maturing in myself. In some areas of my life, I still have problems communicating boundaries in a healthy way.

Now that you have experienced a healing encounter and have begun to recalibrate, you are most likely becoming more aware, having less extreme emotional swings, are able to see the dysfunctional relational patterns in your life, and understand your choices better. This is the maturing process. As you mature and get to know yourself better, you will need to give yourself permission to establish new, healthy boundaries.

Identity is so important in this process because all healthy boundaries start from the truth of who you are. Without a solid foundation to establish them, boundaries will be difficult to implement and keep. Think about this analogy of boundaries being represented by a fence around your home. The fence itself will not be highly effective if there are not fence posts securing the fence line. The fence posts would represent the different aspects of your identity that you can securely connect to. If you are not secure in your identity, it would be like mounting your fence posts in mud or sand. These posts will float around or even fall over if pushed against because the ground is not solid. The posts need to be securely mounted so that the fence can stay up and weather any storms. Boundaries will also have a way in, just like a gate on a fence. You will be able to establish how that gate gets opened, and who can enter.

When it comes to boundaries in your previously dysfunctional relationships, there is no way for me to know whether you were the boundary breaker or the one who did not have secure boundaries. You may be used to having boundaries yourself, but not honoring the boundaries of others. You could have allowed others to walk all over you without any healthy boundaries for yourself. It also could have been a mixture of both. Regardless of how you previously experienced boundaries in relationships, it will be different now. The healing you experienced will allow you to better love yourself and love others. You will be able to honor your needs, and the needs of others, in a healthier way.

Letting yourself think your own thoughts, feel your own feelings, believe your own beliefs, and have the right to exist and show up in your relationships (and allowing others to do this as well) is a life giving and fulfilling experience. However, this may not always go well. Remember, you are trained in old, unhealthy tools and have not fully matured in your redeemed self yet. You will make mistakes, break boundaries, and engage in codependent patterns still.

People will challenge your new boundaries for several reasons. One is because they are just not used to it. Just like we looked at in the Functional Dysfunction blog, you have all these patterns that people are used to. Some relationships will need major overhauls, and some will need minor adjustments. This process can seem a little overwhelming and daunting if you overthink it. Let yourself be present, think your thoughts, feel your feelings, and process what you are experiencing in the moment. You do not have to fix everything right now. It will all work out. Just stay true to yourself, your God, and your needs.

The truth of who you are naturally honors other people’s boundaries and allows you to have your own. It is easier than you think to operate in healthy boundaries. As you become more comfortable with yourself, and your needs, you will easily learn how to communicate and navigate relationships. In the next blog, we will look at the different types of boundaries, how they are commonly broken, and how you can manage healthy relational boundaries.

You have everything you need to be able to do this. It may be uncomfortable at first, but believe me, the freedom, peace, and joy that is available in your relationships is worth the extra work now.

Blessings,

Ray

Letting yourself Grieve

Fri, 28 Aug 2020 07:33:00 GMT

Have you ever experienced a sense of loss once you are able see a situation or relationship clearly? Sometimes, after a healing encounter we may go through this type of grieving. This can be a very confusing process as you are trying to mature into yourself.

Part of the awareness that happens after we experience healing is that we will see a relationship or a situation for what it really is, not what we thought it was. Many of the dysfunctional patterns that we live in, we are not aware of. The lies that have been established and self-protections we are using cause us to perceive things that are not reality. The Functional Dysfunction style relationships that we have had, were normal for us. We were unable to recognize some of the behaviors and aspects of the relationship as unhealthy or wrong. The self-protections we have created help us cope with abuse and trauma instead of confronting them and being able to establish healthy boundaries. These self-protections can become so familiar they almost become like a trusted friend.

As we engaged in these relationships through the lenses of our lies and self-protections, we could have perceived unhealthy behavior and abuse as being helpful, kind, or even loving. In some circumstances, it is shocking when we see what was really happening. It can even be hard to understand or accept what we have now been made aware of. This can add a whole new dynamic to the maturity process. I have seen hundreds of my coaching clients have to deal with this revelation.

You may experience a feeling of loss once you realize that you didn’t have the relationship or situation you thought you had. Commonly, this need to grieve can be discouraging when it is confused with the misconception that there was no healing. It is important to remember that everyone’s process is not the same. Even in your own maturing process, each healing experience can be different. Sometimes you may need to grieve, and other times you may not. There is no set pattern for how the healing and maturity process will affect each person. You are free to experience whatever you are feeling in your personal process.

To help you maybe understand this a little better, here is an excerpt from Chapter Thirteen, Abstract Loss, from my book, Finding A New Normal :

Years ago, while working with some of my coaching clients, I noticed that after they received healing and freedom, they began to grieve. This was an interesting phenomenon that I did not understand at first. What I discovered is that people will see more clearly once they are set free from old, dysfunctional relational patterns. Once they can see the relationship for what it really is, they may need to grieve the loss of what they had perceived the relationship to be. This is an interesting set of circumstances that not everyone experiences, but many do. Having to let go of something you only “thought” you had, that you didn’t really have, can be confusing and painful. Sometimes additional coaching was needed to help them get through the different dynamics of the relational shift. When this type of healing occurs, grieving is an important part of their healing process.

This was not the only abstract pattern of loss I noticed with my clients. I also found that sometimes when people received healing from more intricate and sophisticated self-protections, there would also be a need for grieving. Our systems of self-protection can become so familiar and comfortable that there can be a sense of loss after healing. It is almost like they became a trusted friend we had been relying on. There can even be an experience of loneliness as we recalibrate to our new life without this self-protection. If you need or want more information about how we use self-protections, my book Identity Restoration explains this topic.

I realize it is an odd concept that someone may need to grieve after receiving freedom and healing, but this is a real experience for some. Even in a good situation, like healing, there can be a need to let yourself grieve something you’ve lost. Remember, your loss doesn’t have to be tangible in order to warrant the need for grieving.

I have found there can even be a need to grieve something that you only perceived you had. Our perceptions are our reality. When we lose something very meaningful to us, something we only perceived we had, it can be a real loss. Experiencing this significant reality shift can be very jarring to us emotionally and can initiate a need to recalibrate and adapt to a new normal. The grieving process allows us to adapt to this new normal.

The loss of what you thought you had, even though you did not really have it, is a real loss. There can be a deep sadness that sets in after you are aware that the life and the relationships you thought you had were not reality. It is important to let yourself grieve through this loss.

You get to be you! You are allowed to have your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs. It can seem a little overwhelming sometimes when you become more aware of your dysfunctional patterns, you still haven’t matured into yourself yet, you are experiencing emotional swings, and you are grieving. You can do this. It does get easier, and you can live in freedom, peace, and joy.

Blessings,

Ray

Pendulum Swing

Tue, 11 Aug 2020 22:58:33 GMT

Have you ever felt out of control and unable to stop an emotional or behavioral response? Sometimes that can be an unhealthy pattern from an unresolved trauma, and sometimes it can be the pendulum swing that happens after a healing encounter. In this blog we are going to look at the emotional and behavioral swings that can happen in the process of maturing into yourself.

As we have already looked at, there are many behaviors, habits, and dysfunctional relational patterns we may have because of past trauma in our lives. In my own life, and with many of my coaching clients, I have seen a significant change in reactions after experiencing healing. Some of the changes are a healthy response out of the truth of who we are. Some of them are an immature response out of lack of experience. We are now free, but we are not mature in that area of our heart. This immaturity and lack of experience can result in a contrasting response from the usual unhealthy reaction. Instead of reacting out of a wound, we may react out of immaturity. Often, these opposing reactions will happen at the same level of intensity as the old unhealthy pattern. This process can feel very unstable.

The instability that you may experience can be mistaken for a lack of healing. It can seem like you are behaving in the same type of unhealthy reaction you were before. This pendulum swing is not the same as the old unhealthy reactions. The lack of experience of being able to just be yourself and respond healthily can sometimes cause you to react in a way that does not seem appropriate for the situation.

Being free does not mean you are mature. It is particularly important to understand that there is a maturity process. There are several places in God’s Word where this is talked about. In Ephesians, the Scriptures tell us that He gave the apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers to equip the saints for the work of ministry. They help build up the body of Christ until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God. All of this is to bring us to maturity, being complete and perfect in the full measure of the stature of Christ. I am not sure about you, but I know my life does not always represent that! I personally have not met anyone who represents the full measure of maturity in Christ. We are all on this journey.

I believe that we are already whole in Christ, we just do not live holistically in Christ because of the lies we believe. Healing is just a manifested revelation of truth through spiritual discernment. The truth of who we are is already true. As we begin to believe the truth, we will experience the truth, and we will mature into our true identity in Christ. This is a process that we need to allow ourselves permission and grace to go through.

When we now experience the same triggering circumstances, we do not have the same automatic reactions. We do still have all the years of unhealthy training, relational issues, and dysfunction. We will need to learn how to be present, communicate our needs, establish new boundaries, and develop new healthy relational patterns. The pendulum swing during this process can look different for each one of us. Consider this example. Maybe someone had unhealthy codependent relationships in which they tried to please people and had trouble telling people no. After they experience healing in this area of their life and no longer have the unhealthy need to please people, they may have an extreme contrasting response of not wanting to do anything for people. Then they could potentially feel bad about that reaction and move back toward people pleasing again. After that they may get frustrated by the people pleasing and then react in a negative way toward people who want anything from them. This back and forth process will often happen as they try to figure out their real needs in the situation and learn how to establish a healthy boundary.

If you picture a pendulum for a moment and think about the previous example, it may make more sense to you. When you know and believe the truth of who you are, there can be an established balanced central point from where you live your life. This would represent a pendulum that is not being pulled to one side or the other. But, if instead of being balanced, you have been stuck in an area of your life being pulled in one direction and now have been released, the weight of that off-balanced aspect of your life will naturally swing back and forth until you find your healthy center. This can be an incredibly challenging experience as you are more aware of the dysfunctional patterns in your life and now have the personal responsibility of having choices.

It my take longer than you want, and it may be more work than you thought, but you can do this! You get to be you. You get to have needs, opinions, boundaries, and healthy relationships. Hold on, the swings become less, and you get to have a balanced life. It is worth the extra effort now, as you will eventually enjoy the peace, joy, and freedom of who you are in Christ.

Blessings,

Ray

Functional Dysfunction

Fri, 31 Jul 2020 00:37:32 GMT

Have you ever noticed that the patterns in some of your relationships are no longer working for you? Are you becoming aware of your habits and behaviors that no longer seem to be acceptable? This type of revelation and understanding is part of the maturing process after a healing encounter.

Making the choice to pursue healing and to be free is no small task. It is courageous to choose to do the emotional work of discovering the lies, pain, habits, patterns, self-protections, and structures you have developed over the years because of unresolved trauma. Your honesty with yourself and with God in admitting you are not living in the fullness of His truth, is a sign of strength and character. You are courageous and strong.

Your journey may be discounted, criticized, or challenged by others. This is a common occurrence in an environment where people are trained to deny what is happening internally and to perform to the cultural expectations. Honesty, vulnerability, and the admission of any unbelief in our life is challenging in some social circles. Unfortunately, you may even experience this in your church. Don’t let that worry you, because you can do this!

Part of your journey of maturing into yourself will be the awareness of the dysfunctional relational patterns you have developed in your life. Unfortunately, we have all connected with and stayed in certain relationships and social groups due to the unhealthy systems we have in place. One of the reasons we will get into unhealthy relationships is because that type of interaction was already normal for us. The details of the relationship may be different, but the underlying patterns are the same. Sometimes, this can be a difficult and painful revelation.

There are both healthy and unhealthy reasons we will engage in relationships. I describe this as “Functional Dysfunction.” What I mean by this phenomenon is that we will be attracted to people for good healthy reasons, and also for reasons that are not so good. The social patterns we experienced in our childhood influence our relational choices and our acceptance of certain patterns that are not beneficial.

Everywhere that you were believing a lie and self-protecting in fear, shame, or guilt, there is a real need. Just because you were trying to get your needs met in an unhealthy way, doesn’t mean there wasn’t a real need that needs to be met. Whatever unhealthy way you were getting your needs met, before the healing encounter, is part of the dysfunctional pattern you will now be able to notice. You still have the same real relational needs, you will just no longer automatically try to fulfill those needs in an unhealthy way. You will now begin to notice when someone tries to engage with you and fulfill those needs in the old unhealthy pattern. This can be a very uncomfortable process.

Let me describe it in a practical way that may be easier to understand. I am going to use milk for the analogy. I am personally not even a milk drinker. I have never really enjoyed it, even when I was younger. Whatever your opinion is about milk, please just let this be an example to help you understand what I am talking about. Imagine if you grew up drinking sour milk your whole life thinking that it was fresh, healthy milk. You became familiar with the flavor and made it a part of your regular diet. As you grew up you established relationships with people who would provide you with sour milk. Each one of these relationships could vary in how much sour milk you received from them, and what you gave them in return. You may even get to a place where there is an addiction to the milk, and you establish patterns and structures in your life to make sure you get it. You now have a regular delivery plan to be able to get your milk. Then, suddenly you experience a revelation of fresh, healthy milk. Your need and desire for the sour milk is no longer there like it was, and you now know the difference between sour and fresh milk. Now that you can discern and see the difference, it is going to disrupt some of your relationships. You will now be aware of the patterns you have established, and the people you have been getting sour milk from. Those people are still going to deliver you the sour milk and expect to get something in return. In the past, you didn’t really have a choice. You would habitually receive the sour milk and then automatically react in some preprogrammed manner. Now you have a choice. You do not need to receive the sour milk, and you do not automatically react. This would be the space, or pause, that I mentioned in the Awareness blog.

Remember, even though you now know your real need and desire for healthy milk, you still have all these patterns and dysfunctional relationships in place. This is where you will need to mature into yourself. Being able to analyze your relationships, communicate, establish boundaries, and develop new healthy patterns can be challenging. This takes an intentionality to stay present, choose reality, and connect with God. We will look at that process in a future blog. For now, just know that just like the milk analogy, you will no longer have the unhealthy need. You will have to go through the process of evaluating and restructuring relationships. Depending on the level of dysfunctional patterns in the relationships, you may even lose some of them.

It can feel overwhelming as you become aware of the dysfunctional patterns and the unhealthy ways you have been trying to protect yourself and take care of your needs. You can see it now, you are still experiencing the relationship you previously established, and you don’t always know what to do. It is OK, you can do this. You will now be able to express the truth of who you are, and you will naturally grow into yourself. This can seem like a lot of work, but it is better than the old unhealthy patterns. Freedom is always better.

We will look at this process more as we go through this blog series.

Blessings,

Ray Leight

Old Tools

Fri, 17 Jul 2020 01:42:45 GMT

Have you noticed that you are no longer reacting to situations in a way you used to automatically react? Are you more aware of yourself, your thoughts, your emotions, and the choices that are available to you?

One of the aspects of your new awareness will be the choices you have in a situation. With these choices comes a new responsibility. You can choose to stay present mentally and emotionally, communicate in a healthy way, and respond to the present situation, or you can react in your old self-protection of fear, shame, or guilt. These new options of awareness and responsibility are what can sometimes be frustrating as you are trying to learn new habits and mature into yourself.

Part of the process of healing is being more aware of the old patterns and habits you have established over the years of self-protecting. Those habits and patterns are still around. They do not magically disappear after a healing encounter. As you become more aware of these, you may think this is a problem. It may even trick you into thinking that you didn’t have any healing at all. This is the opposite of the truth. The awareness and the ability to choose are the evidence of healing. You will continue to mature into yourself as you stay present and learn how to make good choices.

Many of my Identity Coaching clients will discount this new awareness because of the frustration that can accompany it. Don’t discount this. This new awareness is a huge breakthrough! In the past you had no choice. You would automatically react in some form and maybe not even be aware of what was really happening. This new ability to be present in the situation, be aware that something isn’t quite right, and to discern an appropriate response is a dramatic improvement. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, this process can be very messy. There is no need to be discouraged by this mess. It is part of the process of developing new healthy habits and patterns.

Even though the area of your heart that was previously programmed to react in fear, shame, or guilt is redeemed, it doesn’t mean you are now familiar with being free. You do not have the years of experience of being free, having peace, and being joyful in this area of your life. This is a new experience and you will need to develop new habits. Freedom is always better; it just isn’t always easy in the beginning.

One of the ways I describe these old habits and patterns of self-protection is to label them “old tools.” You have years of training and experience using these old tools. Now, you have been upgraded and retooled. You just have no experience using these new tools. If you remember from my previous blog, Awareness , you not only have new tools to learn, you are emotionally immature in this area of your life. Think about it in terms of a job you may have. You have been trained and have experience using certain tools and programs. You could have even been using these same tools from the very beginning of your career. Now you have new tools and new programs you need to learn, while you still have to get your job done. During this learning experience you also become more sensitive to your surrounding environment, and do not have the emotional maturity that may be needed in the moment. This can be a remarkably interesting time where you make mistakes and have to clean up messes.

Even though you may feel out of control, you are not. You were created and designed to handle this. God equipped you with everything you need to do what He has called you to do. Even though you have not been expressing the true nature of your identity, because of the lies you believed and the self-protections you were manifesting, you are now able to. You will begin to naturally be able to express your true nature of freedom, peace, and joy. You will also be able to use these new tools that God created for you for and has redeemed.

This process of maturity will require you to intentionally stay present with yourself, and your situation—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Let yourself be aware, able to breathe, able to think, and able to make good choices. The more you practice this new lifestyle of freedom, peace, and joy, the better you will get at it.

The familiarity of these old tools will fade away. Eventually you may not even remember them. Unfortunately, during the maturity process, you will remember them. There will be times when you will be tempted to believe lies and self-protect. You will most likely still pick up these old tools and use them occasionally. Now it will be different though. It won’t feel as natural, and you will become aware that you are using them in ways you were not aware of in the past. Each time you do try to use them you will be able to catch yourself, and you will catch it sooner and sooner. Have patience for yourself. Please remember, this is a common occurrence in the maturity process. There is no reason to get discouraged or think you didn’t experience healing if this happens. This awareness is a significant breakthrough!

As you mature, you will begin to trust God and trust yourself in this area of your life. Trusting God, who created and healed you, and trusting yourself, is the evidence of healing. This trust will manifest itself in freedom, peace, and joy. You have what it takes, and you can do this.

Blessings,

Ray

Awareness

Wed, 01 Jul 2020 07:00:23 GMT

Have you ever been in a situation where you do not know how to respond? Had that uncomfortable feeling of not being fully on top of things or understanding what the best choice is? This can be part of the learning and maturity process after you have experienced inner healing.

After a healing encounter, as you are experiencing what I call the recalibration process, you will also become more aware of what is happening around you and in you. This new awareness can be an interesting experience with challenges and opportunities of its own.

You will still have the same opportunities to trigger into a lie and self-protect. The circumstances of your life do not immediately change just because you are more free. The way you perceive these circumstances and the way you can respond in them will immediately change. This is part of the awareness. You will become aware that you do not immediately react the way you used to in the circumstances that would have triggered you into one of your self-protections.

In a previous blog, we looked at how these self-generated systems of self-protection can be described. You may call them defense mechanisms, coping mechanisms, strongholds, ego, automatic reactions, or something entirely different. I describe all these as “systems of self-protection.” When I am talking about these systems, I am talking about how we automatically react in fear, shame, or guilt based on a lie we believe, that was established in a previous situation, instead of being present and responding to what is happening in the moment.

You will become aware of the space, or the pause, that is happening in a situation where you now have a choice in how you want to respond or react. This will be a new feeling in this area of your heart. You are not used to having space, or the ability to choose. You are familiar with automatically reacting in your protective system.

One of the challenges of this new awareness is that you do not have the maturity to know how to handle the situation. You now get to be your true self in the situation and choose how to respond, you just do not have the years of experience of being yourself and choosing healthy responses. You will need to mature in this area of your heart.

I have found that everywhere we believe a lie, compartmentalize, and self-protect, we stop emotionally maturing in that area of our heart. We may have become really good at protecting ourselves because of a lie, but do not confuse that with maturity. At whatever emotional age we started protecting is where we will need to mature from once we are healed. As adults, I realize immaturity is not something we really want to admit. Maturity is a process of emotional growth and personal responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings. Time or intelligence are not the defining factors that influence maturity. Maturity is not based on your intellect or your age. The lack of experience you have of being personally responsible for your own thoughts and emotions in this area of your life, is the immaturity. Be OK with it and allow yourself to mature. All of us are dealing with this at some level.

The good thing is, there are areas of your heart where you already believe the truth of who you are, and you are very mature in those areas. You can lean into this maturity, connect with God in the situation, and further mature into yourself. One of the tools I share with my Identity Coaching clients is the Three Steps to Life. These steps will help you be able to stay present, choose reality, connect with God, and be able to respond in a healthy way. I will explain these three steps in a later blog. If you want more information about those now, it is fully explained in Chapter Five of my book, Identity Restoration . You can also learn all about protective systems in that healing resource.

For now, just know you will be more aware, but not always able to respond in a mature way. You will make mistakes. It is OK. Do not expect yourself to handle everything perfectly because you now have experienced freedom. I still remember hearing stories early on in my mentoring and coaching ministry about people stirring up things after experiencing healing in a session with me. At that time, I did not know how to effectively communicate and help people through the maturing process. I was maturing and learning myself. Some of the people that I worked with were using words like “freedom” and “healing” while acting very immature in their communities. This even caused some issues with local pastors. I have also seen this cause people to question the whole concept of inner healing.

But the truth is, maturing into yourself can be a very messy process. It is not a simple, easy, everything falls in line type of experience. You will have new emotions you need to process, new choices, new opportunities, and new challenges. You will need to learn how to appropriately express your needs. You will need to practice. One of the most common emotions people experience in this new awareness is frustration and anger. Now you are able to see what is actually happening, but you do not know what to do about it. This can be very frustrating. Do not confuse this with lack of healing. This experience is common in the maturing process.

We will look at several other choices you have, with your new awareness, in future blogs. You can do this. It does get easier. If you allow yourself to stay present in your new awareness and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, you will mature into yourself. It is worth it. One day you will look back and be amazed at the change.

Blessings and Peace,

Ray

The Recalibration Process

Tue, 16 Jun 2020 14:39:15 GMT

There are many ways you can experience emotional and mental healing. You could have been reading the Scriptures, talking with a friend, had someone pray for you, experienced a vision, had a dream, listened to a teaching, read a book, had a SOZO session, gone to a counselor, had an Identity Coaching session, or prayed and asked God for healing. Regardless of the method, the source is always the same. Healing is a manifested revelation of truth, by faith, through spiritual discernment.

The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. – 1 Corinthians 2:14

Healing is not an intellectual process. It is a spiritual process. The conviction and revelation of truth by the power of the Holy Spirit is what sets us free. Now that you have repented and believe the truth, you will experience the freedom that comes from truth. Remember, the truth of who you are was already true. We do not create truth by believing it. In these areas where you were previously experiencing fear, shame, or guilt, you were not believing the truth. You were believing lies. You were familiar with living life in the false normal you believed, and now you will experience life differently.

However the Holy Spirit revealed truth to you, and you experienced healing, you will now have to become familiar with this new reality and mature into yourself. Usually, the first experience of this progression is the recalibration process. One or more of the compartmentalized areas of your heart where you believed a lie and were self-protecting has been redeemed. You now believe the truth, and your heart has been restored. You are experiencing freedom, peace, or joy in an area of your heart where you were experiencing fear, shame, or guilt. This will most likely feel weird.

Typically, this transition to freedom comes with a sense of disorientation, awkwardness, or weirdness. It is common for you to feel weird after you have experienced healing and freedom. The weird feeling is not the freedom. The weirdness is the lack of familiarity to the freedom. This new feeling of freedom, peace, and joy is your new reality, it is just not familiar. You will eventually get used to this.

Many of the people I have worked with would describe this weirdness as feeling like they just got off a boat, or just got done skating. There is this odd feeling as you get used to walking on stable ground. The recalibration process is like this boat and skating example, it is just more of an emotional and mental experience. Eventually, you will get used to the new reality, and freedom, peace, and joy will be normal in the areas of your heart that experienced healing. The weirdness will subside.

There is not something wrong if you are feeling weird. The intensity of this feeling and the length of time you will experience it varies. It can even vary each time you experience healing. Sometimes it may last for weeks, sometimes hours or days. Just let yourself take the time you need to become familiar with your newfound freedom.

Your mind and your heart are in the process of recalibrating to this new reality. It is new, it is different. It can be exciting and fun. There is a natural feeling of relief that you will experience along with this mental and emotional shift. The stress and pressure, from the lies, are not there anymore. Take your time, be present in this feeling and enjoy it while it is happening.

As you are enjoying the recalibration process, remember that the weirdness is not the freedom. It is the lack of familiarity to the freedom. As you begin to become familiar with your new reality the enemy will try to steal it from you. One of the common ways I have seen the enemy try to steal your newfound freedom is to tell you, “When the weird feeling goes away, the freedom goes away.” That is not true. Your freedom is real, and you do not lose it just because it becomes familiar. You get to keep your freedom and live in it.

There are other nuances to the maturing into yourself process that we will explore in the rest of this series. For now, celebrate whatever breakthrough you have experienced. Even if it was just a small step forward, celebrate your forward momentum! It may also be beneficial for you to work through my Who Do You Think You Are? Devotional as you walk out your freedom. It will help retrain your thinking, so that you can know, believe, and live the truth of who you are.

You can do this!

Blessings and Freedom,

Ray

MATURING INTO YOURSELF

Tue, 02 Jun 2020 03:28:16 GMT

Do you know yourself? Do you know your true self—your holy, pure, righteous, sanctified, creative, Christ-like self?

Do you know how loved you are, how valuable you are, and how truly wonderful you are?

God loves you and created you in His image. He sacrificed Himself for you. He redeemed you with His own blood, so that you could be reconciled to Him. You are the joy that was set before Him, and the reason He endured the cross. This is who you are.

Do you ever wonder why there are times when your behavior, your attitude, and your relationships don’t express that holy, pure, righteous, Christ-like identity?

If this is the case for you, don’t be surprised. At some level, everyone is dealing with this issue. It may be because you believe something other than what you know. I have found that everyone lives from what they believe, not what they know. That is why we have attitudes, actions, and behaviors that do not line up with the truth that we “know.” In this blog, we are going to begin a series called Maturing into Yourself. This series will help you understand this issue so that you can walk out the truth of your identity in Christ.

Healing is just a manifestation of truth. The truth is already true. If we are not experiencing the truth of who we are, it is because we do not believe that truth. Even though we have come to faith and have been born again as a new creation in Christ, we still hold on to some old lies and beliefs that we have learned through our lives. These lies were established through many different methods of the enemy. We are all living in the false normal of the fallen world system. In this fallen world system, we will also have different cultural and generational lies that get passed down to us. Each one of us were born into a cultural and generational false normal. Regardless of how “Christian” our family was growing up, we grew up in a false normal that is not the kingdom of God. One of the problems with this is, we usually do not have any understanding that something is wrong. It is just the way we experience, process, and see life. Sometimes, we do not even know that we are not living in truth.

As we are growing up with these cultural and generational influences, we also experience traumatic events throughout our lives that cause us to believe lies. From the effects of these cultural, generational, and traumatic experiences, we then develop perspectives that cause us to see themes and patterns of lies that get affirmed in our beliefs. These belief systems are the root of the unhealthy self-protections of fear, shame, and guilt that we develop. I am not going to fully explain that process in this blog. You can find the full explanation of this in my book, Identity Restoration.

These self-generated systems of self-protection can be described in many ways. Some of the names for them are defense mechanisms, coping mechanisms, strongholds, ego, or simply calling them reactions. I describe all of this as “systems of self-protections.” All of us are experiencing life this way. We react from a lie we believe, that was established in a previous situation, instead of being present and responding to what is happening in the moment.

Even though the truth of who we are is already true, we sometimes live out of lies we believe due to past trauma. Remember, healing is just a manifestation of truth. To be more specific about the process of healing, I would describe it this way. Healing is a manifested revelation of truth, by faith, through spiritual discernment. When we believe the truth, we will live in that truth. We do not abide by knowledge; we abide by faith. In my opinion, it is impossible to mature into yourself without believing the truth of who you are.

We are whole in Christ, though we do not live holistically in Christ. Somehow, beyond my ability to understand or explain, we compartmentalize. From this compartmentalization we react to these different belief systems instead of always being consistent. We react to different people, and different situations, differently, in fear, shame, and guilt. This is not kingdom truth.

What we are going to explore in this blog series are the different aspects of the maturing process. This process occurs when we have experienced revelation through spiritual discernment and now believe the truth of who we are. This blog series is not going to walk you through the necessary process of repenting and believing, so please refer to that process in my book, Identity Restoration . This blog will be looking at what happens after we have repented from the compartmentalized lies we were believing, and now believe the truth. The first in the series will be the Recalibration Process. I hope this helps you walk out the truth of who you are.

If you have any questions, or if you’d like to request topics to be covered in future blogs, please reach out to us via www.faithbygrace.org . We’d love to know how we can help you.

Why Forgiveness Doesn't Work

Wed, 29 Jan 2020 17:12:01 GMT

Yeah, I know forgiveness works. What I am talking about is why that thing we do that we call forgiveness, doesn’t work. I have run into this over and over again with my clients through the years. A client would tell me they had already forgiven someone, but they would still be angry, resentful, hurt, and triggered anytime they thought about that person. You may even have someone in your own life that you respond to in this way.

When I first started experiencing this with my clients it made me wonder why forgiveness seemed to not work. My client would manifest anger, rage, and even hatred for someone and then tell me that they have already forgiven them. It reminds me of the famous quote from Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride when Vizzini kept using the word inconceivable. Inigo tells Vizzini, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

We are usually aware of when we are refusing to forgive and are choosing to hold onto an offense. We are not going to look at that in this blog. What I want to help with in this blog is when you think you have forgiven, and yet you still get triggered and have an unhealthy reaction to someone.

Before we look at the reasons why forgiveness isn’t working, I would like to point out that this could be a boundaries issue. You could potentially be in an unhealthy pattern where you allow certain behaviors without setting appropriate relational or physical boundaries. This could cause a new issue that needs forgiveness each time you interact with someone. Maybe we can look at the boundaries issue in a future blog.

There are multiple verses and words in the Bible used to teach us about forgiveness. I do an extensive explanation of forgiveness in my book, Identity Restoration . In Chapter Seven of that resource I break out the Scriptures that teach us about forgiveness and explore the Greek words to discover the fuller meaning of each verse. I will do a summary of that here. The expanded meaning of all the words used for forgiveness are:

Deliver

Freedom

Freely give

Grant

Gratuitously

In kindness

Lay aside

Leave

Let alone

Forgive

Let be

Let depart

Let die

Let go

Loose

Omit

Pardon

Release

Forgiveness

Relieve

Remission

Remit

Send away

Set at liberty

To free fully

To send forth

Yield up

I share these with you just to let you have an expanded understanding of the concept of forgiveness. If we wrap all these words up to a simple definition of forgiveness, we can say that forgiving is releasing and letting go. Forgiveness is not an ongoing process that we need to continually work on. It is a one-time event. Think about this for a moment. Picture yourself holding a rock in your hand. Now picture yourself opening your hand and letting it drop from your grip. Letting go and no longer having the rock in your hand is the evidence you have forgiven. It is released and you are no longer holding on to it. If you are still holding on to it, you have not forgiven.

One of the issues with forgiveness is that we don’t always know what it is we are holding on to. Sometimes it is a process to figure out exactly what we are holding, but the release is a choice and it either happens or it doesn’t. Once you have forgiven, you no longer need to forgive again and again.

Now, I want to help you with why you may still be getting triggered and stuck in this perpetual cycle of forgiveness. One of the potential reasons could be that well-meaning people, who are trying to forgive, unintentionally engage in a practice of self-righteous judgmentalism instead of forgiveness.

This is a different problem than simply not being able or willing to forgive. When dealing with the problem of self-righteous judgmentalism, you may think you have forgiven, but it seems like it didn’t work. Hopefully, this blog will help you to be able to truly forgive and be free in areas where you are still stuck and hurting.

Let’s look at a few specific Scriptures that have really helped form my understanding of forgiveness and have helped many people receive freedom.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. –Ephesians 4:32

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. – Colossians 3:12-13

These two Scriptures seem to express that we forgive “as” the Lord forgave us. The redemption and forgiveness we have is through the blood of Jesus, that was poured out on the cross, according to the riches of His grace. Jesus being crucified is how we were forgiven. We forgive in the same way, by the blood of Jesus Christ.

Now, let’s look at the difference between forgiveness and self-righteous judgmentalism.

One of the reasons why forgiveness doesn’t always work is because people often try to understand why someone hurt them, so they can build up compassion and forgive. I have even heard this type of advice given to people who are hurting.

Forgiveness does not require us to understand what has happened to those who have hurt us so we can try to stir up compassion. We don’t need to know how they were hurt, or why they did what they did. Understanding is not part of the forgiveness process. Trying to use understanding to stir up compassion, so we can forgive, is part of the reason it seems like forgiveness doesn’t always work.

I have observed this process of trying to understand lead to thinking similar to: “They did the best they could” or “They had a really rough life.” These are just two examples. There are many variations of this theme. In these examples, there is a sense of trying to understand and have compassion for the person who may have hurt us, so we can forgive them. We believe that having compassion and understanding will make it easier to forgive. Yes, I know that sounds good, but let’s explore what that really is.

If you look at what that process really is, you will see what is happening is not forgiveness at all. We can call it whatever we want but trying to analyze the life of someone who hurt you, so you can stir up compassion in order to forgive them, isn’t compassion. It doesn’t work because that is just us looking at what happened to them and then judging whether it was bad enough, according to our self-defined standards, to give them the right to be forgiven. That is us deciding whether they deserve to be forgiven or not and determining whether their pain and suffering was bad enough to warrant forgiveness. That is not compassion or forgiveness; that is self-righteous judgmentalism. This is one of the possible reasons why, even though you think you may have forgiven someone one hundred times, you still get triggered and have an unhealthy reaction every time you see them. It may be because you have not forgiven them, you have just self-righteously judged them one hundred times. That may be why forgiveness “hasn’t worked.”

Another aspect I hear is something like: “I’ve done the same thing; how can I hold that against them?” This may sound good as well. Yet this is just us basing forgiveness off our own behavior instead of the blood of Jesus Christ. Think about that for a minute. How ridiculous is that? Again, this is self-righteous judgmentalism and not forgiveness.

One of the additional problems with both examples is that they require some sort of intellectual filing system to manage all this information. Somehow we have to keep track of all of our behaviors, other people’s behaviors, and those self-defined standards of forgiveness. That is a lot of work, and it does not bring freedom and healing. The completeness of the blood of Jesus brings freedom and healing.

We forgive by the blood of Christ, because we have been forgiven by the blood of Christ.

If you need help with forgiveness, I would recommend my book, Identity Restoration . In that resource I show you how to stay present in your thoughts and emotions, connect with God, and release any unforgiveness you have. You will be able to resolve the issue we looked at in this blog, as well as any issues that are keeping you from being willing to forgive. You can also sign up for my ‘Secrets to Living a Lifestyle of Freedom, Peace, and Joy’ email course here . It’s free!

Blessings,

Ray

Your New Normal

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Mon, 02 Sep 2019 18:55:10 GMT

Your new normal. It is not what you hoped for. It is not what you wanted it to be. It is what you have. You have made it through the shock, the fog, the emotional roller coaster ride, and all the different trials of a traumatic loss. Now you get to move forward and live your life.

This has been a long and painful journey of what seemed like many victories and many failures. There is no celebration at the end of this journey. In part, because the journey does not end. You will be in a continual transition of loss, grief, adjustment, acceptance, restoration, and life. You may never “get over” your loss, but you are getting through it.

The loss you experienced can be an inspiration for growth and strength, or limitation and weakness. The loss itself will now be a part of your story. This is another key point of choice in your life. We have looked at the many different choices and options through your grieving journey. You have made some good choices, and most likely some bad. Each choice has brought you to where you are now in your grieving process.

Getting to this point in your journey is a major accomplishment. It has been difficult work to intentionally stay present in your thoughts and emotions, process your loss, and let yourself grieve. Your willingness to be vulnerable with yourself, God, and those you trust has allowed you to get this far. Congratulations, this is a very courageous achievement.

Whether it feels like it or not, you are wiser, stronger, more equipped, and more in touch with yourself because you persevered through your grief. Even though I do not believe that your loss was God’s will, or His plan for you, I do believe He will use it for your benefit. I have seen God’s redemption repeatedly in my client’s lives. The wisdom you have acquired through this process has equipped you to handle other trials and trauma in your life.

Being equipped to process grief is not the same as being prepared for loss. Processing through our loss does not prepare us for future trauma. We are never really prepared for loss. No matter how many times we go through the grieving process, it will be challenging and painful. The courageous work of intentionally facing our emotions and our thoughts in the midst of our pain and loss, will equip us with the tools we need to be able to help ourselves, and others who are grieving.

It’s OK if you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything. You may still feel beat up, tired, sad, and alone. It is OK; you are not the only one. The emotional roller-coaster ride continues. It just isn’t as extreme and scary as it was in the beginning. As you bounced around through the grieving process, it was more like you were processing one thing at a time. Piece by piece you worked through your loss. Now you can see it more holistically.

Once we are out of the trauma bubble, moving forward with our lives, we see the holistic nature of our loss, and this comes with its own challenges. One of these challenges is when we look back over our grieving process and start questioning and judging how we handled it. This is similar to what we looked at in the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda blog. The difference is, now we are reviewing what could have been different after the loss, rather than what could have been different before. Unfortunately, this is a common response I have seen with my clients. Reflecting on our grieving process and judging ourselves will not help us move forward.

You did the best you could, in the situation you were in. This is not the time to be hard on yourself about choices you made, or how you handled your grief. You are where you are, and there is no need to question and judge yourself. Just getting through the shock and trauma of a loss is a significant accomplishment. So much of the grieving process affects our ability to think clearly and make decisive choices. As much as you can, let yourself be reassured that you did the best you could, and that is enough.

You have done well and have survived your experience so far. This has been a tough journey, and though it seems to have somewhat settled, the journey continues. As you move forward and live your life in this new normal, you will look back with fondness, excitement, love, anger, sadness, and heartbreak. The different emotions and thoughts that are triggered will still need to be confronted and processed. As we discussed earlier, the intensity of the wheel of emotions will be less, but you may still get triggered. You will miss who or what you lost, and you will still grieve your loss.

Just as you were able to accept your loss, now you get to accept your life. The same perseverance that allowed you to work through the grieving process can now help you thrive in your new normal. There will be new challenges and opportunities for growth and healing. You can do this. You have what it takes to be able to thrive.

In one of the lowest moments of my life, I asked God, “Why do I have to keep living?” He simply replied to me, “Because you are not dead.” Most of the conversations I have with the Lord consist of very straight-forward, direct answers like this. I get some of the deepest revelations from some of the simplest answers from the Lord. This led me to two different Scriptures.

I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the Lord. – Psalm 118:17

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life. – Deuteronomy 30:19

These two Scriptures were an inspiration for me to choose life, to live, and to thrive. It was not always an easy choice to choose blessing and recount the deeds of the Lord. Sometimes I just wanted to wallow in my self-pity and look at all the things that have gone wrong in my life. In my upbringing, I was trained to look at what was wrong and complain about it. It has taken a lot of perseverance and intentionality to retrain my thinking. For so much of my life, I allowed the bad things to define me and misalign my focus. This wrong focus affected how I saw everything and created a narrative of sadness, depression, and loneliness. Being intentional about choosing life has allowed me to become more familiar with joy, gladness, and loving connection with others.

Regardless of what the enemy has stolen from you, he cannot steal the freedom, peace, and joy that is the natural aspect of your identity in Christ. Your loss does not define you; your God does. You are equipped with everything you need to live your life, pursue your dreams, and be free. May God bless you as you continue your journey and live your life.

Blessings,

Ray

Bad Advice

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 20:22:53 GMT

We have looked at some of the aspects of the grieving process that are happening internally. In this blog we are going to look at part of the grieving process that may be happening externally.

One of the unfortunate aspects of the grieving process that you must get through is the bad advice, unhelpful encouragement, and misdirected comfort you will receive. This will require a grace and patience that may sometimes be difficult for you, due to being in the aftermath of a traumatic loss.

While going through this, it is helpful to remember that none of us understand loss or really know how to respond properly in the moment. I have been studying grief for a while now, and I am always uncomfortable and unsure how to respond to someone who has just experienced loss. This is difficult for everyone. I believe everybody around us is doing the best they can in this awkward, confusing time. I also think it is helpful to realize that, for the most part, people have good intentions while they are giving you bad advice, unhelpful encouragement, or misdirected comfort.

People want to help. The empathy and compassion they have for you will be activated, and they will try to help you in some way. Even though there will be plenty of good advice, helpful encouragement, and soothing comfort, some will not know how to help, and they will offer all types of unwanted attempts at helping. It is very important to have people around you that you can trust and be vulnerable with. If you do not have that type of community available, I recommend finding a therapist or grief group.

Let’s look at these three different experiences separately.

BAD ADVICE

You will have plenty of unrequested advice coming your way after a loss. Some of it will be very helpful, and some of it will not.

For some reason, it seems we have a natural draw to help fix things. Some of us find it difficult to just listen and have compassion. Some will move into “fix it” mode. After we have experienced a loss, some of the people in our lives may try to fix it. There can be many different motives for this. It could be because of their love for us, their tendency toward codependency, their simple need to fix things, their own unresolved grief, or the awkwardness of not knowing what to do or how to relate to us after a loss. People won’t always know how to respond, but they sometimes feel like they must. Most people are simply trying to find a way to ease your pain.

The advice we receive will usually be about what we should or shouldn’t do. Sometimes this can be tough to discern, because like I said, some advice will be good, and some will be bad. This can be difficult to sort through, especially considering that we may be in a potentially fluctuating mental and emotional state. We may be unable to think clearly because of the fog or feel like we are spinning out of control because of the wheel of emotions.

Considering you are reading my blog; I will assume it is OK to give you my advice. I recommend delaying any major decisions that do not need to be made right away. Have trusted, wise counsel around you who can help with the decisions that have to be made. You may be tempted to isolate yourself. As much as you can, let others help you. As you come out of the fog and begin to live life outside of the trauma bubble, you can review those decisions that you didn’t need to make right away.

During this time of grief, you are still who you are in Christ. You still have the mind of Christ and have access to the Spirit of wisdom and revelation (Ephesians 1:17). As we process through the grief and continue to reconnect with who we are, we will have greater access to this wisdom and revelation. This is an interesting time of believing in yourself, still trusting yourself, and allowing yourself to submit to healthy guidance and advice.

UNHELPFUL ENCOURAGEMENT

One of the most common unhelpful things I experienced after the loss of my home was when people would try to encourage me out of my grief to make me feel better. This was never something that was enjoyable for me. It always made it more uncomfortable and awkward in the moment. It was difficult to figure out how to respond in the conversation because it was so disconnected from the reality I was experiencing.

You can expect this to happen to you. People will try to encourage you to “look on the bright side,” or “be grateful because at least it wasn’t worse,” or you should “be thankful because of “________.” Some will try to encourage you out of your grief, because of their own discomfort with loss, and their inability to be present in the moment with you. Loss and grief are awkward, and people don’t know what to do with them. Because of this, they will try to encourage someone out of the grief and into some type of happiness. The problem with this kind of unhelpful encouragement is that it can make someone who is grieving feel like they are doing something wrong because they can’t just be grateful and happy. Remember from the Comparison Won’t Resolve Your Pain blog, there is not something wrong with you because you are sad about your loss. You are not ungrateful because you can’t just be joyful in the middle of your grief.

The Scripture does not say, “Encourage those who weep or mourn.” It does not say, “Rejoice with those who weep or mourn.” It says to weep with those who weep; mourn with those who mourn. Not everyone will be in an emotionally healthy place where they can do this with you. Please know, there is not something wrong with you because you need people to mourn and weep with you in your loss. You do not need to be encouraged out of your grief and mourning. In time, as you intentionally stay present in your thoughts and emotions, and process your grief, you will find encouragement in the Lord.

Even though there is no need to be encouraged out of your grief, there are ways to be encouraged and built up in your grief. I am sure you have experienced people who have been there for you and were encouraging you while you were mourning. If you do not have healthy people around you who are letting you know that you are OK, that you are not doing anything wrong, and that you are allowed to feel and grieve, I recommend finding help through a group or counselor.

MISDIRECTED COMFORT

My first major experience of loss was when my dad died. He was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma when I was in high school. I did not understand the severity of this at the time, and I did not realize the impact this had on me. I can look back now and see how I found ways to numb myself and ignore the reality of what was happening. He went through a pretty aggressive chemotherapy treatment and the cancer went into remission. He lived another twelve years before it came back. I had just come to faith shortly before we found out his cancer had returned. I still remember the moment driving my dad home from the doctor appointment when he told me the cancer was back. It was a very weird slow-motion experience that I don’t have words for. He tried to nonchalantly tell me that the cancer was back, but I felt the weight of his words and we were both in shock because of the trauma of this painful reality. We drove the rest of the way home unable to speak. That moment is imprinted in my mind and my memory. This moment kicked off a very painful and emotional time of grief for me. Growing up, I did not have a close relationship with my dad. Now that I was an adult, we were growing closer and getting to know each other. The hope I had for this father/son relationship had now been taken. There were several times when I would break down and sob because of the grief. Breaking down like this was an unusual experience for me because of the lack of vulnerability and expression of emotion I experienced in my youth. I spun out through several stages of grief and loss while building up to his death, all the while trying to hold on to hope and faith for a miracle. If I remember it correctly, the process before he died was worse than his death. I talk about this concept in the Impending Loss blog. After he died, there was an odd sense of relief for him because he was no longer being tortured with the cancer. This relief seemed to help me through some of the grief of losing him.

After my dad’s death, I was introduced to the awkwardness of having to interact with people who seemed to think they were comforting me, even though they weren’t. It is a surreal experience, that is not comforting at all, when people come up to you needing to be comforted because of your loss. You may have experienced something like this yourself, and possibly not even understood what was happening. I have found people can respond to someone else’s loss in a way that misdirects the need for comfort to be for themselves, instead of the person who just experienced a loss.

Death and loss are very uncomfortable for people. We have looked at some of the reasons for this. We were not created to experience loss. We don’t understand it and I don’t think we ever will. Loss is awkward, uncomfortable, and confusing for everybody, not just you. I have never felt fully confident and comfortable engaging with someone who is grieving. It is still a struggle for me. I believe the Lord gave us the grieving process, so we can somehow reestablish a sense of normalcy in our lives. If we are willing to face our loss, and process our grief, we will be able to be comforted, and eventually comfort others.

When someone has not processed their own loss, they can retrigger into the unresolved pain and grief and be extra sensitive to someone else’s loss. In this sensitivity, they will unknowingly misdirect the need for comfort to be for themselves when they are engaging with you in your loss. Sometimes people believe that if they don’t express the depths of their own emotions to you, that you won’t think they care enough. There is a place for them to share their pain, but it is best if they hold off until you have had the freedom to express your own.

Like I had mentioned in the beginning, you will experience these different aspects of interaction with others, and you may find it difficult. You will need to learn how to maneuver through this and let yourself communicate your boundaries and needs. Some of the unhelpful interactions you will ignore, and some you will engage with. You can do this. Remember, it is OK that you are not enjoying and do not appreciate the bad advice, unhelpful encouragement, and misdirected comfort. As much as you can, let the Lord meet you in these awkward times, learn from them, and allow yourself to be in the grieving process where you are. As much as you can, remember that those around you care, and want to help you, even if they stumble in their attempts at first. Remember that you do not need to be different or try to make yourself be happy. You need to grieve, and you have permission to be real in your grief. You are going to get through this.

Blessings,

Ray

Life Outside the Trauma Bubble

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Thu, 01 Aug 2019 00:12:44 GMT

At some point during our grieving process, our lives begin to grow bigger than the loss we experienced. This is a transitional time where our lives are becoming more stable, our minds are becoming clearer, and our emotions are more balanced. This is life outside of the trauma bubble. In this blog, we are going to explore this aspect of the grieving process.

When we experience a traumatic loss, it seems like there is an overarching bubble of trauma that we are trapped in. It’s a cloud that follows us everywhere we go. This cloud is the culmination of all the different aspects of grief that we have already examined. The fog, the sensitivity, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the sadness, and the emotional roller coaster ride all create this overall sense of trauma that affects us mentally, emotionally, and physically.

In the beginning of the grieving process, it feels like grief is all encompassing. The dark cloud of trauma seems to cover and touch every aspect of our lives. At some point, as we are processing our grief, there is a moment when everything seems to shift. The fog lifts, the hopelessness decreases, and the sensitivity to loss becomes less intense. This is the start of life outside the trauma bubble. This aspect of the grieving process is when we can look around and see our lives more clearly. We will begin to reconnect with our lives and start moving forward.

The concept of “life outside the trauma bubble” came to me through conversations with friends after the fire. When we would see someone we had not seen since the fire, it was like they were experiencing our loss as if it had just happened. Their compassion and love for us was beautiful, and they were truly devastated for us. The problem with this was, we were not experiencing our loss like it had just happened. We had been processing the loss for a while and were not in the intensity of grief we once were. I did not want to be drawn back into the intensity of the grief they were experiencing for us. To help them understand where we were in our processing, I started letting people know that we were “outside of the trauma bubble.”

Living life outside of the trauma bubble does not mean we are done grieving. This just means we are now in the stage of grief when we can accept the loss, start experiencing other aspects of our lives, and find our new normal. We will still be affected by our loss and experience the different nuances of the grieving process. It is just a time when the traumatic feel of the loss is not as overwhelming.

The ability to live outside of the trauma bubble is directly related to how much we have allowed ourselves to be present in our grief, process our thoughts and emotions, and reconnect with our true selves. As we looked at in my previous blog, The Ability to Be Happy Again, your loss has not changed your identity. The loss you experienced did not cause you to lose the freedom, peace, and joy that is a natural aspect of your identity in Christ. Any of the fear, shame, or guilt that is keeping you from moving forward in your grieving process is a result of lies.

The truth is, you can be free, experience peace, and have joy again. You will be reminded of your loss, and you will still experience the pain and sadness of the grief. This transitional time of accepting the reality of your life, and reconnecting with who you truly are, is very important in finding your new normal. This acceptance and connection will establish the quality of your mindset, allow you to be in touch with your feelings, and be present in your life.

This is a time when it feels like you can breathe again. A time when you are not constantly bombarded with the weight of your grief. You can even start connecting again with the hopes and dreams of your life. A new determination begins to set in, and you can begin to feel more stable. It can even feel odd to feel OK. A significant part of this stage of grief is an acceptance that it is OK to be OK. There is not something wrong with you because you are able to be happy again. You have permission to live! Giving yourself permission to live, and to thrive, will transform your life.

At this stage of the grieving process, we are transitioning from being connected mostly through the pain and grief, back to being connected by the aspects of why we loved and cared for who or what we lost. We are more able to talk about and celebrate the things we loved. It is also a time when we can move from a false sense of idolizing who or what we lost and be able to see more clearly all the aspects of our relationship, including the things we didn’t really appreciate. Being honest about the real relationship you had, or the actual experience you had, is not disrespectful. Remember, denial is not going to help you heal. There is no need to create a false sense of perfection of who or what you lost. Trying to focus on only the positive, or only the negative, will not help us. I have seen both strategies in my coaching clients, and ultimately it doesn’t help them face reality and grieve accordingly.

You may even feel some sense of relief now that you are outside of the trauma bubble. This is a very touchy subject. I still remember years ago, when I was first starting out in ministry, someone I was mentoring committed suicide. I had only briefly started working with him, but I got to see the depth of the misery and pain that he lived in daily. It was miserable. After his suicide I was talking with my pastor and I mentioned that along with the grief of his loss, I had a sensation of relief for him because he was no longer suffering. I was corrected immediately. I was told that I should never feel relief in a situation like that, and having that emotion was inappropriate. After being shut down so strongly, I started looking at that response. I even went to a counselor to work it out. I found out that feeling relief was a completely normal and common response to a loss. We will have all kinds of emotional responses to loss, and they don’t always make sense. Adding guilt and shame to your grief will not help you heal. Thankfully I did go to a counselor and was able to process my feelings.

Since then, over the years of ministry, I have worked with many people who experienced relief, along with all the other emotions, in their grieving. I have continually experienced people guilting themselves and feeling ashamed because of any sense of relief. The false religious spirit is doing everything it can to steal, kill, and destroy your identity, authority, and community. There is not a set standard of how we should experience grief, or what emotions we should or should not feel. God can handle any emotion you have. We need to just let ourselves have permission to feel our feelings, think our thoughts, and let the Lord meet us in them.

If we let cultural or religious “shoulds” control and limit our responses and emotions after a loss, we will establish lies and begin to protect with fear, shame, or guilt. One of the ways I have helped my coaching clients in their grief is to help them identify the lies they believe connected to the loss. Some lies were established before the loss and keep people from being able to process their grief. Some are established because of the loss and keep people stuck in the unresolved pain. Some of the “shoulds” are the lies. Identifying the lies, giving your heart a choice, repenting, forgiving, and believing the truth will help you naturally be able to grieve. You will be able process your loss, and experience freedom, peace, and joy.

You can love again.

You can dream again.

You can hope again.

You can live again.

You can do this.

Blessings,

Ray

The Pit of Self-Pity

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 13:37:52 GMT

One of the greatest hindrances to processing our grief and establishing a new normal of freedom, peace, and joy is self-pity. This mental focus will sabotage our natural healing process and keep us stuck in an exaggerated experience of the grief. In this blog we are going to explore this phenomenon and what to do about it.

All of us will experience a sense of self-pity at some point during our grieving process. Self-pity is what inspired the Grieving the Loss of a Good God blog. I believe this is a more common experience than we may want to admit.

Just like the depression, hopelessness, sadness, or any of the emotional experiences that can get triggered while grieving, self-pity is something that may come and go during the process. This only becomes a problem when we get triggered into self-pity and we stay there. This will keep us engaged in all the painful emotions and hinder us from reconnecting to and experiencing the good aspects of who or what we lost.

There may be more than two, but over the years of coaching I have seen two common ways that we get off track from our natural grieving process and get stuck in self-pity. The first one happens when we get hyper-focused on how the loss affects us personally. It is natural for this type of thinking to come and go during the grieving process. As I said, the problem is when we get singularly focused on this and get stuck on that path. This will transition the grieving process from being a time of healing into an establishment of victimhood. Once the victim status is established in our mind, we will begin to hold on to the pain and build upon it. It will keep us from being able to process the pain in a healthy way. Instead of being able to be present in our grief, think our thoughts, feel our feelings, and allow God to meet us in those, we will begin to protect that aspect of our heart and not let healing in.

The second way I have seen my clients get off track from their natural grieving process is by establishing their identity in the loss itself. This is commonly aided by the culture around us. People are usually uncomfortable around someone who has experienced a traumatic loss, and they will treat that person differently. I mentioned this habit in my previous blog, Ability to be Happy Again . As people around us start identifying us with our loss, it can encourage us to begin to do the same. People’s awkwardness, along with the confusion that comes from loss, can distort our understanding of our true identity. We can begin to think and refer to ourselves in a way that identifies us in the loss, or in the effects of the trauma.

If the loss becomes your identity, then unresolved pain, grief, and hurt will be a natural expression of that identity. Instead of processing the pain and moving toward freedom, peace, and joy, the pain, grief, and hurt will become accepted as your new normal Your loss is not your identity. Yes, you experienced a traumatic loss, and it will affect the rest of your life. You went through the loss; you did not become the loss. You are an overcomer filled with freedom, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you make it your identity, it won’t be possible to be free from it. You will continually be stuck in a loop of the grief, pain, and hurt until you no longer identify with it.

Not identifying with the loss does not mean you have to forget or separate yourself from who or what you lost. You never need to forget, and you probably never will. If you identify yourself in who you truly are, as a child of God, you can experience the strength of the Lord and persevere through the trials of loss. If you cannot understand how to not identify yourself in the loss, while not separating from who or what you lost, I recommend you get professional help. A counselor or a grief group would be able to help you.

Let me remind you, you don’t need to be healed of the grieving process. Grieving is the healing process. I believe grieving is a natural process that will occur in us unless there is an unnatural disruption to the process. The unnatural disruptions are lies that we believe either before, during, or after the loss. For example, if you believed being a victim is your identity, that would be a lie. Regardless of what trauma happened in your life, your identity will not change. You always were, and always will be, an overcomer and a child of God.

I have personally coached many people in successfully processing their grief and moving forward. When helping someone with a trauma or a loss that they seem to be stuck in, I help with two specific things. First, I help them identify any lies they were believing, before the loss, that kept them from being able to process the loss. Then, I help them identify any lies that were established in or because of the loss that may be keeping them stuck in a loop of self-pity.

Once they were able to identify and repent from any lies, they were naturally able to process the grief. Now, let me be clear. This did not magically make all the grief go away. This allowed them to now begin the grieving process instead of just being stuck in the pain and hurt. Although this is very freeing, it is not always a fun time for the person. It can be very emotional for someone who must begin the grieving process after they realize they have been stuck in a loop of self-pity. This can be especially difficult if they have been stuck in this loop for a long time, while thinking they were grieving.

The sooner you allow yourself to grieve your loss, the better. Remember, you can do this. As a child of God, you have what it takes to persevere through your loss.

Blessings and peace,

Ray

Ability to be Happy Again

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Fri, 05 Jul 2019 14:44:02 GMT

Happiness is not the first thing most people think about when thinking about grieving. With the pain, loneliness, and sadness that can result from a traumatic loss, happiness isn’t even a consideration sometimes. It is understandable that you may not even be in a place where you can consider happiness yet. That’s OK. In this blog we are going to explore the reality that happiness is possible again.

While grieving, there is no process of trying to be happy again. We cannot force it or rush it. We can’t make it happen on our own. Happiness is a sense of pleasure and contentment that comes from the Lord. It will begin to return.

Righteousness, peace, and joy is within us. The Word tells us in Romans 14:17 that the kingdom of God is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. In Luke 17:21, the Lord tells us the kingdom is within us. We do not need to seek for righteousness, peace, and joy outside of ourselves or in our circumstances. God has imparted these realities into us through Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Greek word used for joy in Romans 14:17 is Strong's G5479 – chara. It means gladness, cheerfulness, and calm delight. This foundational gladness, cheerfulness, and calm delight is already in us. Our losses cannot take that away. This is the contentment and pleasure that is always available to us in Christ.

Even though our losses and circumstances cannot steal the true joy and happiness that is an aspect of our identity in Christ, it can cause us to disconnect from that reality. The trauma of experiencing loss can shake us at the depths of our soul. Remember, we were not created to experience loss. It is not part of the kingdom. We will never have who or what we lost back. The loss we experienced will always be an aspect of our lives, it just doesn’t have to be the only aspect of our lives.

In the beginning of the grieving process we had to remind ourselves that maybe we could be OK again. As we process our emotions and thoughts and begin to accept our new normal, we slowly return to a sense of being OK, and believing we will be OK. It doesn’t mean we won’t have bad days and we will no longer get triggered into the grief of our loss again. We just won’t get triggered as often or as intensely.

The intensity of grief we experience can cause a lot of confusion about our lives and our identity. When we lose someone or something we had a deep, intimate connection with, it can affect what we believe about our identity. Trying to understand our identity apart from who or what we lost can be a very painful and confusing process. As we recover from a traumatic loss, we slowly begin to think clearly and reconnect to who we truly are.

Unfortunately, sometimes the pain we experience can cause us to identify ourselves in the loss itself. Others may even begin to identify us in connection to our loss. I still remember how things changed after our home burned. Instead of just being introduced by my friends as, “This my friend Ray,” it became, “This is my friend Ray. He just lost his house in a fire.” At first, I did not notice it. I was in the trauma bubble and the loss was such a huge part of my life. Shortly after the loss, it started to become weird. I still do not fully understand the reasoning behind this habit. “Hello, here is my friend, and this is the latest traumatic loss he has experienced.” It was a weird experience to be identified with my loss that way, and it made trying to engage in normal life even more awkward.

As tragic as loss can be, it does not establish or change our identity. One of the key aspects of being able to be happy again after a loss is getting to know ourselves for who we truly are, separate from our loss. We are who we are, with or without who or what we lost. A deep, meaningful aspect of our lives is gone, but we are not!

Yes, it is possible to be happy again. As we process our grief, we will reconnect with the truth of who we are and begin to experience life again. The joy and peace that is a natural state of our identity in Christ is unshakable. We can never lose these. As we reconnect with our true selves, we will begin to reconnect with things that brought us happiness before our loss. This is sometimes a slow and uncomfortable process, but it can and does happen. There is no proper timeline for this. We all need to process how we process, and reconnect to our joy and peace as we can. Allow yourself the grace and time you need.

Sometimes, as we begin to experience happiness and contentment again, a feeling of guilt can happen. A common lie that my clients experience is that it is somehow disrespectful, dishonoring, or uncaring to be happy after a loss. Being happy is not disrespectful or uncaring to someone you lost. It doesn’t mean that you haven’t been deeply impacted by their absence. This can be tough as you start experiencing joy and happiness again. It can feel strange to sense your heart moving forward without them, and you may find yourself resisting this at first. Returning to your true nature in Christ, after a loss, is not dishonoring to the memory of who or what you lost.

As we move through the shock and fog of loss and begin to think clearly again, we can reconnect to all the aspects and qualities we loved about who or what we lost. It will allow us to enjoy our memories and celebrate all the good and wonderful things we once had before our loss. This does not happen smoothly, easily, or quickly. This is a messy process where we can go from happiness to sadness, to joy, to guilt, to loneliness, and back to happiness again, and again. This is an emotional experience we looked at in The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Grief blog.

Continually facing our pain, emotions, and thoughts in our grief can be hard work. Thankfully in Colossians 1:11 the Lord tells us we have been strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy. Having the ability to persevere through grief does not come from our own strength and willpower. Our ability to endure through the grief and experience joy again is through the strength and power that God has given us. You can do this; you can experience happiness and joy again. You can have fun again. You can live and enjoy your life again. And if that’s not where you are today, it’s OK.

If you feel safe and emotionally ready, try this exercise. Take a moment and let yourself relax, breathe, and connect to the presence of the Lord. When you feel His comfort and presence, ask the Lord to highlight an aspect or memory of who or what you lost that will bless you and bring joy. Let yourself experience the good feelings that helped you to love and appreciate who or what you lost. Take your time and enjoy all the good things as much as you can. Remember to stay aware of the presence of God and let Him comfort and guide you. It is OK if this also stirs up emotions of grief. Celebrate what you can and process what you need to.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. – Romans 15:13

Blessings,

Ray

Flash of Hope

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 22:09:42 GMT

So far, we have looked at many aspects of grief that result from the trauma of loss. In this blog we are going to look at the re-emergence of hope that happens in the grieving process.

The grieving process isn’t just about grief. It is about establishing a new normal where you can live and thrive again. As we confront our emotions and the pain from the loss, the fog begins to lift, and we slowly begin to have clarity of mind restored. Little by little, flashes of hope will return.

As we move through the grieving process, one of the many experiences we have will be this restoration of hope. These flashes of hope can seem unusual and even out of place sometimes. Depending on the level of impact from the loss you experienced, there can be a sense of sadness and hopelessness that can set in while grieving. The depth of sadness that can happen after a loss sometimes make it seem completely hopeless that you can ever feel anything other than grief. Having a sensation of hope return in the midst of this pain can be a very weird experience.

When a moment of hope is restored, it is almost like the sun breaking through the clouds on a grey overcast day. It brings light to an otherwise dark and sad place. In the beginning these moments can be random and fleeting. One moment you can be grieving, then you blink your eyes and you are feeling hope, then you blink again, and you’re back to grieving.

As we looked at in The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Grief , grieving is a very unstable process. You may not even be in a place where you are experiencing any type of hope. That is OK. There is not something wrong with you if you cannot even comprehend the idea of hope right now. Just know it can happen, and it will happen, as you confront your grief and process your emotions.

There is no set time for when you may experience hope again. Everyone goes through the grieving process in their own way, with different intensity, different timelines, and different emotional responses. Take your time, there is no hurry. Let yourself grieve, let yourself feel your emotions, and allow yourself the time you need.

As I write this, it has been almost a year since we lost our home in the fire. It has been an interesting emotional ride. While grieving this loss, I’ve experienced hope in several different ways. The first time was early on when my children found the burnt remains of the title page of Chapter Eight, Repent and Believe, from my Identity Restoration book. This was a glimpse of hope in the middle of tragedy. Even though it didn’t fix anything, it was a beautiful moment of hope where I felt loved. It was a reminder of a sense of normal outside of the trauma.

While I was still in the fog after the loss, hope would come and go. There were times when I would wake up in the morning and it was like nothing bad had happened. Of course, soon after that, all the thoughts and emotions from the loss would flood in and remind me that something bad did happen. This was almost like reexperiencing the loss over again. Even though the feeling I woke up with didn’t always last, it began to give me hope that things could be different.

The hope we have is not a hope that life will be the same again. We already know that life will never be the same. The hope we experience is hope of life, joy, peace, freedom, and love. Hope is a natural state of our true identity in God. The hope we experience is a natural state of our character that has been refined as a result of the endurance in our suffering.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. – Romans 5:1-5 ESV

It is not about getting over it. It is more like getting through it. Take it day by day. Days will become weeks, weeks will become months, and months will become years. As you allow God to meet you in the middle of your grief, in whatever timeline works for you, you will begin to be able to move through it and establish your new normal.

You have what it takes to get through this. The love you have is what will allow you to endure, to hope, and to believe again. Your ability to endure and hope is the expression of your love. If you didn’t love, you wouldn’t be able to endure your loss.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV

Celebrate the hope you do experience. Hold on and endure, in the love of God, when there is no hope. God’s love has been poured out into your heart through the Holy Spirit. Your love is the reason you can hope again.

May God’s grace empower you through love,

Ray

Sometimes We Need a Break From Grief

peter@dmdude.com (Peter Brissette) — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 14:28:56 GMT

We have been looking at the need to intentionally face our grief head on and process our emotions. In this blog we are going to look at the benefits of taking a break from grief. Allowing yourself to rest and take some time to breathe will greatly help you in your grieving process.

It can be difficult and exhausting to intentionally face your grief and process your pain after a traumatic loss. Just surviving the grief is a lot to deal with. As we find ourselves in the midst of it, it is easy to forget about personal health. It can be all you have to just get through the day. The idea of self-care can be a completely foreign concept.

Allowing yourself to take a break and care for your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is an essential part of establishing a new normal. Self-care is an important aspect of the grieving process. Grieving is work, hard work. Continually working hard without a break can bring on even more hardship. Even God demonstrates a time of rest in Genesis 2, when He rested from all the work He had done. Then in Exodus He introduces the idea of Sabbath rest.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. – Exodus 20:8-11

The Lord wants us to rest. He created that time for us. Rest is a blessed and holy time. A traumatic loss can take over our entire thought life. We can get lost in thoughts and enter into a very painful and stressful internal world. Taking a break helps your mind temporarily disengage from all those thoughts in a healthy way. This will help you to get reacquainted with the world around you.

Taking a break is not the same as denial. Taking a break and allowing yourself time to relax, have some fun, or experience something adventurous is not denial. This time will help you to see that you do not have to do this alone. You are not alone in this. The Lord is acquainted with your grief, and He is able to help you. Here is a reminder from The Loneliness of Loss blog.

The Lord is acquainted with, knows, has experiential knowledge of, and comprehends our grief. He has received, accepted, lifted, and carried away our grief and sorrow. He knows your grief, understands your situation, and can help you with your sorrow.

These times of rest in-between the times of intentionally facing our grief, and processing our pain, will help us let God be the one who carries our sorrows. It will help us reset our perspective and begin to see God’s hand in the process more clearly. Our world will get bigger than our loss, and we will slowly be able to see it. We will begin to see beauty again in places we did not think possible.

Reengaging with society after a loss can be overwhelming. I am not recommending that you push yourself past what you feel safe doing. There were many times when I could not even go in public after experiencing loss. After our home burned, I had a weird sense of social anxiety in my body that I could not even explain. Even though my loss had nothing to do with crowds or public spaces, there were times when it was difficult to go in crowded spaces. I would sometimes not engage with things that I did not feel safe engaging with. Little by little, I would engage as I could. I recommend doing something you feel safe doing, something that will help you disengage from your grieving, so that you can rest and rejuvenate.

While grieving a loss we may be tempted to comfort ourselves in unhealthy ways. Self-care is not the same as self-medication. When I mention self-medication, I am referring to the unhealthy ways we try to numb, deny, or distract ourselves from the emotional pain and grief. Taking care of our needs is not an unhealthy distraction. If we take the time to care for ourselves, we will be able to face the grief.

It can be tough to get motivated to do “regular life” while grieving. You may not have any interest in it. Trying to do something fun, in the middle of all the pain, might not even be a concept that you can grasp. However, I think it is very helpful to remind yourself that there still is fun in the world. Even small moments of experiencing fun, joy, or excitement can help us and strengthen us. The joy of the Lord is our strength. Be strong and courageous, you can do this.

Take some time, let yourself breathe, enjoy the moment, and commend yourself for the work you have done. You are so much stronger than you know.

Blessings,

Ray

When Loss Feels Hopeless

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 22 May 2019 23:26:10 GMT

The loss of a loved one, an important relationship, a dream, or something you deeply cherish can take you to a place of hopelessness and depression you may think will never lift. This is not an uncommon experience in the grieving process. It is inevitable that there will be times of depression after a significant loss. The sadness can be extreme as you realize your life will never be the same again. All the memories, experiences, and emotions connected to your loss can flood through your mind and contribute to the experience of hopelessness. You can begin to lose purpose. It can be difficult to find inspiration for your career, dreams, relationships, or day to day life.

You may find it difficult to get yourself motivated to do things like leaving the house, going shopping, or even getting out of bed. Regular tasks, that you didn’t even notice in the past, can become difficult and emotionally overwhelming. Days can blend together as you seem to just be surviving from moment to moment. Everything can become meaningless and irrelevant to you.

This is a very sensitive subject that not everyone is willing to admit. Especially in some social circles, depression can be regarded as a weakness, or lack of faith. As we discussed in The Loneliness of Loss blog, your friends and family may not know how to help you through this aspect of grief. It may even be a challenge for you. You may have never experienced the level of sadness and hopelessness you are now experiencing. There is not something wrong with you if you are experiencing this.

I have found that if you are willing to stay present in the depression, think your thoughts, feel your emotions, and process your hopelessness with God, you can naturally move forward and not stay stuck. You may not have the energy or motivation to do this at first. It is very helpful to be honest with yourself and others you trust and allow yourself to be comforted. If you don’t have safe people around you that can comfort and care for you, it may be helpful to find a grief group or a counselor. Allow yourself to just take the steps you can to move forward.

Times of depression are an aspect of the grieving process. It is important to remember though, the grieving process shifts, moves, and changes. It is not a consistent feeling. One of the ways to see if you are simply grieving, or if you are stuck in depression, are the emotional shifts. The depression in the grieving process does not last forever.

Being honest with yourself about how you are feeling will help you process through the grief. The unhealthy cultural expectations around us can sometimes cause us to try and deny the depression and perform for others like everything is OK. Denial is not rooted in faith. The unfortunate and misguided teachings that encourage a denial of your emotions, and the idea that you just need to have faith, are not encouraging faith. Denial is rooted in hopelessness. It is a result of not believing there can be true resolution. Encouraging this type of thinking is not healthy or helpful. Even Jesus experienced emotional sadness around death and loss.

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in His spirit and greatly troubled. And He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. – John 11:33-35

If we look at this Scripture in context of the whole gospel message, we will see it more clearly. Jesus, the King of Kings, was already seated in heavenly realms with Lazarus, and was getting ready to raise him from the dead, when He was deeply moved, greatly troubled, and wept. If it is OK for Jesus to respond to loss in this way, I believe it is equally OK for us to respond this way.

I lived much of my life denying my emotions and stuffing them as much as I could. Instead of dealing with my pain, I tried various methods of numbing it. Of course, it never worked even though I tried to convince myself it did. I would even say things like, “deal with it,” or “get over it” when someone was actually processing their issues. I have found that people who talk like this are neither dealing with their issues nor getting over them.

I had an experience that I share in the first chapter of my Identity Restoration book. This experience ripped the lid off the emotions I had been stuffing for years, and they all came pouring out. It was overwhelming and I ended up going into a complete depression. It was miserable.

Allowing myself to be present in this depression, and process with God, changed the entire course of my life. I experienced freedom, peace, and joy in ways I never knew was possible. Freedom is available. It is possible to experience peace and joy again. It is OK that you may not be experiencing it right now. You do not need to pretend or rush the process. Back when I was stuck in hopelessness, I would get angry when people would talk about how they got free from something. I had such foundational hopelessness that I couldn’t celebrate other people’s victories. I would get jealous, bitter, envious, and angry that other people could be free, and I couldn’t. It was not a fun place to be.

It didn’t all happen at once for me. It has been many encounters, trials, challenges, and learning experiences that have contributed to the freedom I now live in. Part of that freedom is an ability to not have to perform for others. If I am in a bad place, I do not pretend I am happy just to make others more comfortable. I am also not accepting the negative emotions as a normal way of life. I live a life pursuing freedom, peace, and joy while intentionally acknowledging and processing any guilt, fear, or shame that is happening.

Although hopelessness and depression are common after a loss, they are not your new normal. They are part of the grieving process that will help get you to your new normal. There will even be random times when you trigger into them, even after you think you are doing OK. Freedom, peace, and joy is possible again. Settling into the deception that you will always be depressed is very dangerous. Even though you may think that you can’t go on, or you can’t live without; the truth is, you can. You have what it takes to get through this. The Lord is acquainted with your grief and He can comfort you in this. You may be in a place where you don’t see the hope right now, but don’t give up. Hold on, hope is possible again.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Ray

Grieving An Impending Loss

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 08 May 2019 14:19:56 GMT

Sometimes loss doesn’t take us by surprise. Sometimes it is a slow, painful process as we wait for the conclusion of what we know is coming. We have already explored grieving after a loss. In this blog, we are going to explore grief that happens as it builds toward an impending loss.

This type of grieving can be the result of many different issues. We could be experiencing the harsh journey of a terminal illness with a loved one, preparing for a move away from a loving community, walking through a failing relationship, or living through the last years with elderly family members. These are just a few examples of how we lose something very dear to us in a gradual process. Instead of one big loss, we experience a slow, piece-by-piece loss as we grieve the different aspects of what we are losing.

This type of loss is not uncommon. We are actually experiencing this all the time. As we grow, change, follow our dreams, and pursue our own path in life, we are continually losing some aspects of our relationships, experiences, comforts, friends, and family. Little by little we have developed a capacity for the smaller, less impactful losses in our lives. The bigger ones are usually the ones we remember and have trouble with.

I have personally experienced this process several times in my life. The first one I remember is preparing to move from my childhood home because of new road construction. This new road plan went right through our yard and included the removal of our house. This carried the weird feeling of almost being erased from the neighborhood. It is still odd when I am in town and I drive by the empty lot that used to be my yard.

The toughest one I can remember was when my father was dying of cancer. His original diagnosis came when I was still in high school. I was about sixteen when we first found out. This was a difficult time for our family, and one that impacted many aspects of my life.

Thankfully, after treatment, his cancer went into remission and he lived for another fifteen years. The really tough time was when the cancer returned. For me, the last year of his life was a slow, painful dismantling of the different aspects of our relationship. Little by little, there was less of my father present. No more coffee together in the morning, no more working together in the garden, no more house projects together, and no more time watching him give my daughter a flower while he let her steal his hat off his head.

I did not fully understand what I was going through at that time. I mostly just survived the experience. It isn’t uncommon for people to just survive the loss. How to handle loss is not something we are usually taught. It is something we each experience in our own way and we develop our own methods of coping. Some of the methods are helpful, some are destructive.

You can experience all the different stages of the grieving process multiple times over as you slowly lose aspects of something, or someone, you care about. Sometimes, the anticipation of the final loss can be overwhelming as you are still trying to work through the aspects of loss you are already experiencing. The multiple emotional impacts can begin to bring confusion and throw you into The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Grief .

The Firsts are the Worst

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Tue, 23 Apr 2019 18:07:55 GMT

We have all had to experience life for the first time without…the person we love, the community we knew, our family, our favorite possession, or our familiar comforts. Loss can be challenging enough, but being reminded of it every time we have a new first experience can be miserable.

These first experiences, after a loss, can be triggering and extremely painful. We all have established cherished traditions that are significantly affected by our losses. It is almost unimaginable to experience holidays or special occasions without your loved one being there. It can also be difficult to experience traditions that were always celebrated in a home that you have lost. Even having to perform a menial task without the familiar surroundings and possessions you once had, can be troublesome.

I still remember how impactful it was to just make coffee for the first time after our home burned down. We had been displaced and were living in a hotel for weeks after the fire. I didn’t have to make coffee for myself that whole time. Once we were settled back into a temporary home and I made coffee for the first time, it triggered the loss of my morning traditions. The mornings were a very special time for me. I would wake up before everybody else in the house, make coffee, have time with the Lord, and work on whatever book I was writing at that time. I would sit on the back deck enjoying the mountain view and the California weather, along with a cup of coffee in one of my favorite mugs. It was glorious! All the different aspects of that loss hit me the first time I made coffee after the fire.

Sometimes, we are not even aware of the sentimental attachment until it hits. We can be reminded of something we were not even remembering about our relationships or routines. The rituals we establish in our lives are almost subconscious. We don’t always think through them and have a set plan that we are conscious of. These first-time triggers can sneak up on us and completely disrupt our lives. We can think we are doing OK, and then suddenly we’re triggered back into the grief and loss.

These first-time experiences do not have a time limit. It is easy to understand this happening for the first year after a loss. The natural cycles of the seasons, traditions, and holidays throughout the year will be affected. Sometimes, it is several years later when you engage in some activity for the first time since your loss. There isn’t something wrong with you if you get triggered when this happens. It is not a regression in your grieving process. It is just a random first-time experience that reminds you of who, or what you lost.

It doesn’t always have to be an established tradition or event that is affected. It can be a dream you had for yourself, and now you must go through it without the whole picture of what you had hoped for. There are multiple ways we can get triggered by first experiences. We don’t really have a choice. We will get triggered and we will be reminded of our loss. After the trigger is when we have a choice. We have the choice to deny our emotions, distract ourselves, self-protect because of them, or even begin to identify ourselves with them. We also have the choice to confront our grief and process our emotions. Some choices are better than others.

I believe it is important to confront the emotions in these triggering experiences. It is not something to be afraid of. It is just something to be aware of. If we are willing to confront the pain and grief in these events, and allow ourselves to grieve, they won’t have the same level of trauma and pain the next time. Little by little, we can transition from focusing on the loss and begin to experience life again. As we continue to experience these events, traditions, or holidays each year, the pain and grief will minimize. It is not about forgetting; it is about living. You can live, thrive, and be happy again. You don’t have to forget to be free.

I am not saying that after the first experience, everything will be great next time. I have noticed that the firsts are the worst. Each consecutive time we re-experience an event there are new aspects of that event that are changing and growing. We begin to adjust to the new normal and our focus on the pain of the loss is not as intense.

The events of your life will never be the same after your loss. It will be different. As we grow and change, so do our experiences. If you are repeatedly experiencing the trauma of the loss with the same intensity as each trigger or event happens, please get some professional help. It is possible to live again, to thrive again, and to experience joy.

If you need help with these triggers, you may want to sign up for my free email course that trains you with tools to live a lifestyle of freedom. You will learn how to implement the Three Steps to Life when you trigger so you can connect with God, confront your emotions, and resolve your thoughts.

If you would like to be equipped to live a lifestyle of freedom, click here .

Blessings,

Ray

Grieving an Abstract Loss

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 14:20:52 GMT

Not every loss we experience is tangible. Some losses are abstract or perceived. This blog is intended to help you acknowledge, grieve, and heal from those intangible losses.

You may have been dreaming of or hoping for something for a long time. You may have been planning and preparing for a family, a relationship, a career, an event, a degree, a purchase, or even an adventure, and now it is unattainable. These are real losses, even though they are not as tangible as others. I have worked with many people who were experiencing sadness without knowing why. When we would explore the reasons for the sadness, we would sometimes find the loss of a hope or dream. Often, this would even surprise the person because they had discounted the idea of being bothered by such an intangible issue. Since they had never processed it, the sadness and grief were still there. It doesn’t have to be a huge traumatic event that initiates a sense of loss and causes the need to grieve.

Years ago, while working with some of my coaching clients, I noticed that after they received healing and freedom, they began to grieve. This was an interesting phenomenon that I did not understand at first. What I discovered is that people will see more clearly once they are set free from old, dysfunctional relational patterns. Once they can see the relationship for what it really is, they may need to grieve the loss of what they had perceived the relationship to be. Not everyone experiences this type of loss when healing occurs, but when someone does, grieving is an important part of their healing process.

This was not the only abstract pattern of loss I noticed with my clients. I also found that sometimes when people received healing from more intricate and sophisticated self-protections, there would also be a need for grieving. Our systems of self-protection can become so familiar and trusted that there can be a sense of loss after healing. There can even be an experience of loneliness as we recalibrate to our new life without this self-protection. If you need or want more information about self-protections, my book Identity Restoration explains this topic.

I realize it is an odd concept that someone may need to grieve after receiving freedom and healing, but this is a real experience for some. Even in a good situation, like healing, there can be a need to let yourself grieve something you’ve lost. Remember, your loss doesn’t have to be tangible in order to warrant the need for grieving.

I have found there can even be a need to grieve something that you only perceived you had. Our perceptions are our reality. When we lose something very meaningful to us, that we only perceived we had, it can be a real loss. Experiencing this significant reality shift can be very jarring to us emotionally and can initiate a need to recalibrate and adapt to a new normal. The grieving process allows us to adapt to the new normal.

I personally experienced an abstract loss when my mother died. She was very difficult to be in relationship with. When she died, there was an aspect of loss just from losing her physical presence. She was the mother I had known all my life. But the grief that impacted me the most was losing the chance of having a healthy relationship with my mother. The possibility of that relationship was now gone. There was no way to have that now. This grief snuck up on me and caught me by surprise. I wasn’t even aware I was hoping for this until it was taken away. It was a real loss that I had to process.

Confronting these abstract losses is important. In these losses, the enemy can sneak in lies like, “this shouldn’t bother you,” or “this isn’t important.” It is so easy to discount the need to process a loss that is intangible. It isn’t even a “real” thing! The problem with discounting these losses is that it establishes a pattern of denial that may eventually be applied to the tangible losses as well. The pain and hurt from a loss that you have experienced, but not processed, can keep you from grieving new losses. This grief can build up and eventually reach a breaking point that will cause collateral damage to your life and your relationships. By courageously admitting and confronting your losses, you can process your grief, and experience the freedom and peace that are available in your new normal.

Unfortunately, we don’t always receive grace from others for this type of grief. Often others who don’t understand grief, or who deny their own grief, will try to tell us there is no need to grieve. Many of my clients have experienced shame and ridicule for being affected by experiences in their lives. The enemy may even use trusted people in your life to accuse you of things like, “you are too sensitive,” or “there is something wrong with you,” for acknowledging your pain. Confronting your pain and being honest about your feelings is not being overly sensitive, it is being brave.

As we are acknowledging our losses and confronting them, it is good to be aware of the unhealthy possibility of making our loss an identity. If this happens, we can get stuck in the loss and find ourselves unable to move forward. Even though loss can be excruciatingly painful, you are still more than what you have lost. If you find yourself unable to move forward in your process, and you are overwhelmed by your loss, I recommend seeking professional help.

I am not trying to promote the idea of looking for things to grieve. If you are experiencing freedom, peace, and joy, keep experiencing those! But if you are not, and you have been through some type of loss, then I recommend confronting these painful emotions by allowing yourself to process your grief. Denying your sadness, pain, and grief will never help you. Denial will never resolve your pain. It will only cause the pain and grief to be expressed in some unhelpful way. Believe me, it is easier to confront these losses now, rather than letting them build up and cause collateral damage.

If you seem to be experiencing any unexplained sadness, take a moment to ask God if there are any losses that you haven’t acknowledged or let yourself grieve. If so, give yourself permission to acknowledge the loss, process any emotions that come up, forgive as needed, and receive comfort from God. Remind yourself of His promises and let your heart be encouraged.

Freedom is available, and you can do this! Many people believe in you and are available to help you.

Blessings,

Ray

Grieving The Loss of a Good God

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Tue, 26 Mar 2019 20:26:54 GMT

This is a very sensitive topic. I am aware that even touching this subject may give an opportunity for religious criticism and judgment. It is sometimes difficult for us to be honest about our feelings of disappointment with God. In this blog, I hope to help you meet with God in any deep, wounded areas of disappointment and loss, so that you can experience freedom.

A few years ago, we endured one of the toughest financial struggles of our lives. We led a ministry in Maryland until we moved to California in 2013. For several different reasons, after moving to California, we slowly lost some of our ministry support. Sadly, we also lost some relationships with close friends during this time. We were transitioning how our ministry operated, and we were having trouble recovering from the financial shift. After struggling like this for a few years, it was becoming difficult to manage.

Around this time, we took our son to SoCal for college. The day we left to take him to college was a significant financial stress for me. We had no money in our personal account, no money in our ministry account, and no credit left available. Hotel reward points from past travel allowed us to work out the hotel stay, so we loaded up our van and took off for his college.

This was a difficult trip. Our son was heading off to college and we wanted to be able to provide everything for him. I did my best to stay positive and not let him know, but I am sure he knew something was going on. I was experiencing the emotional separation of our son leaving for college, along with the financial uncertainty of how it would all go. It was really rough!

While on our trip, a dear friend called me and let me know that they had been inspired by God to give to our ministry. This was a beautiful reminder of God’s goodness in the middle of a tough time, and it allowed us to take a partial paycheck. In ministry, you get a pay check if there is money in the ministry account. Sometimes it is a short check, and you hopefully recover later. Every month is an act of faith. We have been doing this since 2001, so we are somewhat used to it, but it’s not always easy.

The surprise donation from our friend was a beautiful blessing in the middle of a stressful time. But since we had been through an unusually tough year of financial struggles, I was finding it a battle to stay positive. This surprise really helped, but I had received one too many financial punches and it had knocked the wind out of me. My faith was beat down. Despite the immense sadness of our son moving away, my wife was able to pray and receive encouragement from the Lord. She was therefore in a better place emotionally than I was. I had been trying to hide my state of despair from her because I didn’t want to bring her down. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. She is extremely gifted in discernment, so she was obviously aware the whole time.

After getting our son settled in his new apartment, we stayed with some friends in the area for a few days. One afternoon, when we were alone, Kathryn asked me what was wrong. I had tried to just blow it off, but she pressed in. At one point when she asked me what was really happening, I told her I was just grieving. Then she asked me what I was grieving. Up to that point, I don’t even think I knew. What came out of my mouth after that was, “I am grieving the loss of a good God.” OK, so there it is. Wow, I was even somewhat set back by it myself. I obviously had some issues I needed to work out with God!

Just to be clear, I know God is good! It is His nature. I know this; I just don’t always believe this. We have been intentionally exploring vulnerability and honesty throughout this blog series. Being honest with ourselves and with God to directly confront the beliefs that do not line up with our religious doctrine is critical to the process of healing. We have all had experiences that make us question the goodness of God. We can even read accounts of many of the characters in the Scriptures expressing their real thoughts and feelings to God. From Job and David in the Old Testament, all the way to Peter denying Jesus, out of fear, in the New Testament. God is not afraid of our real thoughts and feelings. There is no reason for us to be afraid of them either.

As we have explored in my previous blog, Finding a New Normal , loss is never going to make sense. We were not created to experience loss, and when we do it is traumatic. This trauma and confusion make it difficult to understand how a good God could allow these things to happen. These are legitimate thoughts that need to be processed with God. Sadly, I have worked with so many people who are still suffering from an old loss because they were not able to address their real thoughts and feelings. Often, I experience well-meaning believers denying their pain and real beliefs while telling themselves they “know” God is good. I believe this is where a lot of the bad advice, that we discussed in How to Comfort Those Who Mourn , comes from. The denial of our real thoughts and feelings, in our attempt to fit a religious expectation, will not help us heal.

The willingness to confront any beliefs that God is not good will allow us to process and be free of them. Yes, absolutely, there are things that happen that are horrific and beyond understanding. I do not understand the fullness of how God’s sovereignty, free will, sin, redemption, good, and evil all play out in this fallen world. I do know God will meet you in your misery, where you may be disappointed in Him, blaming Him, or even hating Him for the loss you have experienced. Don’t be afraid to go there. There is no lie you believe about God that He doesn’t already know and hasn’t already taken to the cross for you.

We have all experienced loss and disappointment. Many of my coaching clients have experienced unimaginably tragic losses that hit at the core of their being. Religious platitudes and distractions never seemed to help them. They only seemed to prolong their pain, and often caused them to pull away from their relationship with God. Regardless of how traumatic our losses have been, it is important to process any thoughts or feelings we have about God because of them.

One of the reasons I was able to work through my issues with God about my finances was because I was willing to be honest about them. Confronting those issues allowed me to go deeper into some of the provision issues from my childhood. Those issues had shaped unhealthy perspectives on God’s nature.

I have learned not to pretend with God. It is unproductive to give a religious performance of praise while harboring bitterness in our hearts. Just as my wife knew there was something deeper going on with me, God knew perfectly what I was thinking and feeling. Being honest with Him about my struggle was the best thing I could do for my relationship with Him. Once I was honest with God about the lies I was believing, I was able to allow His love in, and to receive comfort for my pain.

Thankfully, God is loving, gracious, and merciful to work with us through the grief of any loss, perceived or real. It is safe to allow Him into those deep, sad, wounded areas of our soul. Even in those places we are most afraid of going, because we may not believe in His goodness. Jesus paid for it all, and there is no need for us to continue in our private suffering. Sometimes it is difficult for us to go there on our own. If you are unable to go there on your own, it is OK. You are allowed to need help and get help.

Thank you for continuing to follow along in my journey. May the God of peace Himself give you comfort and hope.

Blessings,

Ray

The Sensitivity of Loss

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 17:36:50 GMT

After a traumatic loss in your life, you may begin to experience a greater sensitivity to other losses. This sensitivity can express itself in ways you may not expect.

Even when the initial shock and trauma from our loss wears off, there can be a hyper awareness of other losses we have previously experienced. Especially if those losses have not been processed. It can even cause us to mourn old losses we thought we had already processed.

This sensitivity is not limited to your own experiences. You can also become sensitive to other people’s losses, or other traumatic events that are happening around you. Sensitivity to any kind of loss is sometimes heightened after a traumatic loss.

As I have said before, none of this needs to make any rational sense. Unfortunately, this sensitivity can be very distracting. It can almost feel like a setback in your grieving process. It is not a setback. It is just another aspect of the grieving process.

I personally experienced this in several ways after we lost our home. One of those ways was an increased sadness when I would hear about other traumatic events. Three months after the Carr Fire took our home, we had returned to Redding and were trying to reestablish a sense of normalcy in our lives. Right at this time, another tragic fire hit in Paradise CA just south of Redding. This was beyond my ability to process at the time and I went back into a sense of denial about that fire. Redding was still recovering from being evacuated, and now people from this new fire were coming here for relief and safety. I prayed for all involved when it came to mind, but I could not let myself even read about that fire for a while. I was not emotionally ready to process this new trauma right away. It was overwhelming to even think about. It took a little while before I could process what was happening in the trauma around me. There was more work that was needed in my own trauma, before I could process a new one.

Another way I experienced this was with having a hyper sensitivity to other people’s need for grace, due to what they might be going through, with no capacity to have grace for any of their unhealthy behavior. It was a weird experience of feeling compassionate and selfish all at the same time. Thankfully I was aware of the sensitivity, so I was able to manage my own responses in those interactions.

Another aspect of the sensitivity that I experienced was that I would randomly get triggered into feelings of old loss that I had forgotten about. Sometimes, when I would remember something, it would just be a simple disruption. Other times, I would experience considerable grief when I remembered what I had lost. That was not fun.

You may experience sensitivities like these, or in other ways I have not mentioned. The sensitivity you encounter will be unique to you, your losses, and your experiences. Allow yourself the permission to process through grief in the way you need.

There may be a time of delay before you can face the different losses that get triggered. That is OK. Take the time you need. I do recommend intentionally returning to the issues when you can. Stuffing the emotions and trying to deny them will not help. Your willingness to face these will determine whether you continue to stay in the loop of pain and sensitivity or begin to move forward.

If these issues stay unresolved, there are several responses that I have seen as a result. The most common response to unresolved grief in people’s lives is an attempt to control and protect the variables in their lives. This control leads to a limitation of experiences, opportunities, connections, and hope. Little by little, limitation and control eats away at the abundance of life that is available after the loss. The freedom, peace, and joy that is possible in the new normal becomes beyond reach. This doesn’t have to be the case.

A willingness to be vulnerable with God about these sensitivities will allow you to process your thoughts and emotions in a way that can bring peace to your mind and your heart. It will not bring back your old life. Remember, you will never be the same again, and your life will never be the same again. Letting God meet you in the sensitive areas of your loss will help you establish a new normal where you can thrive again.

When you can, take the time to invite God’s presence into those sensitivities, and allow Him to minister to you. You may not be ready for that yet, and that is OK. God is ready and willing to meet you whenever your heart is ready.

Blessings,

Ray

The Importance of Vulnerability

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 27 Feb 2019 15:41:32 GMT

Vulnerability! Wow, do we really have to talk about that? Haven’t we suffered enough? Isn’t it bad enough that I must try and move on with my life after this traumatic loss? Now you want to talk about being vulnerable with the possibility of getting even more hurt?!

Unfortunately, in many social circles, vulnerability is not something that is respected or safe. I can look back at my own life and see that there was almost a standing “miranda rights” rule. Anything I said could and would be used against me. Your childhood may not have been like that, but I am sure all of us have experienced this at some level. Key people you thought you could trust may have used your vulnerability against you and hurt you. This is a very sad aspect of a fallen world.

Vulnerability is a very misunderstood concept. Because of this, it isn’t something that people easily choose in their grieving process. Vulnerability is almost a dirty word. Even though it may not be said directly, it is commonly treated as a weakness. It can be viewed as either too emotional or unimportant. We have been trained to not show weakness, so if vulnerability is a weakness, we can’t go there.

The thinking that vulnerability always means connecting with some emotionally sensitive area in your heart is not accurate. It can be that, but it is not always. Vulnerability does not necessarily have anything to do with emotional sensitivity. It is a much broader concept than being emotional. I think it has been reduced to this understanding because of the trauma, betrayal, and abuse that people have experienced in their lives.

Commonly people will mentally replay what has happened to them, and then retell it to others. They will repeatedly explain details of old traumatic events thinking this is vulnerability. Many people use the detailed traumatic stories as a self-protection, keeping themselves from being vulnerable and known.

For example, think about a building that is protected with a security perimeter. Imagine someone is walking you around, showing you the perimeter of the building. They show you the walls, fences, and guards. They explain to you how there have been attempted break ins, or damage done from previous incidents. They tell you in detail what happened, and how they defended themselves against it. They may even tell you how they have built up their defenses in those areas in case another attack comes. They could repeatedly walk you around the building showing you all the trauma and explain the details of what happened, in the past, and still never reveal to you what is inside the building. In this same way, someone can share in-depth details about past traumatic events in their life and never let themselves be known. This is not vulnerability.

Before we discuss vulnerability in our grieving process, let’s look at what vulnerability is. We have already looked at some aspects of what vulnerability isn’t. Now let’s focus more on what it is.

In my opinion, vulnerability is the willingness to authentically present yourself without any self-protections. This covers all aspects of yourself. Your dreams, hopes, ideas, beliefs, thoughts, desires, emotions, disappointments, fears, inspirations, joys, hurts, and pain. It is so much more than just connecting with emotionally sensitive areas of your heart.

Vulnerability is not about what has happened on the outside. Vulnerability is being honest about what is happening on the inside. This is where healing happens. Unfortunately, sometimes we do not have people in our lives that are safe to be vulnerable with. If you do not have someone in your life that you can be honest with, get professional help. Having someone that you can be fully honest and vulnerable with is priceless.

Why do we need to talk about vulnerability in the grieving process? Because it is pivotal in the rebuilding of relationships, mindsets, and attitudes. Vulnerability is pivotal in the rebuilding of a healthy life.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

I do not believe that vulnerability is a weakness. I personally think vulnerability is where we are the strongest. The areas where we won’t let ourselves be vulnerable are the weaknesses. Those are the areas we self-protect. If we will be honest with ourselves, in those areas of weakness, where we think we can’t be vulnerable, we can allow God’s strength to be made perfect. We can become vulnerable and free.

Honesty with ourselves is a key piece to vulnerability. Being honest with ourselves is where it all starts. If we are not willing to acknowledge and process what is actually happening in our hearts and minds, we may move into fear, resentment, and bitterness, causing us to self-protect and lose connection with ourselves and others. Eventually this can lead to an emotional disconnection to ourselves where we deny what is happening and perform to the cultural expectations around us.

As believers, we may think it is inappropriate to have and/or express certain thoughts or emotions. The idea that we shouldn’t have these thoughts and emotions can cause us to deny what we are experiencing. This then prevents us from being honest with ourselves and vulnerable with God.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Vulnerability is a key part of the grieving process. You have a choice to either be vulnerable with God, receive comfort from Him, and build new healthy beliefs and responses, or isolate yourself and build new lies and unhealthy self-protections. Your willingness to be honest and vulnerable with God and yourself will help you heal. If you need help with this process, my Identity Restoration book will be a great resource for you.

These moments of vulnerability with God are the places where healing happens. When you can authentically present yourself to God, without any limitations or self-protections, He will comfort you and provide authentic healing. Once you can be honest with yourself, and with God, you may soon feel safe enough to be vulnerable with others.

You can do this. It may take time for you to be able to be vulnerable. That is OK. God will still be there when you are ready.

Blessings,

Ray

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 13:30:03 GMT

Have you ever replayed the scenarios and outcomes that could have been different in a loss you experienced?

In this blog we are going to explore the aspect of the grieving process commonly referred to as the bargaining stage. This is one of the more dynamic aspects of the process. We can go from fantasy negotiations, to replaying all the possible scenarios, to looking at all the things that should have or could have been done differently. All the while attempting to escape from the reality of what happened. I see this as a more imaginative way to use denial. I think this connects with our inability to understand or accept the loss we just experienced. It is interesting to me how we can go from the original shock and denial into a type of intellectual denial through the fog, and then into this more imaginative denial. This aspect of denial can cause an emotional roller coaster ride that is exhausting.

“If only,” is one of the common thoughts in this aspect of the process. If only I had …, if only they had …, if only I knew…, if only…, if only…, if only! It can go on forever. It seems there is a never-ending list of possible scenarios and options about how it could have been different. We so don’t want what happened to be true, that we fantasize about how it could be different.

You may or may not experience this aspect of the grieving process. This might not be your style of coping mechanism. Although, most of us will experience this in some way after a loss. The frequency and intensity at which each person experiences this can vary as well.

You may find yourself exploring all the different options in the fantasy of outcomes, or you may focus on one specific thing. I think the response you have in this area depends on your emotional and relational upbringing. For me personally, I tend to get angry with myself and God when things go wrong. I don’t waste my time on other people, I go right to the top. When I experience loss, I don’t dwell on what other people could have done, or should have done, so that it could have turned out different. I focus on what I should have already known so that I could have effected change in the situation. When I am done with that, I go right to blaming God for the issue. I think this style of response is linked to the pattern of abuse I endured growing up. I was treated as if I didn’t know anything, yet was expected to already know everything. I believe this helped influence how I respond to loss and to things going wrong. We will explore the need to process these types of emotions and issues with God in a future blog.

You may respond differently. You may lean more towards negotiating with God to change things, offering something in return for your request, such as your devotion to Him or some type of service. There are many variations of this theme. God can handle whatever direction you go with this. Each one of us needs to work out our grief in the way that fits our personality.

Instead of just denial, I have found that the bargaining stage can also be used to establish guilt. As I mentioned, this can be linked to your own upbringing and issues. One of the reasons we try to establish guilt could be because the circumstances seem so unfair and unjust. You may blame others, blame yourself, or find a way that there needs to be punishment for what happened. There may be feelings like—this isn’t right, so someone must be wrong! This is part of the emotional roller coaster ride I was referring to. You may shift from sadness, guilt, shame, resentment, regret, anger, disappointment, excitement, loneliness, joy, fear, blame, or countless other emotions, over and over again.

Yes, it is unfair! There is nothing fair about loss. Remember, loss is not part of the kingdom. It is not something we will ever understand. I don’t think it will ever feel just and fair.

Even though reviewing your loss and trying to restructure what happened are common experiences in the grieving process, they are not very productive. I recommend returning to reality as soon as you can. Getting stuck in this aspect of the grieving process can cause you to obsess and not move forward. It can damage relationships and cause additional and unnecessary pain.

Another common experience with this aspect of the process is a sense or a feeling like you personally have done something wrong. Along with the trauma of the loss, the grief, depression, and the loneliness, a feeling of guilt can also start to grip you. Not only can you get a false sense that you are responsible for the loss, you can also get a feeling as though you are processing it wrong, or somehow not quite handling your grieving right.

I remember after our home burned, I walked around with an internal sense that I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t even find words for it. It was a weird experience that I think connected to just how wrong the whole experience was, and my inability to accept the loss at first. Remember, none of this has to make sense. So much of what we go through in grieving is not a rational thought process. I believe the feeling I was experiencing helped initiate some of the imaginations of what I could have done differently, or what I should have already known.

This aspect of the grieving process is a type of distraction that if unchecked, could cause you to stay in a loop of possibilities that can steal the life that is available. This can contribute to an attitude of unforgiveness, resentment, and anger that overtakes the process of freedom, peace, and joy being restored in your life. If you find yourself continuing to loop through this aspect of the process without resolution, I recommend pursuing help from someone qualified.

Forgiveness for the things you come up with in this process is vital to your ability to move on. They could be legitimate mistakes made or imagined possibilities. Either way, if you don’t let go of these, your forward momentum can be stunted. If you need help with forgiveness, Chapter Seven of my Identity Restoration book will help you understand and be able to forgive.

There are many things that could have been done or should have been done differently. If it could be done over, there are things that would be done in a different way. The problem is, it can’t be done over, and replaying all the options will just continue to cause pain. The continual comparison of your current situation to different fantasy outcomes can keep you in a loop where you repeatedly experience the loss.

Each time you let go of one of these imagined possibilities, it is a step toward acceptance of your new normal. This will allow you to move forward. A very helpful tool in this process is to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as you engage and disengage from these outcomes. This will allow you to work through your thoughts and help you decide how you want to live your life now.

Blessings,

Ray

The Loneliness of Loss

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 17:47:43 GMT

Have you ever felt completely alone in the middle of your grief?

Loss can be a very lonely place. It doesn’t matter who you’re with, where you are, or how much you are being cared for. The feeling of loneliness can completely overtake you during the grieving process and affect you in ways that do not appear to fit the situation.

I remember shortly after we lost our home in the fire, when we were staying in a hotel, I began to feel isolated and alone. It didn’t make sense at all. Hundreds of people had reached out to us. I was regularly receiving phone calls, texts, and messages on social media. Our needs were covered, we were together as a family, and we were all safe. Right in the middle of all this, I felt completely alone.

It is important to realize that even if you experienced your loss with others, you can find yourself feeling completely alone. It can feel like no one else understands or knows what you are going through. As much as people may try to connect and relate to you, it can prove difficult. This is a sad and scary place to be.

It is not uncommon for people in the grieving process to experience this. If you have been feeling like this, it’s OK. You are not alone, and you are not the only one who has felt this way. I think it is helpful for you to know that this loneliness may not make rational sense, and it doesn’t have to last forever. The shifts and changes are one of the aspects of grieving. As we looked at in my blog, The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Grief , the emotions and experiences continue to change throughout the process.

It is true that no one else has ever had your exact set of life experiences and losses. There are so many relational dynamics and variations in each of our lives. There is no one person who can perfectly relate to us and our loss. That is why it is so crucial to allow God to meet us in that place of loneliness. He is the only one who fully knows and understands our loss.

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed. - Isaiah 53:3-5 ESV

The Lord says He is acquainted with and has borne our griefs. He is the one who can carry our sorrows and bring us peace. Let’s look at the definitions of “acquainted” and “borne” and then examine the Scripture in light of these definitions.

Acquainted – the Hebrew word used here is yada` (Strong’s H3045)

It means: to know – to be known – experiential knowledge – to make known – comprehend – be aware of – be acquainted with

Borne – the Hebrew word used here is nasa` (Strong’s H5375)

It means: to lift – bear – burn – accept – carry – forgive – help – raise – receive

An expression of the Scripture including the fullness of these definitions could be:

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and is acquainted with, aware of, has experiential knowledge of, and comprehends our grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He has received, accepted, forgiven, lifted, and borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.

The Lord is the only one who can truly relate to us and help us in our loneliness. If we allow ourselves to be present in the loneliness of loss and connect with the Lord in our thoughts and emotions, we can begin to move toward the peace and healing that is available in Him.

I don’t think anybody enjoys feeling lonely. It is understandable that you may want to distract yourself from the loneliness you are experiencing or deny it in some way. Unfortunately, this will not help. Denying your feelings, distracting from the loneliness, and pretending like everything is OK can inadvertently establish a foundational lie that you are alone. This lie can cause you to isolate yourself and secretly live a life of sadness and loneliness regardless of what is happening and who you are with. This foundational loneliness can slowly steal the remaining relationships and abundance of life you have after the loss you just experienced.

As miserable as it is to experience the loneliness and sorrow, it is important to let yourself be present in it and let your heart work out the loss. This will help you connect with the true value of your loss, process the actual loss, and learn how to live in your new reality. Yes, this sucks! There is nothing fun about facing the emotional anguish of no longer having what you once had. Remember, it will never make sense. You may never understand why this happened, and why it can’t just be the same as it was. Allowing yourself to face what happened, and what is happening with you now, will help you return to a sense of peace in your new normal. If you find yourself stuck in a loop of isolation, depression, or loneliness, I recommend pursuing help outside of yourself. It is OK to need help.

Thank you for going on this journey with me. We will continue to explore aspects of grief and what it looks like to stay present and process your thoughts and emotions, as I develop the Finding A New Normal resource.

Blessings,

Ray

The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Grief

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Mon, 14 Jan 2019 21:23:51 GMT

Have you ever felt out of control and overwhelmed while grieving a loss? In this blog, I will help you understand the roller coaster of emotions and what to do about it.

Most likely you are familiar with the commonly accepted stages of grief. They are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, and Acceptance. The term ‘stages’ can be misleading, because it can imply that grieving is a seven-stage sequential process. I would recommend thinking about them as ‘aspects’ of grief. Grieving isn’t a seven-step process. The different aspects of grief can happen in almost any random order. Also, within each aspect, there are many different emotional responses that can happen. I describe this as the “wheel of emotions.”

As we are experiencing life after a loss, it can feel out of control and overwhelming. We don’t know what will trigger an emotional experience and what won’t. At any moment something can initiate the spinning of the “wheel of emotions” and we just have to wait and see what it lands on. This process can be particularly frustrating when we are still in the fog and are not operating at our full capacity. The random triggering and spinning of the wheel can feel like an emotional roller coaster ride. You just have to hold on the best you can.

I have found, both in my own experience and in working with many others, that if we are willing to stay present and process what the wheel lands on, we can experience freedom. If we face it and allow ourselves to work through the emotion, we won’t have to reexperience the same level of painful impact from the same issue over and over again. This takes an intentionality that we don’t always have the energy or mindset for, because of the loss.

We experience the holistic enormity of the loss, as well as the individual, smaller aspects of the loss. What I mean by this is, with a major traumatic loss, we are not processing just one simple loss. Every relationship we have has various dynamics to it. Each one of these dynamics can initiate the spinning of the wheel and give us the opportunity to face the emotional response it lands on. The more intimate our relationship, the more dynamics.

For example, the death of someone we love will cause multiple layers of grief. There is the direct loss of that person, and the loss of the different aspects of the relationship. Some of the possible aspects of the loss could include:

Future plans you had with them

Hopes and dreams you had with them

Needs they fulfilled for you

Rituals and habits you had with them

Memories and experiences you had with them

Familiar things that remind you of them

Relationships you shared with them

These are just a few of the possible connections with someone that can cause pain. At any moment, a reminder of any one of these connections can trigger us into the loss again and initiate the spinning of the “wheel of emotions.” It is not like we choose these moments. It can be rather annoying as we are going about our day and randomly get triggered. The instability of the roller coaster ride of emotions can even cause us to question our sanity. It is OK if this is happening to you! You are not crazy; you’re grieving. It is a lot of work to stay present in the emotion and process the aspect of the loss that gets triggered. Believe me though, it is worth it.

I remember being frustrated that I was still going through this process. I think we were about two or three weeks out from the house fire when I began to be done with the grieving process. I wasn’t anywhere near done with grieving, but I was done with having to be in it. The emotional roller coaster ride that happens is not convenient to everyday life. I understand why people will distract themselves from the emotions or try to deny what is happening.

We not only have to experience the overwhelming nature of the loss, there are also the different reminders of the loss that impact us at varying degrees. At any point, these reminders can trigger us into any one of the emotions. We are familiar with the common emotions of sadness, anger, fear, and loneliness, but we are not limited to these. As you can see from the emotional wheel there are many to choose from. Each one of these can fit into the various aspects of grief. We land all over the place on this spinning wheel of different emotions throughout the process. It seems to be much worse in the beginning of our grief and can feel very unstable.

For me, experiencing this wheel was almost like a random punch in the gut when I wasn’t ready for it. The simplest things would trigger me. For example, one time when Kathryn and I were out shopping for kitchen supplies, she asked me if I wanted a new meat tenderizer. Boom, there it was! That simple question triggered me into the grief and loss all over again. The meat tenderizer we lost in the fire was my grandmother’s. It was this old one-piece, heavy chunk of metal that I was fond of. I immediately flashed to the memories of my grandmother and was sad, then angry, then sad, then frustrated. No, I didn’t want some cheap meat tenderizer. I didn’t even really want a meat tenderizer at all. I only had one because it was my grandmother’s. This was just another reminder of a cherished memorial stone that used to bring fond memories and emotions. Now it was gone. I didn’t even remember the meat tenderizer until Kathryn asked me if I wanted a new one. This was one of those times when I wasn’t ready to take an emotional roller coaster ride. I just wanted to get some supplies and get out of the store.

The goal is not to be unaffected by the memories of our loss. I don’t think we ever completely get over it. This meaningful part of our life is now gone. That will never change. I do think it is possible for the painful impact to become less impactful as we allow our hearts to process the pain and loss. Instead of holding on to the painful emotions as a connection to who we lost, or what we lost, we can begin to reconnect to the fulfilling emotions of why we cared in the first place. We don’t have to lose our future, because of loss in our past. You may not be in a place yet where you can accept that. This is OK. Don’t deny where you are in your grief. As much as you can, let yourself experience the emotions you are experiencing, and invite the presence of God to meet you in those emotions. His presence will comfort you. When you are ready, you can begin to work through the thoughts you have in those emotions. If you need help working through your thoughts and emotions, my book Identity Restoration will walk you through this process.

Comparison Won’t Resolve Your Pain

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 15:45:23 GMT

Have you ever thought “ I should be grateful about my loss because …,” or “I shouldn’t feel bad about my loss because…?” In this blog, I am going to share helpful ways you can keep from adding guilt and condemnation to your grief.

Looking back, I can still remember specific times in my life when I would try to tell myself that I shouldn’t be affected by my loss. One of those was when I was a child and my parents gave away our dog. I do not remember how old I was, but I was young. My bedroom was right next to the front room. One night when I was supposed to be sleeping, I heard my parents talking to their friends about our dog. Through the wall I could hear them giving our dog away. We had never talked about this and it was shocking to me. I never even got to say goodbye. I went to sleep that night somewhat confused. When I woke up the dog was gone, and I determined not to be affected by it. I never mentioned anything to my parents and I don’t remember ever discussing that dog again. I shut it down at such an intensity that I still don’t remember its name, and this memory is the only one I have of that dog. This was just one of the building blocks of my process of stuffing everything and living an empty life of emotional stoicism.

I understand what I just shared may not fit your situation. Each one of us has our own set of experiences and emotional responses. However, it seems that discounting loss for “whatever reason” is a common strategy. I really noticed this after we lost our home in a fire recently. Like I mentioned in my last blog, Matter Matters , people would try to comfort me by comparing our situation to some greater loss that could have happened. I also noticed people devaluing their own loss because they felt theirs was not as intense as ours. This is such a common practice, I don’t think people realize they are doing it.

The intensity of someone else’s loss does not negate the value of your own. Comparing to someone else’s loss with thoughts like, “I shouldn’t feel bad about my loss because theirs was so much worse,” is not helpful. It won’t resolve your pain and can delay your grieving process. Imagining how your situation could have been worse and thinking, “I should just be grateful because that didn’t happen,” can devalue your loss and distract you from addressing your grief.

Not allowing yourself to process the sadness, pain, and grief of your loss can lead to additional internal and external problems in your life. This can include depression, anxiety, sickness, hopelessness, unproductiveness, career dissatisfaction, relational disconnection, addiction, or divorce, just to name a few. I can personally see how it contributed to procrastination in my own life. This caused me to not address issues in my life because I wouldn’t let myself be affected by the emotions. This created a pattern of not being passionate about my relationships, desires, goals, or dreams, allowing them to just fade away. Of course, this also led me into a lifestyle of denying what was actually happening and pretending like everything was OK. I would guilt myself if I was affected, and then be ashamed because of it. Fun times!

Gratitude by comparison is never grateful. Trying to make ourselves grateful by comparing our situation to something else will not resolve the pain. There is not something wrong with you because you are sad about your loss. You are not ungrateful because you can’t just be joyful in the middle of your grief. Allowing yourself to address the real loss, without comparing, devaluing, or denying the value of it, will allow you to grieve through your loss, find peace, joy, and gratitude for what you do have. God gave us the grieving process so that we can reset to this new normal we were never intended to experience in the first place. Give yourself permission to face the loss, grieve, and acknowledge the true value of what you lost.

The intensity of your grieving will not last forever. It may seem impossible to ever be happy again, but it is possible. If you allow yourself to address the loss, you will eventually feel better. It is OK if you are not OK right now. If you are finding yourself stuck in your grief, or unable to acknowledge it, I recommend getting help outside of yourself. A simple tool I have recommended to hundreds of my clients is Good Grief by Granger Westburg. Another great option would be to find a grief counselor near you or sign up for an Identity Coaching session at www.faithbygrace.org . You are worth investing into, and freedom is available.

Blessings,

Ray

Matter Matters

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:28:16 GMT

Take a moment and think about an item you have that reminds you of a cherished memory or relationship. Go ahead, just let yourself enjoy the way that makes you feel.

All of us have these items we hold on to. Even the most stoic of us hold on to something. What I have found is that even though we may know we have some sentimental items, we don’t really consider how many of those we have. I personally didn’t realize how many I had, until I lost them all. I bet you would be amazed if you took inventory of your belongings and thought about the relational connection to each one of them. I was surprised at how nostalgic I am.

I have experienced something odd in religious circles. It’s the thought process that infers that material items are meaningless. I touch on this in my previous blog, “ How to comfort those who mourn .” I want to explore this a little more in this one. I’ve heard the insinuation that somehow it is not “Christian” to care about or value material things. I experienced this recently when I lost my home in a wildfire. People would try to encourage me and minimize my pain and grief by devaluing what I lost.

I heard things like:

“It was only material things you lost, at least you are okay.”

“I know you don’t care about material things.”

“The only thing that matters is that you are okay.”

“It is just stuff, you can replace all of it.”

People would try to encourage me with the idea that since they knew I was a mature Christian, they knew I didn’t care about the things I lost. This was odd to me, because I definitely did care about what was lost, and I didn’t see a conflict in that with my faith in Christ.

While I was still grieving the loss of my “stuff,” I was talking with someone I know whose father lost their home as well. I shared my condolences and they said, “He is okay, he is a Christian and doesn’t care about material things.” Wow! I was shocked. Could someone really think that not caring about the loss of your home is a Christian value? That was one of those pivotal moments I will probably never forget. I believe this kind of mindset contributes to the cognitive dissonance of denial and performance that I have witnessed in the lives of so many believers. I will explore this concept in a future blog.

We are not robots. We are emotional and relational beings. Having and valuing material things is not un-Christian! If the Lord created it, it has value. God even established a pattern of using material items as memorial stones of His goodness. In Exodus and Joshua the Lord demonstrates this concept.

…So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever. - Joshua 4:7

When I lost my home, I lost very valuable memorials that represented important relationships and events in my life. The value is not in the financial cost, it is in the relational and emotional connection. Created things carry value and meaning. We can look at all of God’s creation and see value. You can see value in the specific details the Lord gave in the construction of the mercy seat, the ark of the covenant, or the temple. If there was no value in these material things, the Lord most likely would not have been so detailed about them.

There is not something wrong with you, or your faith, because you value things you have. The fact that you care about your belongings does not make them false idols. It is not demonic worship to value a created thing. I think we need to have an understanding about the difference between financial cost and value. Yes, we can replace the financial cost of an item, but we can’t always replace the true value of an item. If you ever wonder if your value for something has crossed over into an unhealthy place, check to see if you value it above God and people. Most of us do not fall in that category. If you do, you can be healed of that too! Accepting the loss of the actual value, and allowing God to meet us in it, will help us to find peace.

The items you display or keepsakes you store have meaning to you. They are important because they serve you in that way. Will you be okay without them? Yes. Are there things that are of more value, such as the life and health of you and your family? Absolutely! However, loss is real and tangible, no matter how big or small. It doesn’t need to be compared to a greater loss. It is okay, and even necessary, to acknowledge the loss of important and meaningful items, so that you can move on in peace. Minimizing the value of your loss only keeps you in denial of the pain. This won’t move you forward in a healthy way.

If you are willing, take a few moments today in a quiet place. Let your mind go to something you have lost that you haven’t fully acknowledged or grieved. Allow yourself to admit, without condemnation, that you did care about what was lost, and that losing it hurt (made you sad, didn’t seem fair, caused you pain). Ask God to comfort you in your grief; allow His kindness to minister to you. When you’re ready, allow your heart to let go of any hurt. Let peace take the place of the pain.

The Lord is acquainted with, and has deep knowledge of your grief. Admitting your loss, and giving yourself permission to grieve, will help you release the sorrows that Jesus has already carried for you. Honoring the value of the things God has given you is healthy.

Blessings and peace in Jesus’ name,

Ray.

How to comfort those who mourn

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 15:07:58 GMT

A traumatic experience of loss is devastating. We all have either been through one or are close to someone who has. What can you say or do for someone who is grieving a loss? What would you want someone else to say or do for you?

My purpose for this blog is to give some insight, from what I have learned, into how you can respond to others who are mourning a loss. I will share some helpful ways you can comfort those who are mourning, and some common unhelpful ways that are best to stay away from.

My family recently went through the trauma of losing our home, all our belongings, and two cars in the Carr Fire. This threw us into a process of grieving and loss that we weren’t ready to jump into. I was personally overwhelmed with grief at a level I have never experienced before. I didn’t quite understand why I was so affected by this loss, but I was. It has now been a little over three months since our home burned in the fire, and I am still processing it. This process has taught me a lot about grieving, loss, and other people’s responses to loss.

My first major experience of loss was when my dad died. He was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma when I was in high school. He went through a pretty aggressive chemotherapy treatment, recovered from that, and lived another twelve years before it came back and took his life. This was a very emotional time for me. I had just come to faith shortly before we found out his cancer had returned. I still remember the moment driving my dad home from the doctor appointment when he told me the cancer was back. It was a very weird slow-motion experience that I didn’t have words for. I went through several stages of grief and loss building up to his death. If I remember it correctly, the process before his death was worse than his death. There was an odd sense of relief for him after his death because he was no longer being tortured with the cancer. This relief seemed to help me through the loss.

After my dad’s death is when I was first introduced to the awkwardness of having to interact with people who seemed to think they were comforting me, even though they weren’t. It is a surreal experience, that is not comforting at all, when people come up to you needing to be comforted because of your loss. You may have experienced something like this yourself, and possibly not even understood what was happening. I have found people can respond in an unhealthy way, to someone else’s loss, if they have unresolved issues with their own loss. This experience is how I started learning the “Dos” and “Don’ts” of how to respond to someone who is grieving.

Death and loss are very uncomfortable for people. I believe one reason for this is that we were never created to experience loss. We don’t understand it and I don’t think we ever will. Loss is awkward, uncomfortable, and confusing for everybody, not just you. I have never felt fully confident and comfortable engaging with someone who is grieving. It is still a struggle for me. I believe the Lord gave us the grieving process, so we can somehow reestablish a sense of normalcy in our lives. If you are willing to face your loss, and process your grief, you will be able to be comforted, and eventually comfort others.

Even though it is awkward and uncomfortable, there are ways you can still comfort those who are mourning. I would like to point out that the Scripture does not say, “Encourage those who weep or mourn.” It does not say, “Rejoice with those who weep or mourn.” It says to weep with those who weep; mourn with those who mourn. This is a significant key to being helpful when you desire to comfort someone who is mourning a loss.

Here are some things I have found through experience to be either unhelpful or helpful. As I have already pointed out, I am not an expert at responding to loss. I do my best to be present and real in the situation. Like I said, I have learned these things by experience, which also means I have done them myself. You and me both have probably done all of these “Don’ts” at some point, please don’t beat yourself up if you have. This is my personal Do and Don’t list. I use it as a guideline when trying to comfort someone. Hopefully it is helpful for you.

Don’ts

Don’t Say – “ Let me know if you need anything. ”

This is one of the top unhelpful responses in a loss situation. Someone who just experienced loss is usually in a trauma fog and doesn’t know exactly what they need, and most likely won’t ask for help if they do know. This also puts the person recovering from a loss in the burdensome position of having to be responsible to think about what they need and figure out what to tell you.

Don’t Say – “ How are you doing? ”

This question is a social norm that we all use. It is almost always uncomfortable in a time of loss. The grieving person is most likely not okay, not doing well, and not sure what to say to this question. I realize this usually comes from a place of compassion. However, it can create additional stress as the person tries to figure out a proper response. I do not understand the psychology behind it, I just know it is not helpful. You may have to really think about not doing this one because we are all so used to saying this.

Don’t Say – “ It was only material stuff, at least you are OK, you can replace your stuff. ”

Often people attempt to comfort others by devaluing the items that were lost. There are many forms of this statement, but they are all equally unhelpful. I don’t think people really understand what they are doing when they do this. Material items are not meaningless to people. Be mindful that people just lost personal items that they cherish for many healthy reasons, and some are irreplaceable. On top of the loss, this can cause someone to feel like there is something wrong with them because they care about the things they lost. It is not a Christian value to not care about material things. I hope to explore this more in a future blog.

Don’t Say – Any Religious Platitudes!

There was nothing more revealing to me personally, that someone wasn’t a safe person to process with, than when they would repeat some religious cliche or try to correct my doctrine. Loss and grief can trigger wounds in people’s hearts where they will say things that are inappropriate and possibly don’t even line up with their overall belief of God. God can handle this. You do not need to defend God or try to correct some doctrinal issue in the middle of someone’s trauma. Giving someone the space to process through their doubts and faith issues will help them establish an even stronger faith on the other side of their grief.

Don’t say – “ Look at the bright side. ”

This is basically a religious platitude as well, but there is more to this one. It is not wrong, or a sin, for someone to be grieving and mourning. There is a season for mourning (see Ecclesiastes 3:4) and it is okay that someone takes the time to mourn their loss. I have found that people will often try to distract someone from their morning and loss by pointing out good things or how it will be better. God does say that He will turn our mourning into joy and give us gladness for sorrow. This is part of the restoration process with the Lord. It is not our job to try to do that for people. Trying to hurry the restoration process and bring someone to some place of happiness can cause the hurting person to feel like they need to deny what is happening and perform like everything is okay.

Don’t – Make it about you

It seems that, in an attempt to connect and relate with the person suffering, people will often share their own, or someone else’s, experiences of loss. As well-intentioned as this may be, it is not the right time to do it. This is especially unhelpful if you compare a loss to their loss. Comparison is never a good idea and it doesn’t bring comfort. I have heard some of the most absurd comparisons, and it only seems to bring more sadness. This type of response can cause isolation and a sense that others do not understand or care what the grieving person is going through.

Of course, these are not all the “Don’ts.” These are some of the top unhelpful responses I have observed.

Now for the helpful things to do.

Dos

Do Something!

Decide in your heart what you want to do and do it. If you know what the person likes, and what brings comfort to them, do it. Instead of asking them to let you know if they need anything - pray, ask God, and act. Asking specific questions of what they need with a sensitivity to their personal boundaries is very helpful. Do this for them, not yourself. Supplying dinner for them may be great. Bringing dinner and imposing yourself into their space may not be.

Do Give

Depending on the loss, there are different financial needs. There were two things that people said that brought me great comfort. The first one that was amazingly helpful, easy, comforting, and made me feel loved was, “What is the easiest way to get money to you?” This may seem shallow, but it is not easy for someone to tell you that what they really need is financial help. Not having to worry about financial things in the middle of a crisis is a huge comfort and help. Find out if they have a GoFundMe account. If they do have one, give if you can. If they don’t, see if you can get one started for them. Send them gift cards to their favorite places. There are other ways to give also, such as Venmo, Paypal, and Square Cash, just to name a few. Instead of giving items they may not need, give them the ability to buy what they need. You can help cover the expense of temporary lodging if needed. I found all of these to be a huge help. Be creative!

Do Be Real

Everybody wants to be able to say the one thing that will help to make things better. The reality is, there isn’t anything you can say to make it better. The second most helpful thing people said to me was something like this: “I have no words, I love you, and I am sorry for your loss.” The realness of connecting with the loss, and morning with those who mourn is wonderful. There was a real safety and comfort in the interaction with people that understood there was nothing they could do to make it better, and they didn’t try to come up with something to say that would. Experience the sadness for your friend or loved one and share with them from that place. Stay present in the situation and allow God to work through you in the moment. Ask God how to love them and follow His lead.

Do Listen

Take the time to listen. Just listen and let them rant if needed. Again, it is not a time for correction, teaching, or rebuking. Just be there in a way that is safe for them to express themselves. Yes, most likely there will be some irrational expressions. Be okay with things not being reasonable or rational. While you are listening, pay attention to their needs and see where you can help.

Do Pray

It makes a difference. Pray boldly and faithfully for them in whatever way God is inspiring you. As you pray, one of the great questions you can ask God is, “How can I love and comfort them in their grief?” Trusting the Lord to guide you will be very beneficial.

Do Send your love

Reach out in whatever way fits the intimacy of your relationship. Make a call, or send a text, an email, a social media message, or a personal card. Loss is a very lonely place. If all you have to give are a few words, do it! You would be surprised how helpful it is for someone to receive a simple reminder that people are thinking about them. I still remember how much this blessed me. Even though you might not get a response back, know that it was helpful.

Do Remember

Time passes, and people will rebuild their lives. After the initial shock of the loss people tend to respond and engage. Remember that during the recovery process, there are still emotional, relational, and financial needs. Continue to pray and act as the Lord guides you. There is no set time for a grieving process. Everyone processes differently. Have grace, allowing time for your friends and loved ones to recover at their own pace. Continue to ask God how you can love them, and act in faith.

When you get down to the reality of it, you are not responsible to make it better for the person experiencing loss. God is the one who will restore. You can comfort someone in their grief, but you do not need to take responsibility for their emotions. This will not be helpful for them or for your own well-being. Hopefully these “Dos” and “Don’ts” will be helpful when you want to comfort someone who is mourning.

I will be exploring more aspects of grief, recovery, and restoration in future blogs as I develop Finding A New Normal. This resource will help people understand the process of grief and be able to be real and authentic while establishing a new normal. If you would like to stay informed about this resource, click here .

Blessings,

Ray

Finding a New Normal

Ray@theleighthouse.org (Ray Leight) — Sat, 15 Sep 2018 18:37:03 GMT

Getting through the fog and accepting the new reality.

Waking up to clear skies in the morning while experiencing dolphins, manatees, turtles, and all kinds of different birds has been refreshing and relaxing. Clouds in the sky and thunderstorms in the afternoon! What an amazing show. Over the five years in California, I’ve almost forgotten what it is like to have East Coast thunderstorms. I never get tired of watching them. The humidity and the bugs, however, I have not forgotten or missed while I was gone.

Recovering in Florida has been amazing. I realize how spoiled we are that we have good friends that we can stay with in such a beautiful place. We are still thinking about and praying for everyone that has been experiencing the new fires, or having to live in the damaged areas and breath the toxic air. Getting away from all that has been tremendously helpful. I have still been working on Volume Two of my Bible study, though I have shifted my focus onto a possible resource about Finding a New Normal after loss.

Every day has new challenges and new opportunities for freedom. About fifteen days ago the trauma fog/brain fog lifted and I was able to think clearly. I started having times when I was able to just be happy again, without needing a reason to be happy. I could just experience the joy of being alive. It doesn't always last, but it is always amazing when it hits. It is becoming more and more normal to just experience the joy that is a regular part of life.

The brain fog I was experiencing was really interesting. It wasn’t like there were all these thoughts distracting me and taking up the bandwidth of my brain. It was the lack of thoughts, and almost a sense of not being able to think, that took up the space and made it difficult to have normal, sequential, rational, and intricate thought processes. This has lifted and now I can think again. Praise God!

I was thinking about the brain fog that was happening and relating it to the loss we experienced. It reminded me of a revelation the Lord had given me about loss a long time ago: we were not created to ever experience loss. I don’t think there is anything in us to understand loss. That is why loss will never make sense to us. The grieving process allows us to reestablish some level of acceptance of the new normal we were never intended to experience.

I think the fog is a symptom of the overwhelming process of reestablishing connection to a new reality. It is almost like our whole being is on overload as it is trying to find some sense of normalcy again. It seems like it is an emotional and intellectual overload where your brain and heart are trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.

I believe that the peace that God gives us, that is beyond our understanding is one of the things that help us in this new reality of life. I know there will not be an understanding of the loss. I also know I can have peace without having to understand it. This peace brings joy.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. – John 14:27

It is OK that you don’t understand any of the loss you have experienced. Allowing yourself to not understand it will help you to move forward and begin the process of reestablishing connection to the new normal. It is not about forgetting, or denying. It is about accepting the new reality and allowing yourself to be OK, even in this unfamiliar place where nothing is OK.

There is not something wrong with you, or you are not spiritual enough, because you are experiencing grief because of loss. This is something I will explore another time. For now, wherever you are in whatever grieving process you may be in, just know, you are not alone. Everyone experiences grief from loss. Some allow themselves to process it, and some deny it, believing lies and establishing self-protections.

It is a courageous choice to face your pain, face your loss, and be present in your emotions. It is also OK if you are not ready to do that yet. God will still be right there comforting you when you are.

Are Your Feelings Lying To You?

Hello@Maisey.Pro (Maisey Pro) — Mon, 30 Apr 2018 19:36:03 GMT

Learning how to steward our emotions and passions is one of the most efficient ways to be more successful in everything we do.

There are so many creative ways that my coaching clients have tried to manage their emotional responses to life. Unfortunately, many of these are not helpful, and are working against their emotional health.

Some of the ways people work against their own emotional health is by trying to deny, control, or numb their feelings. So often people are in a battle of denying how they feel about something and performing to the cultural expectations around them. This usually results in a perpetual loop of performing more, and working harder, in order to get rid of the unwanted feelings. Denial never works, because you can’t get freedom from something you won’t admit you have. I have also observed my clients trying to control their emotions by telling themselves they shouldn’t feel that way, or that something is wrong with them because they do. Some even resort to guilt or punishment for themselves or others when those feelings occur. I have never found the use of guilt and punishment to result in emotional or relational health. The attempt to numb emotions tends to be one of the more physically destructive patterns. This will involve some form of unhealthy stimulus or behavior. The problem with this is that when the numbing agent wears off the emotional issues are still there, and now there are additional emotional, relational, or physical issues that need to be resolved.

I believe one of the reasons why so many people are unsuccessfully managing their emotional health in these ways is due to a misunderstanding about emotions in the first place. Our feelings are just like any other tool we use to be successful in life. If we can know what our emotions were intended to do for us, and understand what they are actually doing for us, we can steward them for our benefit. They would be like any other instrument we use, and we would no longer need to try to deny, control, or numb them. Being able to manage your emotions, in a healthy way, will transform your life.

We have all heard the warnings:

“You can’t live by your feelings.”

“You need to control your emotions.”

“Don’t show your emotions.”

“Be careful!”

“Your heart is deceitful.”

“Your emotions are not trustworthy.”

“Your heart is wicked.”

“Your heart is deceived.”

“You can’t trust your heart.”

The distrust and disregard for emotions is pervasive. You may have heard warnings similar to these, or even expressed them yourself. This is the common foundational understanding I find with most of my coaching clients, regardless of their religious upbringing.

What I would like to do now is challenge your thinking about your feelings.

What if your feelings are not lying to you?

What if you could actually trust your feelings?

Think about that for a minute. Just imagine if you could use the information you were getting from your emotions efficiently and effectively to help you be successful. Would that be helpful to you?

Now, if you think this is getting a little too touchy/feely, please just hold on a little bit further. I am getting to a point, and it will all make sense.

I want to challenge the common teaching about emotions and let you know that your feelings are never lying to you. Your feelings are always telling you exactly what you are feeling.

It’s the thoughts you are having about those feelings that you can’t always trust.

The Lord doesn’t tell us to capture every feeling and make it obedient to Christ. He tells us to capture every thought.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Our emotions are just like the instrument panel in a vehicle. Those instruments are telling us exactly what is going on underneath our own hood. They are not telling us what is going on underneath someone else’s hood, or what is going on around us. When we are experiencing the emotions of fear, shame, or guilt, it is a direct result of our thoughts and beliefs. If we can be honest with ourselves about what we are feeling, we can find out what we are thinking that is producing those feelings.

When we use our emotions to tell us things they were never designed to tell us, or we confuse our thoughts for emotions, and emotions for thoughts, it will inevitably go wrong in some way. I believe these misunderstandings are the key reasons why people think they cannot trust their emotions.

One of the simple tools I have developed to help equip people to steward their emotions is the 3 Steps to Life .

Here is an overview of these steps:

STEP ONE - INTENTIONALLY STAY PRESENT

Step One is to intentionally stay present, mentally and emotionally. What I mean by this is to stay connected and present with yourself and your situation.

STEP TWO - CHOOSE REALITY

Step Two is to choose reality. What I mean by this is to let yourself actually think your thoughts and feel your feelings.

STEP THREE – CONNECT WITH GOD

Step Three is to connect with God. What I mean by this is to align yourself with the reality that God is already with you.

When you are able to experience the presence of God right in your thoughts and feelings, you can discover what is actually happening, as well as what you believe is happening. This will help you have a better understanding of your situation, be free to think and feel, and be able to make decisions from a healthy place so you can resolve the issue. From there, you can repent, forgive, and be free to choose truth and experience the kingdom in your situation. This whole process is explained in detail in my book, Identity Restoration . In it you will find practical and sustainable tools to help you recover from any issues of fear, shame, or blame in your life, and be restored into freedom, peace, and joy, in real time and real situations.

It is possible to freely experience your emotions and be able to steward your thoughts and feelings. This freedom will bring peace and joy into your relationships, career, and experiences of life. Visit faithbygrace.org to learn more about how to be equipped for a lifestyle of freedom.

Freedom, peace, and joy are our guaranteed inheritance in Christ. We can trust our emotions to help us get the information that is stealing our freedom, peace, and joy. If we respect and use our emotions for what they were designed for, we can experience emotional health and be successful in life.

Freedom is available, and it is always better.

Ray Leight

Identity Coach